Hinder - Better Than Me

I really, really, REALLY hate posting cliche music like this, but I have to. This song, although it's EXTREMELY popular, makes me sick every time I hear it. It's that feeling of internal whirling chaos, your insides crying out in desperation for forgiveness, while you're standing there, in front of the person you love more than anyone in the world, motionless and speechless, trying NOT to make any more of an ass as you already have by crying and grovelling in the dirt, as they tell you what they really think of you.

In my life, this has happened to me twice.

*sigh* It sucks when you meet who you really are.

Hinder - Better Than Me

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won’t miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there’s one memory I don’t want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won’t miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

The bed I’m lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would’ve said it’s over
And I can’t pretend that I won’t think about you when I’m older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can’t be the end
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me)

Some songs are better as words. And some musicians were meant to be garbagemen.

Cary Brothers - Ride

Don't ask me why I keep posting music lyrics on here. But, it's my blog, and I can do what I want. I like posting songs and lyrics that I think are totally awesome. I wish I could figure out how to post actual songs without being sued. But anyway, here's more.

This song is one of the most beautifully executed songs I've ever heard. The baleful mourning, yet possibility of hope comes through so well, even though the song is so very short. This is one of those songs that puts that weird feeling in my heart, like I could wander around for hours inside of it and always feel at home. There's no past to it, no blame. It's only explaining that I am who I am and will always be that way, just to accept me, allow me to love, and help me to move on. The ambiguity of this song is so engrossing, how it can apply to just about any aspect of anyone's life. That's something that makes the artistry of music so appealing to me - if you can touch masses of people, even by saying so little, you have real talent. I envy that.

Cary Brothers - Ride

You are everything I wanted
The scars of all I’ll ever know

If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride…

You saw all my pieces broken
This darkness that I could never show

If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride…

Thank you for calling tech support - this is Hermione.

I've tried to hold out. Alas, today, I inconspicuously slipped back into the familiarity and comfort of Mugglenet. (I'm sorry, HJ - I held out for as long as I could!)

Any of you who know me, should already know by now, that I am a Harry Potter fanatic. This feels exactly like AA - "I'm Jennifer, and I'm addicted to Harry Potter." I dress up and go to midnight book parties and movie releases. I would sell Heather out and let you know that she does it with me, but I'm not sure if she wants me mentioning that. So, I won't.

In fact, the last book party we went to (at B&N, last year) was for the Half-Blood Prince, and I went dressed as Bellatrix LeStrange (look her up), and I won the costume competition. How's that for fanatical? *wink* Of course, I'm stressed as crap, because I exhausted the best costume I had for the last book party, won a free copy of the book, so now I don't know who to go as this year. &=( I really wanted to get Quidditch robes, but I don't see myself coming into that kind of money by July. Umm...so, any idears, you guys are more than welcome to pitch them. Just know, if I don't heed it, don't be offended. I DO have a certain "elitist" attitude and dignification I maintain for HP. What I'm saying is, I'm not going to go with a sheet thrown over my head, like Charlie Brown (again, Heather, I'm sorry - lmao).

I also like computers...a lot. I am one of the very few who can actually say I've always had a computer in my home, even if it started out as a Tandy TRS-80. A computer, nonetheless.

All this taken into consideration, I found this on Mugglenet, and felt it appropriate to share, in light of my..."personality." I do hope you can appreciate it:

Top 11 Reasons Harry Would Make a Poor IT Pro

Taken from NetworkComputing

11) Pet owl would attack computer mice and leave deposits on keyboards

10) Wand might misfire at annual meeting, killing shareholders

9) Invisibility cloak would hide him from users, management

8) He'd keep slapping servers and yelling, "Reparium Serviosa!"

7) He'd replace data-center door with portrait of password-hungry fat lady

6) Flame under cauldron would set off fire-suppression system

5) He'd behave too much like a manager, waving his wand and expecting results

4) He'd write all his command-line interfaces in Latin

3) He'd keep trying to link PCs via Floo Network

2) Server-room Quidditch. 'Nuff said

1) Would you leave a whiny teenager with identity issues alone in your data center?

John Mayer - Love Song For No One

John Mayer - Love Song For No One

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

Blue October - Into the Ocean

Blue October - Into the Ocean

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life that's sadly stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

You're floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jets, I'm sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
So thought no end my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all

[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(I thought of just your face)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Barenaked Ladies - Pinch Me

Barenaked Ladies - Pinch Me

It's the perfect time of year
Somewhere far away from here
I feel fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess
There's a restaurant down the street
Where hungry people like to eat
I could walk but I'll just drive
It's colder than it looks outside

It's like a dream you try to remember
But it's gone
Then you try to scream
But it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world
Beyond your front door
Take your time, is the way I rhyme gonna make you smile
When you realize that a guy my size might take a while
Just to try to figure out what all this is for

It's the perfect time of day
To throw all your cares away
Put the sprinkler on the lawn
And run through with my gym shorts on
Take a drink right from the hose
And change into some drier clothes
Climb the stairs up to my room
Sleep away the afternoon

Like a dream you try to remember
But it's gone
Then you try to scream
But it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world
Beyond your front door
Take your time is the way I rhyme gonna make you smile
When you realize that a guy my size might take a while
Just to try to figure out what all this is for

Pinch me, pinch me, cause I'm still asleep
Please God tell me that I'm still asleep

On an evening such as this
It's hard to tell if I exist
If I pack the car and leave this town
You'll notice that I'm not around
I could hide out under there
I just made you say "underwear"
I could leave but I'll just stay
All my stuff's here anyway

Like a dream you try to remember
But it's gone
Then you try to scream
But it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world
Beyond your front door
Take your time is the way I rhyme gonna make you smile
When you realize that a guy my size might take a while
Just to try to figure out what all this is for

Pinch me
Try to figure out what all this is for
Pinch me
Try to see the world beyond your front door
Pinch me
Try to figure out what all this is for

reunite-y on ice?

Some recent news that troubles me, during my search for reforming bands, is that James Iha will not be joining up with the reforming Smashing Pumpkins. So, first they lost Jimmy, got him back, then D'arcy, who did not come back (replaced by Melissa Auf der Maur from Hole), and now James. What's the point of reforming a band, if you're not gonna be the same band? *sigh* Just venting. Of course, I could say the same thing about Fuel coming back as Fuel minus Brett Scallions (who is now with some band called The X's). Anyway, Pumpkins are supposedly releasing Zeitgeist 7.10.07. Fuel's new album Angels & Devils comes out 8.7.07. The only thing I've heard about Rage is that they briefly reunited at Coachella & are touring with Wu-Tang and Cypress Hill for the Rock the Bells tour (which must be awesome - too bad we're not worthy) - no more info than that.

If I can manage to see Pumpkins and Rage before they try to disassemble again, I will have seen everyone I wanted to see, and I can die a happy rocker. In fact, keeling over at a concert would be simultaneously cool and gross. Of course, there are other great people and bands I would like to see perform, but when you're going places like Opwijk & Doornroosje, umm...well, I don't like to be pushy, but I don't know what that even is. Is it a place? A concert hall? A city? A Russian labor camp? One of those communes where you can only come out if you wear velcro high-top Keds, drink crank-laced Mr Pibb, and marry some gross Ron Jeremy lookalike polygamist with 57 wives? I mean, I'm just SAYING...

That's one of my fears, is that me and Heather will take vacation one year, and end up in a place like Pike's Peak (she went - not me; apparently, they like to build giant bears attacking their bldgs there) and accidentally trip over a broom with someone, then be, like, married, and we can't leave.

Ok. Just wasting time before I have to go downstairs for the rest of the day. Blah. I'm just not feeling it this week. Ohhh, maybe this knee surgery time off will be good, although I can only see myself going stark-raving mad and clawing at the walls like "The Yellow Wallpaper."

Haven't read it? You should.

blag eater

Heeeey.....yeeeaaahhh...I don't know why my blag is eating the pictures I put on here. They look fine on my cmpootrz. Hmmm....oh well - I'll figger it out later probably than sooner. We've got a slightly busy day at work today, and Chris is off for Terri's wedding in Vegas, so that means everything will probably fall apart. 'Course, it is 8:10a, and the building hasn't caught fire yet, so that's amazing. If anything catches fire, it's usually because my boss isn't around....aaaand, it's usually my fault. I wish I was lying for comedic's sake, but my total awesomeness rears it's ugly head at work as well.

I'm just going to sit in this chair for as long as possible and listen to my ipod. I just dload'd a bunch of garbage on it this morning, around 1a, because I couldn't seem to make myself go to sleep. Grrrr - only a couple more months of bad finances, hopefully, and this nightmare will be over. The end of July can't get here quickly enough.

pix

I never post any pics on here, so I thought I'd share a few:

Me, a few days ago, during my nightly wind-down, musing about things such as the fate of humanity and what will happen when I actually turn 30 this year. We'll see, right?

I love dandelions - I wish I would have taken this picture. Alas, I stole it off yahoo.

These are my aunt's beautiful girls, Shelby, 13, and Erica, 16.

This is Shelby and her crawfish she so meticulously disassembled and devoured, from the Crawfish Boil this year. I stood in the corner and screamed.

This is Fuel's new lead singer, Toryn Green. He came post-Brett Scallions, and we got to see them perform at the Crawfish Boil this year. I was impressed. *grins*

I used to have a chinchilla years ago. His name was Luxo, and I loved him very much. It was amazing how much my heart hurt when he passed away, but I lost a lot of people and things close to me that year. Time hasn't always been kind to me. Anyway, I found this pic on ICHC, and it reminded me of him.

I have the world's largest collection of pictures that I refuse to share with the rest of the world, not because I don't want to, but because I never have time to scan them. Also, someone broke my scanner, so I'm thinking taking pictures of pictures won't be the way to go. I also have a broken drive that needs to be sent off to have those pictures rescued, but I never have the money saved up. All in good time.

Anyway, I'm obsessed with taking pictures, so I'm hoping to eventually come into my own in the next year or so, since mine was stolen.

This one is for Heather: HJ, I don't care what Karen says, this hair is anything but homeless.

This is my girl Jezzy popping a squat on her papa.

This was a picture someone took of me a few years ago, and it was altered by someone else, recently.

This is one of my very favorite pictures, that I took months ago. Jezzy just came up and rested her head on Booboo. You can just read the worries of the world in her face.

*sigh*

Ok. I'm going to put my groceries up. Heather was kind enough to come get me and drag me to the store with her, God love her. I'll try to post more later, but I'm not, er, feeling well, thank goodness. This just means I won't be on my cycle for my surgery, like I need any more embarrassment aside from having surgery at the hospital where I work. I already know I'm probably going to look like Michaelangelo's Sistine Chapel when I wake up, but I've come to terms with that. &=) That's what happens when you mix work and friends...and propofol, versed, sterile markers & surgery.

Love and hugs to all! &=)

Hey yo, it's just another bombtrack

Ok, this is going to be relatively quick, because it's late, and I NEED my bed.



I got my heart monitor thing put on today - it's only on for 24 hours, so that's good, because the latex in these stickers is already eating my skin off underneath. It hurts SOOOO BAD! &=( But oh well.

Anyway, so ONCE AGAIN, I had to expose my front to a total stranger, for her to put the leads on me, she got me all hooked up, and gave me this GIANT I-POD to clip on my pants. It looks like an I-Pod for beginners. Or kindergarteners. "My First Giant I-Pod" - I can see the box already. It's more like a gigantic digital clock. For my hip. And, it's a whole hour behind. So, it's not helpful at all.

Ah, but I digress from my point of this post.

All around St. Vincent's, they're doing construction. It just so happens that part of the construction is going on right next to the parking deck I parked in. And, I heard all the hammering and whatnot when I first got there. The thing I parked in front of was this giant, metronomic, industrial post-hole digger or something. I mean, this thing is HUGE. And loud. I don't know what it is. But it has this giant steel post that slams into something in the ground, and makes this obscenely loud clanging sound for seemingly no reason, unless they're trying to break ground into hell. From what I hear, though, it's not really that hard to get in.

So, I step off the elevator, and I'm playing TextTwist (tm) on my phone, heading back to the car, already a little frazzled-feeling from the day. I hadn't noticed anything about the construction, because I'm just sort of an idiot, and I don't really pay attention to my surroundings. Never do, never will. So, then someone presses the start button on the post-holer, and that thing SLAMS into the ground, with this God-awful, high-pitched clang. And, I never saw it coming.

People...let me just tell you, all war jokes aside, I threw myself on the ground like we had just been hit by a bomb. I don't remember the last time I flew through the air, especially that long and that far. This horrid scream came out of my throat - a kind of "WAAAAHH!!!," and I dove onto the ground, face-first, into the pavement, with my arms over my head. I was belly-down on the ground of the St. Vincent's parking deck, head down, braced for impact. As the sound continued and the numbers began to add up, I had kind of gathered that I wasn't dead, so I put my head up to assess the situation. As I turned my head, there was a lady standing across the parking lot from me, with an absolutely horrified expression on her face. She said, "You know, that scared me too, but I don't think nearly as bad as it scared you." Bless her heart, she came over to help me up, and I had to dig my phone out from under 3 cars away.

If I didn't have an "episode" when that happened, there's absolutely nothing wrong with my heart (yeah, there's not anyway - just thought I'd throw that in.)

I was literally shaking when I got in the car and started to drive away. Gah, I'm STILL freaked out, just thinking about it! I know people think I'm a total drama queen, but oh well. That scared the sh** out of me. I hate being jumpy, but I am, so psh. At least I'm prepared for an explosion...but not really.

And now I have this stupid thing on till 2 tomorrow, so I'll let you know if I manage to NOT peel my skin off before then.

fall-out girl

Ok, let's see...first off, I'm ok.

Here's the story:
I was buzzing around in the OR, doing everything I normally do. I had just done a block in room 17, pulled the c-arm out, put it in Gould's case in 2, and in the middle of all of this, I was also running Gould's other case in 15. It's nothing new - I do it ALL the time. But apparently, physical overexertion wasn't in the cards for me yesterday. I went BACK into 2 to help them turn a patient while still under the sterile drapings, and let me tell you, that's REALLY a lot harder than it looks. You have to keep everything sterile, don't touch certain things, make sure you're not choking or chafing the patient, make sure their body is in a comfy position, put the straps back on, blah, blah, blah... Also, it was a big guy. And, I'm NOT a big guy. So, I finally come down off my adrenaline high from doing all that stuff, and I just got really hot, sweaty and dizzy, and I just checked out.

Apparently, I knew that it was happening, because they said I stumbled backwards, and everyone thought I tripped at first, which is totally not new, since I fall off a stool down there at least once a week. But, I googled over my feet, then fell back and hit my head on the door. The next thing I remember was opening my eyes, and our anesthesia guy, Darryl was standing over me. I was like, "Hey! Wait, what are you doing up there? In my face? Over here? Why am I over here? Wait...WHERE am I? Why am I on the ground? WHAT DID YOU PEOPLE DO TO ME???" And of course, I burst into tears when I realized what had happened. I mean, hey, I can make an ass of myself for the benefit of anyone who is standing around to take note - but geez, that's just embarrassing! *blushes*

I was also like simultaneously hot and cold when I woke up. Of course, I still had my mask and lead apron on. I do everything with my apron on, though. I mean, it's like 45 lbs of dead weight or something. Anyway, it's not that much - I've definitely worn worse. I started crying and hyperventilating when I woke up, cause I was totally freaked out, so of course my heart rate went through the roof. Anyway, I had a little bit of a hazy "woah, I don't feel so great" feeling. But I thought it was just some dizzy spell, and it would pass.

Well, it did.

But I had to take a nap on the floor for a minute.

When they finally PEELED my apron off of me, my clothes were absolutely drenched in sweat. And I smelled like livestock. Like maybe a donkey or chicken coop or something. But I remember standing there, feeling the sweat run down my stomach under my apron - not a favorite feeling of mine.

So they put me on a stretcher and wheeled me out in front of God and everyone (reminiscent of the time I fell and hurt my back at Children's and had to be wheeled out the front freaking door in the middle of the leather coat sale, then they turned the siren on the ambulance to "get through traffic" - need I say more?). They put me in recovery to monitor me, and my friend Ryan came out to sit with me. Or else was "assigned" to me. Anyway, he said he heard Mark, our OR tech, burst through the door and say, "Jennifer just hit the floor!," so he said he came in and saw Mark "dancing" with me. He said, "I walked in and saw Mark with his arms around you, like he was trying to restrain you. I figured, hey, you'd had enough and you lost it and were trying to kill the people in the room. No big deal. Code orange. Whatever." I was trying to breathe oxygen through a snotty nose and laugh at the same time.

Dr. Gould even stayed out there with me for a little bit. He said it was probably just my malaria kicking up again. I told him it's taken him 2 years to take me down, but he finally did it. &=) I felt perfectly fine after I got everything off and got cooled down. Ryan was like, "Great. Now every time someone wants something, they're going to pull a 'Jennifer.' 'Hey, I don't want to be in that room!'" *swoon*

Of course, everyone wanted to know if it was my bat bite. I was like, "No, I'm FINE! I swear!" But I had to go down to that stupid Workplace anyway and get checked out. She said she heard a little bit of a heart murmur, but when I got to Dr. Han's, he said he didn't hear anything. They're putting me on a holter monitor, just to be on the safe side, to make sure I didn't have any sudden drops in bp or something. They x-rayed my head, and it's just as solid and hard as ever. He said the only other things it could have been was sudden drop in blood sugar (but I'd had breakfast), dehydration or the fact that I just gave blood last week. Which, like, I'm not good at making lots of blood anyway...unless I'm bleeding. Then I make lots of it. Or it all just wants to get out through a particular opening/injury.

Ok, so what does this mean? Yes, I'm still vegetarian. Yes, I'm still unattractively pasty. Yes, I'm still going to have knee surgery. I'M FINE. I was fine yesterday, when I passed out (and laying on the ground). I kept begging them to let me go back to work, and I was like apologizing profusely to everyone. Chris has already asked me a couple of times if I was ok. I'm fine. I went downstairs to retrieve my books and stuff out of my apron, and everyone jumped me when I got off the elevator. I'm fine.

I mean, hey, don't get me wrong. I'm glad everyone is so concerned. I just got super burny-hot. But I really was ok and just wanted to go back to work.

Oh, crap, that was the OTHER thing. "Omg, are you pregnant?"

Um, not unless it's the second coming, cause I haven't seen any action in *ahem* QUITE SOME TIME. I loved being able to reveal so much about my personal life in the span of like 3 minutes. I make it a point to NOT mix business and "pleasure," or whatever you'd deem your outside life. Just...bad stuff happens if you do. *shivers* Let's not go there. Anyway, my two lives are just separate. Work is work and will always be work. Outside life is hanging out with the cats, Heather, family & sleeping. The end.

But NOT the end! Haha!

Aside from that, what else? Let's see...still looking for the perfect apt here in Southside, closer to work. Getting ready for surgery in two weeks. I'm going to go ahead and ask off for 4 weeks, but I'm pretty sure I'll be back before that. Unless I develop something weird to complicate things, which is always possible, if not expected, for me.

Ohhh, and Heather's Kitty Boy died last night. We don't know what happened, but she found him in the foyer yesterday, and he was laying there, drooling, so she rushed him to the vet. They did what they could, but he didn't make it. Heather sent me an email to tell me they're going to do an autopsy on him, to see if he was poisoned or something. It just makes me sad. &=( I hate when animals die, especially without their people. And as everyone knows, my animals ARE my people. I spend more time with my girls than I do at work. We lay around and watch tv and talk and I'M A CRAZY LADY, AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS!!!!

Anyway, my sympathies to Heather and Kitty Boy. He wasn't especially friendly to me, but he was her kitty, and she'd had him since he was a baby.

Ok, so I'm outey for now. I'm back at work, and I gotta find something to do around here, or I'm going to go crazy.

*news flash*

i TOTALLY passed out at work today.

more laterzzz....

lost post

I just wrote a post and lost the whole blasted thing.

It's ok, though - I'm actually only having minor chest pains. It's just the same shit I feel every day, so it's easily recreatable. I hate when my writing takes that crooked, self-proprietary line of thought. I prefer to be able to branch out and write about "things," not just myself. I did have a lot of stuff in there that I needed to get out, so maybe I'll rewrite it later.

Hell, I wasn't plan on publishing it anyway. Half my blog is unpublished. I told myself I wouldn't do that - I wouldn't hide things. But then I realized it's my right. I don't have to share anything. Most of it is unedited garbage that I'll probably publish later when I get around to messing with it. The rest is stuff that people probably just don't need to read. I mean, there's no plans to assassinate anyone. It's just garbage about my depression, how stupid people make me feel, the various reasons that I avoid various people at varying times. I just...I've lived in this "crap-life" for the past 8 years, and I know how I work. I know the things to do for me, I know what works and doesn't work for me, and I know when I need to ask for help and when people need to just leave me the fuck alone.

It's like I can hear parts of Aaron's remark resonating in every look I get from people - it's like they're saying "I'm surprised you didn't kill yourself over the weekend. You actually found something better to do?" It's exactly like that.

Anyway, that's that. I'll post more later.

If I feel like it.

*sigh*

I GAVE BLOOD!

This is monumental for me. I just got back from giving blood!

Ok, wait - I just back from the cafeteria, where I got ice cream, because I was dizzy and shaky, when I got off the bus from giving blood. And, yes, I DO feel like I got attacked by a vampire...in my arm.

I'm normally scared - wait, TERRIFIED - of giving blood. But, it's Hospital Week, and they have all this crap that's going on around the hospital, and something inspired me to - to take a phrase from Nike - "just do it." Apparently, the hospital itself hasn't taken enough from me, in the two years that I've been here, so I elected to give more.

I was so nervous, I just kept texting people, to which I'm sure some of you fell victim - for that, I AM sorry. I kept getting all flashy and weird-feeling, and that was before I got on the bus (I stood outside, plastered against the side of the bus, like a covert ops spy, for about 10 min trying to convince myself to go in). I had to straight-faced answer questions like "Have you had sexual contact with a man who has had sexual contact with another man?" Well, I don't think so, but now, I can't be 110% sure of that. I don't know that ANY of us can be sure of that. I'll start asking around, though. I'll just say, in this day and age, now that it's cool and acceptable to be bi-, they have to ask you some really odd questions:

"Did you eat beef from a mad cow from the United Kingdom that had been shipped in from Africa, but sat dormant at a port in Reykjavik for longer than six months, while you got a tattoo from a gay man whose father was a dentist, and prescribed you Keflex for an ear infection you THOUGHT you had, that one Wednesday in September, when you called into work with a headache, and that girl who lived two doors down from you, had her friend over - well, you thought it was her friend, but it turns out, she was just seeing this other girl just to see if she could make her boyfriend jealous - and when you were over visiting, you kept making those stupid comments about how 'gay' something was, but then after you realized what was going on, you just sat quietly in the corner, trying not to say anything else that might make you look like an idiot, and then their cat got up on the couch next to you, and when you reached out to pet him, he sprayed you, and so you had to go through the rest of the night smelling like cat spray, and everyone was complaining about that weird smell, and it was just you, but you already felt too stupid to say anything?"

............

no.

and yes.

and the number 4 with a drawing of a hot dog underneath it, I think.

We were in one of those tiny blood drive buses, and it was tiny (VERY tiny), and smelly, and hot, and very, VERY dirty, and it made me nervous. So, I sat there, while she stuck me with a needle roughly the diameter of a drinking straw, and pumped my fist when I was supposed to pump my fist (hold for three, relax for five). And sweated. And got clammy. And kicked the lady's papers off my lap about 17 times, so that she'd have to crawl OVER me to get between the bus and my "comfy chair" that I'm SURE was crawling with...things. Then, I had to drink this tiny orange juice, and the container smelled like a meat pie. But I did good. I sweated it out, and I only almost threw up twice (I physically wretched)! I'm so proud of myself! And now, my blood is going to go save someone! Maybe! &=D Go, blood, go!

She said they call you every 56 days (wasn't that a movie about zombies?) to let you know you can go donate again, AND you get a card in the mail that you show every time you go donate. So, at the next car wreck, natural disaster, or long line at the post office, I can run up and say:

IT'S OK! I'M A CARD-CARRYING BLOOD DONOR!

And, amidst my protests, security will make me leave, like they always do. People have NO respect for the do-gooders of our society. &=(

All in all, it wasn't so bad, and I wouldn't mind going to do it again in 56 days.

Cripes. I keep getting up to answer the phone, and when I come to, I'm standing in a different part of the department. I don't think that ice cream did its job. And, that weenie orange juice. But for my donation, I got a hat that's too small and a shirt that's too big - in the end, I imagine it all averages out, right?


Great. One of my coworkers just came up and said I don't look so good. Fab. I think imma go home and lay down. I did that yesterday and forgot to wake up. I couldn't believe it, but I slept through the entire rest of the day. Oh, well - certainly wasn't the first time. I'm trying to come off a new medicine (that's apparently for people who seek "muffin-top tummy" - I've gained 15 lbs) and get on something else, so we'll see. Too bad, because that stuff was doing well, except for the flagrant need to eat EVERYTHING I could get my hands on (believe it or not, I managed to stay away from the cats' food). I don't like the feeling of being hungry, so I don't think I would do well as a homeless person. Unless newspaper and dirt are parts of a regular, well-balanced diet.

Ok, that's all. Imma post something else later. Or not. 'Cause "The Office" is on tonight.

GIVE BLOOD!

pain & humiliation builds character

my horoscope for the day:

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

Some unresolved relationship issues are frustrating, but they're also educational.

imma go ahead and be frank with you for this moment - there are times that education can suck my big toe.

i was born sorry

...why do i always have to have "do-overs" of parts of my life? it's because i'm a fucking idiot. fuck. i fucking hate myself. i hate myself for the stupid shit i do - especially to other people. god, i try to be such an angel and make myself out to be some altruistic do-gooder, when i'm not! i'm just another piece-of-shit asshole, taking up space in the world...

a brief explanation of the unexplicable

non-cutters will never understand cutters.

normal people will never understand those with depression.

people who have never been depressed...you'll never know until you've been in your own dark, abyssmal hole - alone. you don't KNOW what other peoples' holes are like. you don't know what lives in that hole with them. no one experiences the SAME emotions in that hole. everyone feels differently. they always will.

psychs can only classify it as "a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason." basically, it's saying you're sad for no reason. thanks, science.

but there is a reason. there is ALWAYS a reason. sometimes the sadness just moves past the reason, and beyond the dark veil. it's so hard to find your way back. and sometimes you stay lost for so long, you just don't see the point in trying to find your way back. it's like life will always be this way.

it's so hard to explain. the mental and physical work it takes to find your way out is exhausting. but you can't appreciate it until you've been there.

depression

it's a disease. in my book, it ranks right up there with cancer. i hate them both with a passion i can't describe. cancer took my mom, and depression took me. it still rears it's ugly head every so often, but i've learned how to acclimate. but i have had almost 8 years experience, so every day is a learning experience. i'm still fighting, damnit. i'm ready to meet my enemy head-on.

thankfully, i'm finally coming out on top. thank you to those of you who stuck around. i love you all incredibly.

TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!

DON'T LET PRIDE RULE YOU!

life lesson for today! &=)

were you looking, in specific, for poo smoking a cigarette?

one of my favorite things to look for on the net is really strange stuff, preferrably art, toys, comic books, etc.

well, friends, today, i hit the mother lode.

i was reading one of my regular webcomics, and i saw an advertisement for this site:

http://www.popthirteen.com

here's the summary:

We are a community of artists and art fans who believe in breaking the fabricated boundaries between disciplines and media. It shouldn't matter if it's a canvas, a designer toy, a pair of shoes, a digital desktop, or a comic book. But rather that creativity and art should be judged by good works and bad. In doing so, we believe, and hope that this community can be a part in moving the art revolution in this direction through four words...

view * collect * discuss * affect.

sweet. &=)

there's a link to dolls made in the images of various nightmares (strangedolls.net) that make even MY stomach hurt;

you know, this site i'm looking at now (www.cameroncollectibles.net) has an alarmingly large colletion of bobbleheads, most of them being from the hanna-barbera period - have these people discovered a porthole to the past?

they also have small, plastic toys in the shape of poo, smoking cigarettes (kozik sho-po plops);

well, now, here's a cute guy called "labbit," and apparently, "he wants all the eggs", as the box states. also featured is a labbit with a corncob pipe, for those of you who still don't wear shoes. oh, and here are miniature labbits all armed with their own tiny cigarettes - i don't think china/japan is up on the news that smoking is bad for your health - orrrr maybe they're just hitting their james dean era;

hey, here's a sasquatch holding a chainsaw!

this stuff is absolutely fascinating to me. it's, like, morbid, but i just can't turn away! must keep searching...

I LOST!

i almost just gave myself a coronary. of course it was a stupid reason - why would you even wonder that? this sweater that i've been looking for, for almost a year, was finally posted on ebay. i lost that son of a bitch in the last effing second, by a dollar. whoever was on the other side was also bidding, and i thought i had her outbid (by at least a few), but i KNEW i should have gone higher. i just knew it. i would just love to pummel whoever was on ther other side of the computer. omg, the swear words that are going through my head right now...they don't even make the keys so i can type them out.

you know, i haven't been this mad in a long time. and over a piece of clothing. yes, i'm embarrassed. i should be! there's a reason i don't do lots of ebaying. *sigh*

&=(

my sweater!

&=(

as for what else is happening, nothing. we're kinda dead today. the next few weeks are going to be kinda busy - various happenings and such. my knee surgery is on june 4, and believe it or not, i'm REALLY looking forward to it. i've fallen so many times, due to the pain, i don't even tell anyone anymore. it's just like my knee stops working, and the rest of my body says, "oh, yeah...gravity." i figure i'll be out for a couple of days, then come back on crutches or something. i don't really need to take off that long, especially if i have crutches or a brace or something, i'll be fine. ohhhh, i can't wait! &=) that way, i can start back running. i've been doing lots of stretches and toning exercises (and omg, YES, i feel them), but i don't really see anything happening until i can get back to running.

what else? geez, nothing. i'm still looking for an apartment. i'm hoping for somewhere down 31, between hoover and southside, but closer to southside, or else in southside (close to work). if i can't find anything there, i'm starting to lean towards the outside of town, back towards pell city - even moody/leeds i don't think would be out of the question. i'd prefer to stay close to work, but i don't really even care, as long as it's not rat-, bug-infested.

i've been working on some stalled projects i've had, and i'm proud to say i've actually gotten some work done on them! i've been putting lots of my earlier writings into a binder. i've had to separate them into "good writings" and "things on which i'd never like to dwell again" - needless to say, the latter will be set aflame at my graveside service, if not earlier. there are other things i've been putting into notebooks - magazine articles, recipes and stuff, but i'm running into a wall on what stuff to put into notebooks and which things to scrapbook. which is, er, also on my "to do list." i'm just hesitant to start anything new, since i'm getting ready to move out.

which reminds me - anyone who has any spare boxes, please let me know. and anyone who wants to build me some sturdy bookshelves, for when i get moved in, let me know. hey, just anyone - let me know!

god, i'm bored. and pissed. and hungry. ok, i'm sorry this post is lame. i just had to bitch about my sweater. i'm so mad about that. but i can be mad about it for right now. because i can. i'll be a grown-up later, when events warrant.

green investing

i'm waist-deep in researching about green investing right now, but i just had to post this. i thought this was a very good (and thankfully, recent) article in Forbes by Brent Kessel.

04.23.07, 12:32 PM ET

When it comes to socially responsible investing, it is possible to have both economic and environmental responsibility. Some folks engage in socially responsible investing from a thematic angle--getting rid of all the "bad" companies. We think there is a middle road, whereby investors can see excellent returns with investments in line with their personal values. At Kubera Portfolios, our socially screened investment porTfolio outperformed the S&P 500 Index by 17.6% over three years.

When vetting companies for our portfolios, our seven-member investment committees look closely at their eco-credentials: hunting for positives (such as recycling programs, clean energy initiatives, an earth-friendly product line) and screening for negatives (toxic emissions, hazardous waste liabilities, harmful community impact). First and foremost, however, we look closely at the balance sheet and make sure the company is fiscally sound, with a lean price-to-earnings ratio. We don't want to see investors sacrifice their own financial sustainability in their quest to be green.

As a guideline for sustainable investing, I've come up with four basic tenets I call "Green Rules of Thumb."

1. Elucidate your own personal social values. Everyone has a slightly different definition of "socially responsible." Determine what yours is, and tailor your portfolio accordingly.
2. Decide whether you want to be a shareholder activist or simply a socially concerned investor. Do you want to lobby for change in the boardroom or passively invest in a company you feel good about?
3. Be sure to analyze the expense ratio of mutual funds. Keeping your personal costs low is a hallmark of sustainable investing.
4. Invest in as many different types of sustainable companies as possible within your portfolio. Diversification is essential for positive returns. With the myriad of sustainable companies out there, don't abandon sound rules of investing. You don't have to.

Brent Kessel is CEO of Kubera Portfolios.

Interviewed by Devon Pendleton

there's also...wait...AHEM...

sorry. anyway, there's another company that i'm thinking about putting at least 75% of my vestage into, called Winslow Green:

http://www.winslowgreen.com/products/index.asp

i like the fact that there are at least a FEW people out there who understand that environmentally-sound people like money, too. yes, i'm a hippie in my own right. i'm my mother's daughter, and i'm a tree-hugging, animal-loving, vegetarian wackadoo, but let's be real. i like technology. i like an ipod. i love my computer almost as much as a person. i'm in love with the digital age, and i'm thankful i'm able to be a part of it's birth. i love the time i'm in, although i could have chosen to be born a little later, therefore making me a bit younger. i'd LOVE to be enrolled in school right now, preferrably college - not grade school. when my depression isn't peaking, i hunger for knowledge. it's like i can't get enough. ahhh, but i digress.

my point is, i'm glad there's finally someone out there who understands that although we want green companies, green investments, green living, we don't always want to have to sacrifice our hard-earned green for it! i mean, i'm lucky to have a job - i love working here. even if i won the lottery that i never entered, i still don't think i'd like to stop working. maybe less, but not altogether.

i've contacted several companies about green investing, but the answer is usually the same - "we don't offer our services in your backwoods, hillbilly, no-shoes wearin' area," or something to that effect. so, i'm just having to skirt around various obstacles to find something that suits me. anyway, i'm hoping this will all work out, eventually to my retired-self's benefit. sure, i'm all about instant gratification just like the next person.

and the saying is right - youth IS truly wasted on the young.

question of the day

if you HAVE a bad thought, but then you don't say it out loud;

OR

you have a bad thought, but then chastise yourself for thinking something like that;

are you still committing a heinous crime?

eg. you see someone do/say something (with or without a disability), and you mock them internally. you don't actually SAY anything - the thought just enters your mind...i want to say 'without actively thinking it,' but i'm pretty sure that's not possible.

i'm just curious.

i'm always too curious.

i'm that kind of curious that makes you get BIT BY A BAT AND THEN HAVE TO GET THIS RIDICULOUS SET OF SHOTS THAT COSTS LIKE A BATRILLION DOLLARS IN THE UNIVERSEOKTHXBAI!!!!

no word on that, yet. i'm trying to get someone to write me the scrip for the initial immunoglobulin shot, then i can go to my doc office to get the rest of the series. don't get me started on how we eventually got to this point, but we did, and i'm still pissed. i'm SOOOO close to changing insurances...GRRRRRRR!!!!!

btw, sean, i'm sorry i wasn't there to get your baby bird! i actually know not to pick things up, when you're in the woods, but once they fly INTO the alcove of your apartment, and you don't want people doing gross things to them, it's, um, kinda hard to not do SOMEthing. especially when people in your complex have fetishes for hitting animals and stuff in the parking lot. so, no matter how dangerous, i will ALWAYS vie for the animals' safety over a truck mowing it down, ok? and you know who's gonna stop me? no-damn-body. i used to stop traffic to help turtles cross the road, when i took the back way to junior college.

sorry - that's just a hot-button issue with me. unfortunate as i'm sure some of you might think, i WOULD put my life in danger to rescue an animal. it has the right to life just as i do, and that's what pushes me over the limit into the elective category "card-carrying PETA member."

IT'S OK! *pushes guy out of way* I'M IN PETA!

LOL-Kitteh as a Second Language

this came from my uncle gordon, from one of my favorite sites (as you can see, listed to the side there, iffn u dun b teh dummest reTARD kk lulz!!!) icanhascheezburger.com. little did i know, i've been speaking LOL-Kitteh in my head for YEARS...


LOL-Kitteh as a Second Language (LKSL-101) in Five Easy Steps

Step one: Think of something to say. This is tricky for some people. ;)

We’ll try a simple, common comment to start:

“That’s a really cute cat. And look, he has a bow on his head!”

Step two: “Engrish” it.

1) Mis-decline verbs, especially misuse the verb “to be”
2) Misuse gerunds
3) Overuse prepositional phrases
4) Blatant rearrangement of syntax
5) Incorrect plurals and past-tense verbs
6) “noun” your adjectives. (For instance, the adjective “blue” can become the noun “blueness”)
7) Improper pronouns
8 ) Drop the articles (”a”, “and”, “the”) in favor of adding “-age” to the end of a noun
9) Use “younger” words (”kitty” versus “cat”, “fuzzy” versus “furry”, etc.)
10) Use the word “with” inappropriately.
11) If you really can’t wrap your head around the concepts behind “Engrish”, try this: Go to babelfish.altavista.com, type your desired comment in, hit “english-to-Japanese”, then re-translate back to English. You have to be able to view special characters (the kanji). If you can’t get that to work, try translating to a different, european-text language, like German.

So, we get:

“That being the kitty very full of cuteness. And to be with looking! Him gots bowage on hims head!”

Step three: Misspell everything. There’s no wrong way to do this, just try not to accidentally correctly spell a completely different word (especially one that’s pronounced differently than your spelling intends). Some words (usually short words) should simply remain spelled correctly for continuity’s sake.

1) Think like a little kid / cat / dog / goldfish, and get hukd on foniks
2) I cannot stress this enough: Vowels are your friends! Do not neglect vowels!! We’re speaking LolKitteh here, not text messaging! (My advice: use alternate vowels, Y’s are particularly handy, but don’t overuse them.)
3) Extra W’s and H’s (”awl” instead of “all”)
4) Z’s instead of S’s are easy
5) Double-letters versus single letters are always fun
6) Don’t be afraid to further pluralize things, including your verbs
7) Remember that the word “THE” must always be spelled “TEH”

now, we have:

“Dat beesing teh kiti vary ful ov kutenis. An to bees lukingz! Hims gotz bowwagez on hims hed!!”

Step four: Add exclamations and extra words.

1) Use commonly accepted internet abbreviations. Misspell them if necessary. (LOL = lawlz! ROTFL = rofflz! OMG = omgwtfbbq!?! … etc … )
2) Imagine that you’re actually in a crowd of people and you want everyone to look at this particular picture. Extra exclamations are thus necessary.
3) Think Valley Girl. The words “like,” “totally,” etc can be added. Remember to misspell!
4) Some common statements have been severely abbreviated into one single multi-syllabic word. These are good to use. The best example is “Okay, thank you, good-bye!” Which has been shortened to “kthxbye” (or “kthxbai”)

And, we have:

“OMG wau!! Dat beesing a kiti vary ful ov tewtul kutenis!! Bees wif da lukingz! Omg him gotz da bowwagez on himz hed lyk WTF?!?”

Step five: Add additional information. This can be the desire to interact with the subject of the photo, personal information, empathetic or sympathetic statements, responses to other posts, etc. Again, nothing right or wrong here, just whatever comes to mind.

Finally:

“OMG wau!! Dat beesings a kiti vary ful ov tewtul kutenis!! Bees wif da lukingz!! Omg him gotz da bowwagez on himz hed lyk WTF?!? OMG I tewtul wuntz to grabz dat kiti and fuzziez himz awl ovar … him sooooooo mooshy an fullz ov win!! Don werry lil kiti, I no eetz u! I luvz kitiz! I can has bunchiz ov dem! Mah kitiz luvz bowwagez too! YETH!! GIMME!! Kthxbai!”

Remember that all of the above steps are basic guidelines for conversational lol-cat. Some regions do not always rearrange syntax. This a treasure for you. With some practice, you too can be writing (and speaking) in Conversational LolKitteh!

(this class is copyright ELFN 2007, all rights reserved, pliz to be kreditz if u be usingz da verbatumz kthxbai.)

stupid insurance - stupid rabies

we're in a bind about my rabies shots. my primary said i have to go to the health department for CDC reasons. i'm just going to look up and find out what the signs of rabies are, because i don't have $180 to be throwing around, until my insurance company FEELS like paying me back. i'll just wait and let them pay for the entire bill, when i end up in the hospital from this.

and you know, i can't help it, but i have to say something. one of the hottest guys i've ever known walked through one of the departments just now (i won't mention who or where for, um, liability reasons), and i have to say, the sight of that man walking away can surely bring a girl to her knees - in the good, old-fashioned sense, not the perverted kind.

every time i see him (coming to or going from), it makes my knees quiver - not just my bad knee. it makes me feel like i'm going to fall face-down on the ground. that's about all i can divulge about that issue. except that he's nice, and ah lak heem a LOT. &=)

*sigh*

i'm still exercising, but i need to find a cheap, back alley plastic surgeon. 'course, i DO own a dyson, so i guess i could just do most of it myself!

dyson - never loses suction.

*UPDATE*

oh, ok, so THIS is good:

In humans, signs and symptoms usually occur 30-90 days after the bite. Once people develop symptoms, they almost always die.

Early symptoms of rabies include fever, headache, sore throat, and feeling tired. As the virus gets to the brain, the person may act nervous, confused, and upset.

Other symptoms of rabies in humans include:

• pain or tingling at the site of the bite
• hallucinations (for example, seeing things that are not really there)
• hydrophobia ("fear of water" due to spasms in the throat)
• paralysis (unable to move parts of the body)

As the disease advances, the person enters into a coma and dies.

hmm...i'm still not convinced this is all worth $180. most of those symptoms i display on a daily basis, including the fear of water. hell, bats can't swim, and neither can i. we'll have to see.

let's talk

several things:

did you know that you can't just walk into the health department and GET a rabies shot? you have to have an APPOINTMENT. an appointment to have rabies.

next time i'll be handling wildlife, i'll remember to make an appointment.

also, would someone tell me when i turned into a real girl? heather and i went shopping on sunday to get her some things for her conference in denver, and i couldn't leave ross without buying clothes. it was...strange. not a feeling to which i'm accustomed.

i normally stand there and fidget while people shop, but i was like, LOOKING at stuff. and SHOPPING.

*shivers* i hope this doesn't become a habit.

lastly, did you know philadelphia makes ready-made cheesecake filling, and it comes in it's own handy tub? a giant tub. big enough for a whole cheesecake. i'd tell you the "nutritional facts" of it, but i'm too lazy to turn the tub around. plus, i can't hold my spoon, the tub, AND type.

*urp*

but for real, today will be day 5 that i've been doing my exercises. my friend, dave, showed me several exercises i can do with 5 lb weights, and i'm doing really good! &=D yay, me! i can't do anything where i bear weight on my knee, though, but hopefully, we're gonna get that fixed soon-ish.

dammit. i gotta get a scanner. that kneecap in two pieces is something to behold. stannard said he'd scrape out the insides of the two pieces, put in bone graft and put in tension screws. i told him, at this point, i couldn't care less if he lopped the damn thing off. he gave me some steroid cream to put on it, but it's not doing anything. i have to wait until after my coworker terri's wedding.

AAAAAND, my MRSA is acting up again. i've had several more...uh, LESIONS (yuck) pop up in various places around my body, and they're acting just like my pilonidal abscess, so i went to see dr han, and he confirmed that i'm ravaged with it. ok, well, it's just ON me. and he said that MRSA colonies live in - get this - the nose, the bellybutton and the anus. and because i have these things popping up, my, um, COLONIES are getting out of control. *shudders* i can acquire and manifest the strangest things.

ok, imma go fix some brussels sprouts (sprouts from brussels) and watch simpsons.

hope everyone is good. i'm making it, which is pretty good, especially for a MOONDAY.

my baby bat

here's my baby bat:




















the black things are his poopers.


















in this pic, he's got his mouth wide open and is doing that echo-location thing. this was right before i let him go! *sniff*

i went out behind my apartment the other night, around dusk, took him out of his box and held him in my hand. he crawled around for a few seconds, then crawled to the apex of my hand and took off. it was weird, because he didn't feel like he weighed anything at all, and when he took off, it was totally silent! but i saw him fly, and he flew perfectly fine, so at least neither of his wings were broken. if he would have had a broken wing, though, i would have acquired myself a new pet.

and before everyone gets all in an uproar, i'm gonna go to the health dept on monday and GET MY SHOTS. heather's husband, lee, keeps asking if i'm having any aversions to light or water.

and the answer to that would be *HISSSSSSSSSSSS*

this is BAT COUNTRY

ok, ok, guess what i got today????

A BAT!

ok, so, here's what happened. i was running late to work, and as i came out to lock the door to my apartment, i saw this big, dark thing out of the corner of my eye. i looked and saw a bat laying there, FLAT as a pancake, wings splayed all the way out. i was like, "OMG! OMG! is he...are you dead?" so, i picked him up, or at least i tried to. his claw-toe-things were embedded in the concrete. but i managed to pick him up high enough that when i had my hand under him, i could feel his tiny pulse/heartbeat. i started yelling, "OMG, you're NOT dead!" i know the people in the complex were like, "why is she always so weird???" so, i picked him up and cradled him in my warm hand, hoping that maybe he was just injured or cold or something. i was really late at that point, so i figured i'd take him to work with me. my boss and some of the people i work with are big hunters/outdoorsy-type people, so i knew they'd help me.

i got in the car and called my aunt, since they'd had experiences with their own bat "bruce," who lived in their house. i was about halfway to work, and we were talking bat-talk, when i felt movement in my hand. i looked down and said, "awww, he's trying to pick his head up!" amy said, "jimmy, if he starts flying around in that car..."

"OMG, GAAAH, HE'S AWAKE!!! HE'S GOT A WING OUT!"

he had apparently "come to," picked up his head, realized he was no longer in "bat country," and FREAKED. i had him by his left wing and chest, in the palm of my hand, and his head was up and his right wing was sticking straight out. when he woke up, he opened his mouth (bats have big mouths), and stuck his right wing out HUGE, and started clicking like mad. he was grabbing onto my shirt with his right wing fingernail-thing, while i was trying to hold him with my left hand, pull his nail off with my right, and navagate the interstate with my knee. he was freaking and bit me, like, 6 times, but it didn't hurt. it was like he didn't have any teeth. maybe they were just tiny and needle-like, and he's injected me with vampire poison, so now i'll have to feed from the blood of the living.

or he could just be a baby and not have any teeth.

so, anyway, he totally comes alive and is echo-locating like CRAZY. i know he's scared, and I'M scared, and amy's on the other end of the phone, yelling, "THROW HIM OUT THE WINDOW!!!" i was like, "onto the interstate??? are you crazy??!?" so, he kinda calmed down a little bit, once he realized that not only was i not going to let him go (flying around the car and more than likely into my hair), but he was also not really in peril, because he wasn't dying or hurting.

somehow, i made it to work and into a parking space. so, i'm sitting in the parking lot, holding a bat.

i just brought a BAT to work.

i mean, it sounded like a good idea in my head! so, i'm thinking, "how am i gonna get this guy inside?" i mean, i can't stick him in my bag, because he'll probably climb out, but more than likely, get squished. i was like, ummmmm.......so, i stuck him in my pocket!

i walked in to my department, walked right up to my boss and said, "umm, i have a little bit of a problem." he said, "ok. what is it?" i opened my pocket, and he jumped back and said, "WOAH! what the....??" he pointed over to one of my coworkers and said, "he's the man you need to talk to." so, i showed him to the other guy, tommy, while chris went and got me a box. tommy said he was just a brown bat. out of all the bazillions of bats in the universe, i got a brown one. he said, he probably got lost or bumped into something and was out when i found him. i said, "well, he was comin' alive on the way here!" chris came back and had him a lil box with a towel in it! i stuck him in chris' face and said, "say 'thank you, uncle chris!'" chris was like, "ehhhh...."

so, my bat is currently residing in a box, on top of some books, in my department. they keep SHOWING him to everyone, so i'll be getting fired any minute now for bringing wild animals to work. but he's SO CUTE! &=D i never thought i'd say that about a bat! but he is!!! i wish i would keep him, but i know i can't. i'm gonna wait until night, then take him out and put him on a tree behind my apartment, like tommy said. he said he was little enough that he could have just been a baby that got lost.

*doe eyes* I HAVE A LOST BABY BAT! &=(

then, chris kept asking derrick how much he could pay him to eat my bat.

guys are so frickin gross.

nobody's eating MY bat. i keep going to check on him, but he's just sitting in there, breathing really hard, making lotsa poops. he's got his lil wings pulled way up underneath him so you can't even tell he has wings. he looks like a little mouse...with REALLY long toenails. i can't wait to get him home. i think i'm gonna run by heather's and borrow her camera, so i can take his picture. he's gonna LOVE that.

yay! i'm temporary mother to a bat!

i found a baby bird in the parking lot of my junior college years ago. i'm TERRIFIED of birds, so i cried because i had to pick it up. but i couldn't just leave it there - i'm not that kind of person. back when i lived in pell city, i would take wild animals to my vet's office all the time - i know they got really sick of that. but i can't help it!

anyway, i'm pretty sure this guy (girl?) can fly, so we'll see tonight. if you see anything on the news about a girl in birmingham being attacked by a "nipsey-russle" of bats, you'll know it wasn't a freak accident.

just a freak.

to the hero.

Mood: thoughtful

this isn't an appeal, merely a statement...

i had that feeling again, tonight, and of all times, while i was watching shrek 2. it was that tiny bit of hope. it tried so hard to peek out...well, actually, it tried to tear it's way from my chest, and it was so strong. where does it come from?

i cried my eyes out when i heard that song "i need a hero," because i heard it. of course i heard the song, but i heard the plea.
do you understand that i've stopped? i don't ask anymore. i don't look for it in anyone, because i can't see it. i know what it looks like, and for me, it's blindingly obvious. there are people that i love, but they never fill that void. they're not the piece of the puzzle. they don't fill in the circle. they're all friends, and my true, dear friends lack nothing...sadly, that's all they can remain.

i need a hero by bonnie tyler

Where have all good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?

Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me

Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Up Where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there's someone somewhere
Watching me

Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like a fire in my blood

I need a hero...

abortion

Current mood: headache

i just read something that deeply disturbs me. i'm not going either way to say i'm pro-choice or pro-life, because i don't want to get into that discussion with anyone. it's a very personal and intimate discussion to me. but i was on abortionfacts.com (please don't ask - some days, i have a LOT of free time on my hands at work), and this site is saying that regular birth control pills are actually "micro-abortions."

*long silence*

ok, i'll just let you read for yourself. to me, this is another good reason to wait until you get married to have sex. (*coughsomeYOUNGERPEOPLEiknowcough*)

What about the standard contraceptive pill?

There are over 30 "contraceptive" pills on the market, each differing a little from the others. They "prevent" pregnancy through three separate functions.

1. They thicken the mucous plug at the cervix. If this is the primary effect, then it truly is contraceptive because it prevents sperm from entering.

2. They prevent release of the ovum. If this is the primary effect, then the function is "temporary" sterilization.

3. They render the lining of the womb hostile to the implantation of the tiny new human at one week of life. This effect is abortifacient.

The earlier high-estrogen pills largely prevented ovulation. The newer low-estrogen pills allow "break-through" ovulation in up to 20% or more of the months used. Such a released ovum is fertilized 10% or more of the time. Most of these tiny new lives which result, do not survive. The reason is that at one week of life this tiny new boy or girl cannot implant in the womb lining (see number 3 above) and dies. These are micro-abortions.

The pill, then, can have a contraceptive or temporary sterilization effect (by far the most common), or it can be an abortifacient. illke, "The Physiologic Function of Certain Birth Control Measures," National RTL News, Mar. 9, 1981

You mean the effect is to abort?

Yes! "The morphological changes observed in the endometrium of oral contraceptive users have functional significance and provide evidence that reduced endometrial receptivity does indeed contribute to the contraceptive efficacy of OCs." In other words, because the endometrial lining is not receptive to the human being, who must implant in order to continue living, the human being will die. Somkuti, et al., "The Effect of Oral Contraceptive Pills on Markers of Endometrial Receptivity," Fertility and Sterility, Vol. 65, #3, 3/96, p. 488

Currently watching : Shrek/Shrek 2
Release date: By 28 March, 2006

hurt

Current mood: depressed

my heart is heavy and empty at the same time. for some reason, loneliness consumes me. i don't know what it is - holidays, anniversaries. i've tried to give it a name, a reason. but it's just here. and it's on me. it's all over me. it is me. i can see death and hollowness in my eyes. sometimes the tears can't stop coming, but there are times they won't come at all. my agorophobia is bad again. i don't want to be around people. the only thing i can attempt to do is to stay busy, but even that won't hold me forever. am i just supposed to keep running until i collapse? there's no way. i can't force myself to be around people - that makes it all worse. it makes me hate myself, and it makes me resent the people i love.

i always think that it's him, but it's not. it's the thing that WAS him. it's the thing that made US. it's the comfort i found in the love i had with him. it was the feeling of falling into the arms of someone i truly loved with every fiber of my being.

now, people hug me. people tell me they are there. but it doesn't matter. it's not the same. and it doesn't help. it's so shallow and hateful for me to say those things, but i don't like to pretend. i do it all the time, just to make it through the fucking day, and i hate it. i'm never me. i'm so mournful inside right now. i'm so emo, so cliche. but it's me. it's how i feel.

my head hurts, my heart hurts, i'm trying so hard to get physically better, but this psychological crap puts up a brick wall in the path of my progress. and it takes so long and so much damn energy to chip away at the wall - just to make a big enough hole for me to crawl through. so, there's a hole, and there's still the wall that i try to leave behind, but the matter is still present. it's just pushed away.

i'm doing better financially - much better. that takes such a load off. but the saying is true - money doesn't buy happiness. it only feeds your need for REAL LIFE. i LONG to find someone who can love me for me, someone for whom my feelings are reciprocated. there are people who care for me, and people for whom i care. but i can't just MAKE myself feel a way. i want to, God knows i do. but i'm so afraid anymore.

no, not afraid.

tired.

tired of the fight. tired of the struggle. tired of pushing to make it every single day.
i want someone to find me. i want him to sweep me off my feet and make me feel like i've never felt. i want it to completely consume me. i want him to forgive me for having a past. i want someone who wants what i want. i want someone to have the fire that i have to help others. i'd love to meet someone who would join me in the peace corps, to travel and build and help and heal. that's all i can think about anymore. i know it's what i was meant to do. but i want someone to go with me. i want someone to want the same things i want. i don't know who he is. i don't even know if he exists. i want him to know that i would give my entire life to be a part of him. i want someone who doesn't push away if i feel the need to visit my family. i want someone who's family can become a part of mine. i want to mesh entirely into his life. i want what i had with aaron. i want it so badly, i can taste it.

it's not him. not anymore. it's just the relationship. it's what i had. i know it was perfect, i know i threw it away, i know it's gone. but i'm new. i'm forgiven. i'm clean and completely pure. my mind is in a different state. i can think clearly. i know what i want out of my life.

please let me have that chance. i don't know who you are. i don't even know if you exist. but please know that i'm good. i don't have hate in my heart, except for those who hurt the people i love. i'm here, and i know that i will continue on with or without you. but your attention would be wonderful. it would make my life so much easier, and i would love to do the same for you.

please find me.

Currently reading : Bridge to Terabithia
By Katherine Paterson
Release date: By 17 June, 1987