I threw up when I got to work this morning. No surprise, though, because I didn't sleep at all last night - just listened to the storm and tried to figure things out.
Waiting to hear back from doc, whether he can see me today or not. My message was pretty pitiful and crybaby-ish. I hate being a crybaby. I hate crying. I hate being sad at all. Or angry, or mad, or any of that. They're sucky emotions, and they cause you to hurt people.
But, no one really cares right now. I'm just making it all up. Surprise! These past ten years were all a guise! I'm not REALLY a victim of this so-called "chronic depression," that psychs obviously made up to get your money.
It doesn't matter so much that I have my good days - what matters is that I'm a horrid bitch when I have my bad ones. Yeah - I got all that. Well, I don't really need people who aren't going to listen to me, especially when I'm trying to explain myself and my frustration. Guess what? Me talk no good when my mess up like dis, hokay? Sometimes me get confused and say wrong thing.
I'VE DISCOVERED THE PROBLEM.
I STILL HAVE THE PROBLEM.
I'M MAKING STEPS TO CORRECT THE PROBLEM.
Does anyone give a damn? Not a bit.
But, everyone gets tired of "your shit" after a while. I can't say I blame them. But, you know what? I'm still me, no matter what happens. Even though I go through this, I'm still me. And, when I'm me, I STILL HAVE THIS.
I just REVEL in being depressed and singing my sorrows. You'd think, right? Yeah. No, I don't.
Think it's all about me? Right now, you're fucking right it is. My main concern is getting out of this hole. It's REALLY, REALLY frustrating getting pushed back in. Just when I think I've come leaps and bounds, SOMEthing has to happen. And, I fight so hard. I know few people believe me or even care, but if this was the one thing that stood between you and being the person you know you're supposed to be, you'd get a tad upset, too. I'm sorry - or so I assume.
I rarely ask for help. I'm not even asking for help, now. I can do this - completely on my own. Just ONCE, though, I'd like to find someone who is stronger than me, someone who knows me for ME, can help me, can recognize the signs, even before I can, someone who cares about ME, no matter how many bad days I have, who can find the gall and the patience to stand by my side, even when I AM at my very worst.
But, I won't put myself on anyone. I refuse to be a burden to anyone else. And, those of you who have had it, see ya. Sorry it didn't work out, but I'm always going to be me. And, I MIGHT sink into another depression. And, it's not going to be convenient for ANYONE. BUT IT'S PART OF MY MAKEUP.
EVERY, SINGLE PERSON IN MY FAMILY HAS BEEN ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. IT'S IN MY GENETICS. I ACTUALLY HAVE A PROPENSITY FOR BECOMING DEPRESSED. I DON'T BE THIS WAY BECAUSE I "WANT TO!"
Nevermind. It doesn't make any sense to someone who doesn't experience chronic depression. Because once you're out of it, it's hard to even imagine becoming that way again. One time, I felt that. But, here I am. Depressed AND alone (um, in my head).
Hey, what doesn't kill us makes us crazier, right?
3.26.2009
3.25.2009
My apologies to EVERYONE I've ever hurt - here is part of my everlasting penance.
Okay, so today was my third wreck in three consecutive days. First, I side-swiped my housemate, Justin's car. Not much damage.
Second, I rear-ended a lady going south on Hwy 31. Traffic had stopped abruptly, I wasn't paying attention, and my brakes are crap, and I skidded right into her.
This morning, I was late to work, and as I was turning into the parking deck, a lady passed me, and I didn't see the car behind her. Once again, if my brakes had been working, I wouldn't have hit her. Anyway, I plowed right into her head-on, but it was just the left sides of our bumpers that were damaged. I take that back - HERS was crushed. Mine was fine. And, she was cursing me, and all I could do was cry. So, I'm pretty sure she's going to sue me.
I can't remember what I said about this being the year that everything comes together. I must have meant everyone BUT me. Which is fine. I'm glad others are doing well. Honestly. I don't like to see other people suffering.
Except my Migs and me are fighting. I wish I knew why. Basically, everyone's mad at me for being depressed and being only about myself. I don't know what to say, except that I can't help it. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist I can't afford on Monday. All I can do is get help. I haven't realized that I was getting back into my depression, until I actually sat down and really thought about why I've been fighting with everyone. I've been so angry and bitter and I can't seem to find any peace within me. I seem peaceful and quiet on the outside, but inside, I'd really just like to beat someone's ass.
What else can I say? I'm not blaming anyone. I know this is all me. IT'S NO ONE'S FAULT BUT MY OWN. Okay? I'm not even blaming my depression, but you know, it IS sorta what's causing me to go downhill. So, I'd really appreciate it if everyone would give me a fucking break right now. No, no one's died. I haven't lost my job. Nothing major has happened in my life. I get it, okay? I haven't been myself for a while.
Just fucking give it a rest, already. I'm working on it.
Second, I rear-ended a lady going south on Hwy 31. Traffic had stopped abruptly, I wasn't paying attention, and my brakes are crap, and I skidded right into her.
This morning, I was late to work, and as I was turning into the parking deck, a lady passed me, and I didn't see the car behind her. Once again, if my brakes had been working, I wouldn't have hit her. Anyway, I plowed right into her head-on, but it was just the left sides of our bumpers that were damaged. I take that back - HERS was crushed. Mine was fine. And, she was cursing me, and all I could do was cry. So, I'm pretty sure she's going to sue me.
I can't remember what I said about this being the year that everything comes together. I must have meant everyone BUT me. Which is fine. I'm glad others are doing well. Honestly. I don't like to see other people suffering.
Except my Migs and me are fighting. I wish I knew why. Basically, everyone's mad at me for being depressed and being only about myself. I don't know what to say, except that I can't help it. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist I can't afford on Monday. All I can do is get help. I haven't realized that I was getting back into my depression, until I actually sat down and really thought about why I've been fighting with everyone. I've been so angry and bitter and I can't seem to find any peace within me. I seem peaceful and quiet on the outside, but inside, I'd really just like to beat someone's ass.
What else can I say? I'm not blaming anyone. I know this is all me. IT'S NO ONE'S FAULT BUT MY OWN. Okay? I'm not even blaming my depression, but you know, it IS sorta what's causing me to go downhill. So, I'd really appreciate it if everyone would give me a fucking break right now. No, no one's died. I haven't lost my job. Nothing major has happened in my life. I get it, okay? I haven't been myself for a while.
Just fucking give it a rest, already. I'm working on it.
3.23.2009
Jittery brain
Here I am, back at work.
Not much has changed, but by the same token, everything has. This hospital is going down faster than my body on the weekend.
Right now, though, for some reason, I am trembling from head to toe. It's not grossly obvious. But, the way my body is behaving, I feel as though I'm in the early stages of a panic attack. It goes no farther than that. I'm not really stressed, unless this is like that psychosomatic Children's thing.
Back in 2002, when I worked at Children's (I think I've mentioned this once already), whenever I would get to work, go down the elevator to the parking deck, get outside and lay eyes on the building, I would burst into a bitter, cold sweat, the taste of metal filling my mouth, and my head would begin to pound, until the time I finally clocked out of work.
Little did I know, these were "WARNING SIGNS," my body or God, one, telling me to GET OUT. Unfortunately, the irreparable damage had already been done, by the time I got the message - to both me, and to others.
Sadly, those are the same incidents which keep me awake at night, pondering who I was at that point in my life. Those times were some of my greatest self-discovery and my most tragic self-defeat. That era in my life is when everything completely went to shit. It wasn't enough that I'd lost my mother, so I ran away my best friend. I was in and out of a stupor, drinking and doing drugs, then finally landed in rehab after expressing desire to end my own life.
Little did I know, that feeling would be very close to me - my breath of fresh air, when I felt so stifled by everything else in my life. No, I don't WANT to die. I just want to stop hurting. I need to be in control of something in my life.
Which is why I cut.
I haven't done it in a long, long time, but stress has been high, and the feelings have been strong, tagging along in my shadows, in my subconscious. I feel the draw towards any jagged piece of glass, to place it on my pronated forearm and just dig. It's control. I NEED to be in control of SOMETHING in my life. I can't control the economy, I can't control the emotions of others, I can't control the horrible things that happen in and outside of work, I can't control life or death - but I need SOMETHING. When it gets to that point, I'm really just grasping at air.
I have a very dear friend who wrote a wonderful piece about her struggles, so I figured I could share mine...as a fellow addict. It's the only thing we have. It's so hard - we feel so much differently than everyone else. And, people say we're "weak" or "sick," but we've just found a way to cope with our heartache in a way that (usually) doesn't involve screaming matches or road rage or lashing out at anyone. Mine, does, sometimes - but I will forever be a work in progress. I will always be completely unhappy with myself. I will always know that I was so much stronger, that I could have withstood so much more, that I could have spent less time at home or sleeping or on the computer or at a job I hated, and more time helping others.
I could have been better.
That's what I want on my headstone.
We should always strive to be better.
Just so you know, I'm still pushing. I get really, really tired - a lot lately. I feel as though I've become Sisyphus, from Greek mythology (as well ruled by Hades), pushing that huge boulder up the mountain and being forced to watch it roll down, to only repeat the action over and over, which, by Einstein's standards, was the definition of "insanity."
I really think I'm just going to focus on getting through the shakes right now.
Not much has changed, but by the same token, everything has. This hospital is going down faster than my body on the weekend.
Right now, though, for some reason, I am trembling from head to toe. It's not grossly obvious. But, the way my body is behaving, I feel as though I'm in the early stages of a panic attack. It goes no farther than that. I'm not really stressed, unless this is like that psychosomatic Children's thing.
Back in 2002, when I worked at Children's (I think I've mentioned this once already), whenever I would get to work, go down the elevator to the parking deck, get outside and lay eyes on the building, I would burst into a bitter, cold sweat, the taste of metal filling my mouth, and my head would begin to pound, until the time I finally clocked out of work.
Little did I know, these were "WARNING SIGNS," my body or God, one, telling me to GET OUT. Unfortunately, the irreparable damage had already been done, by the time I got the message - to both me, and to others.
Sadly, those are the same incidents which keep me awake at night, pondering who I was at that point in my life. Those times were some of my greatest self-discovery and my most tragic self-defeat. That era in my life is when everything completely went to shit. It wasn't enough that I'd lost my mother, so I ran away my best friend. I was in and out of a stupor, drinking and doing drugs, then finally landed in rehab after expressing desire to end my own life.
Little did I know, that feeling would be very close to me - my breath of fresh air, when I felt so stifled by everything else in my life. No, I don't WANT to die. I just want to stop hurting. I need to be in control of something in my life.
Which is why I cut.
I haven't done it in a long, long time, but stress has been high, and the feelings have been strong, tagging along in my shadows, in my subconscious. I feel the draw towards any jagged piece of glass, to place it on my pronated forearm and just dig. It's control. I NEED to be in control of SOMETHING in my life. I can't control the economy, I can't control the emotions of others, I can't control the horrible things that happen in and outside of work, I can't control life or death - but I need SOMETHING. When it gets to that point, I'm really just grasping at air.
I have a very dear friend who wrote a wonderful piece about her struggles, so I figured I could share mine...as a fellow addict. It's the only thing we have. It's so hard - we feel so much differently than everyone else. And, people say we're "weak" or "sick," but we've just found a way to cope with our heartache in a way that (usually) doesn't involve screaming matches or road rage or lashing out at anyone. Mine, does, sometimes - but I will forever be a work in progress. I will always be completely unhappy with myself. I will always know that I was so much stronger, that I could have withstood so much more, that I could have spent less time at home or sleeping or on the computer or at a job I hated, and more time helping others.
I could have been better.
That's what I want on my headstone.
We should always strive to be better.
Just so you know, I'm still pushing. I get really, really tired - a lot lately. I feel as though I've become Sisyphus, from Greek mythology (as well ruled by Hades), pushing that huge boulder up the mountain and being forced to watch it roll down, to only repeat the action over and over, which, by Einstein's standards, was the definition of "insanity."
I really think I'm just going to focus on getting through the shakes right now.
3.22.2009
Life sucks, part abillion
I'd like to blog right now, but I can't. Too many people read my stuff now. Or nitpick through it for hints.
Here's a hint:
Leave me alone.
Not so much a hint as a direct command.
It sucks to be too broke to afford your own medicine. It sucks to not be able to function like a normal human being without certain (prescribed) drugs in your system. But, I'm supposed to tell myself that it's just like any other part of my body being sick. I have to give it medicine, until it's better.
I don't want to be sick, though. And, I'll never be BETTER. If I wasn't so worried about my "state of mind," I would have already been gone from here. And, that's all I want, to be honest. I want to be out of here. I want to be gone. I want to be helping the people I'm supposed to be helping. I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be here. I'm not happy here.
Why is this so hard?
There are so many things that act as no more than slight distractions from time to time.
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
Isn't that what it all ends up sounding like?
Wish I had something good to report. Thankfully, everything is about the same as it ever was. Unfortunately, I have to return to work tomorrow, after a two-week hiatus.
I feel so...stifled. It feels like someone is standing on my neck.
Metaphorically? I don't really know.
I'm just going to lay here until something comes to me...or until I pass out. Or should I just hold my breath?
Proper comedic timing. That's what I need.
And a hell of a lot of Diprivan and Valium.
2.19.2009
Stay to the right
Okay, lots going on, as usual. Can't post any details right now, because apparently people READ this stuff and try to pull out tiny, little details to make up great, big stories.
People. Seriously. Just read it and keep it to yourselves. Am I THAT interesting???
Not by a long shot.
Not lately anyway.
Think of this as a mystery. Let ME do the speculating FOR you. It's funner that way.
Right this second, I'm seriously nauseated from this pukey-sinusey-migraine thing that I've got going on. Been a long time since I've had a barf headache. And, I mean the regular kind - not the drunk kind. I haven't had a drink in I actually can't remember how long. Good for my stomach - not so good for my post-work psyche. (Psycho? Whatev. It's all the same.)
Major changes going on. Not all of them are good.
S
o
m
e
a
r
e
.
We'll see.
Ugh, bathroom - brb.
Nope. False alarm.
I'm getting ready to read Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chödrön.
I'm losing it. I'm losing myself. I'm losing it in work. I've even lost it in my daily life. I can't find who I am anymore. I AM compassionate! But, why has it all of a sudden fallen away? Why does it seem like the world (as in the people in it) seek only to destroy you; disassemble you until there's nothing left but the ragged, empty pieces of what could have been a great life?
How do you end up drained, staring at a television for the rest of your life, rotting away? How does it happen? Why? You can be so much more. You can do so much better. You can do whatever you like.
So, do it.
I can't STAND grappling with my BEING. I hate it. How dare you try to change me!??! You have NO RIGHT to talk down to me and be hateful to me! I refuse to put up with it anymore!
But, that's my problem - I get so frustrated, but nothing will change.
Well, things WILL change, because I will change them.
I've lost all desire to help ... to be a "team player" ... to work ... to care.
It scares the shit out of me. &=( I don't like it at all.
But, I'll get it back. I WILL leave here and become a part of what the real world expects of me. I will follow through with what I feel God is leading me to do. (Don't believe in God? That's okay - you can feel sorry for me when I'm dead.)
You won't pull me down to your miserable level. Not for long.
Because I'll see you at the end of this life, my face lined with the years.
Only my memories will be happy.
My life will be full.
Have you ever wondered: what should your life reflect?
1.31.2009
Oh, for the love of post
I know. I have a lot of explaining to do.
Right now, I'm considering quitting Highlands and moving up to Huntsville with Chris. Also, I'm going to start taking short "mission trips" with a buddy of mine, to third world countries. I'm not sure where we'll start, but I know we're going to El Salvador next year.
Like I said...there's a lot going on that I have to explain.
Just not right now.
I'M still having a hard time letting it sink in.
But, what of my beloved family?
They're still the people I love more than anything in the universe.
And, my Mig?
She's still the most wonderful person I've ever met, and will ever meet, in the whole of my existence.
I just can't keep putting everything on hold. I'm so tired of the same thing. You know how I am. The fact that I'll be turning four at Highlands in March is HUGE for me. I love working in medicine, but it's stunting my drive for everything. My desire for things are so desperately waning, I feel as though, at times, I'm hardly alive. It's really beginning to scare me.
My life wasn't meant to revolve around money. I was built for love and caring - not bills and deadlines. I'm not saying that I deserve any different than anyone else. I only know what feels right to me. And, grinding myself to the bone, day after day, for not even so much as a pat on the back - I may as well be working for nothing.
I'd rather work for a true nothing and know that at the end of the day, I've made a difference in at least one person's life...and I don't mean by poisoning them with radiation.
God, if You'll just point me in the right direction, I'll walk with eyes closed.
I cannot believe that the purpose of life is (merely) to be "happy." I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be honorable, to be compassionate. It is, above all, to matter: to have it make some difference that you have lived at all.
-- Leo Rosten
Right now, I'm considering quitting Highlands and moving up to Huntsville with Chris. Also, I'm going to start taking short "mission trips" with a buddy of mine, to third world countries. I'm not sure where we'll start, but I know we're going to El Salvador next year.
Like I said...there's a lot going on that I have to explain.
Just not right now.
I'M still having a hard time letting it sink in.
But, what of my beloved family?
They're still the people I love more than anything in the universe.
And, my Mig?
She's still the most wonderful person I've ever met, and will ever meet, in the whole of my existence.
I just can't keep putting everything on hold. I'm so tired of the same thing. You know how I am. The fact that I'll be turning four at Highlands in March is HUGE for me. I love working in medicine, but it's stunting my drive for everything. My desire for things are so desperately waning, I feel as though, at times, I'm hardly alive. It's really beginning to scare me.
My life wasn't meant to revolve around money. I was built for love and caring - not bills and deadlines. I'm not saying that I deserve any different than anyone else. I only know what feels right to me. And, grinding myself to the bone, day after day, for not even so much as a pat on the back - I may as well be working for nothing.
I'd rather work for a true nothing and know that at the end of the day, I've made a difference in at least one person's life...and I don't mean by poisoning them with radiation.
God, if You'll just point me in the right direction, I'll walk with eyes closed.
I cannot believe that the purpose of life is (merely) to be "happy." I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be honorable, to be compassionate. It is, above all, to matter: to have it make some difference that you have lived at all.
-- Leo Rosten
1.20.2009
gO
Happy inaguration day, President O.
May God bless this to be better than the last eight years.
There are at least a few of us who'd like to see things change.
Michael Jackson, HIStory? Psh.
THIS is history.
May God bless this to be better than the last eight years.
There are at least a few of us who'd like to see things change.
Michael Jackson, HIStory? Psh.
THIS is history.
1.08.2009
Oh, holy kitties
The ONE gift I wrapped this Christmas (not counting all the wrapping I did for Amy), this is exactly how it went:
Both Jammy & Booboo wouldn't stay off the paper...or wouldn't stop playing with it, or eating it, or pulling the tape dispenser away.
Maybe this is actually why I don't give presents. Hmm....
This one is also fairly accurate:
Both Jammy & Booboo wouldn't stay off the paper...or wouldn't stop playing with it, or eating it, or pulling the tape dispenser away.
Maybe this is actually why I don't give presents. Hmm....
This one is also fairly accurate:
1.02.2009
*Incompleted* thoughts
Um, I think I forgot to mention this. If I did already, then whoops.
If you're one of the ones who follows my blog closely, you'll notice some older posts popping up, with the word "Incompleted" in red at the bottom. I've been going through my archive and trying to post the ones where I had brief thoughts and was just never able to finish it. I'm TRYING to kind of edit them, so they look neat and have the correct words in the right places, but you know my stance on reading my own stuff. I just don't do it. I don't like to. And, I've never been able to figure that out.
Weirdo.
Anyway, the posts have been posted for their original dates, so there will be a bunch of 08's, 07's popping up here and there.
Again, these are not always fully formatted to my standard, but I still feel the need to publish the ideas.
And, if you have no desire to read my life in reverse, then why are you still reading this?
Geez, see, like I wrote a LOT of stuff the other day, but it's all disjointed and crazy. So, I'll have to get in and dig all through that KRAP, to make it even the least bit readable.
I'm really tired today. My brain and my being feel like they've just been wrestling all night long. Ugh. Stop touching each other. I'm going to have to separate you two, if you don't behave.
Oh, yeah! I'm going to a Veggie Meet (yeah, meat, haha, I got it.) tomorrow at Bottletree, and I'm REALLY excited! I'm just hoping they're not all FREAKS.
Somehow - and I don't mean to sound presumptuous - I've managed to remain fairly normal, taking on my new Bohemian attitude. You'll still find me digging through trash cans on the side of the road, to find things to throw in my car to recycle. I have a serious problem with that.
But, I really still have a normal outlook on life. I don't cry when people eat burgers (it's your colon, not mine), I don't NOT wear shoes, I don't eat only organic celery and bathe in pure jasmine oils.
I just like being me. So what if I'm Bohemian? You have a problem with that? Bring it.
No, seriously, though - I just love the things that are vulnerable. I have to. I think everyone should have to. I need to speak out for the ones who can't. I long to educate people. I love when people ask me questions about the things I do. I love when they show interest.
GAH! Have you realized that I just talk about the same things over and over and over?????????? I HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!
Grrrrrrrrrrrr.........
You want to know what's happening right now?
I've reconciled with my friend Chris, but we're not planning on dating or whatever. I just can't handle that right this second. He's helping me get my apartment together this weekend, because I just can't seem to get motivated when I'm alone. And, if you've ever been to my place, you'll know - that's all the motivation I need. I just need someone to talk to while I clean.
I don't WANT a boyfriend. Hmmm........I want a MANFRIEND. And, I'm just not in a hurry. I'm just not! I don't want to talk about sex. I don't want to rely on that. I enjoy having FRIENDS of the opposite sex. These are not FWB. At all. I'd just like to clear that up. And, no, thank you. It doesn't have anything to do with my butt - it's just my feelings. My feelings don't want to have sex right now. So, good.
But, my Mig is always so busy with her family, and although, we're both trying really hard to do better at that, they've just always got a lot going on. I don't fault her for that. I do envy her, though....like mad.
I just like having someone there. Not a roommate. You KNOW I don't play that. But, I just like having someone there, someone to hang out with, someone to watch movies with, someone to drag to the grocery store, and it backfires, because you both have agoraphobia and anthrophobia, and later, the stocking crew finds you in the fetal position in the crafts section, because no one ever goes back there, and your friend? Oh, he made it back to the car, but they're having a real problem trying to coax him out from under it.
See, those are the stories that make stuff fun. And, every time Mig and I get together, we have those. We have the whole "weird stuff happens when we're together" disease. Apparently, it's rampant. The time we almost took out a doctor in the crosswalk? Awesome.
Can you tell my mind is wandering? I can. It's gone for a walk and left me stranded, typing random words, trying to make sentences. Cheese for time on a group of the oyster tiny poop-monster, for jumping that squirrel on a raisin for boys, how to go zippering for a restaurant in the butt cleavage.
ARRRRGGGGGG!!!!!! THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE! PLUS, A GROCERY LIST!!1!1!!!!!111
*sigh*
I'm still in love with someone - that someone I shouldn't be. I adore him.
Llama.
That's not really his name...........but almost.
Let's see. What else is going on? Butt thing is still going, and it's not AS painful as before, but OMFC, IT'S ANNOYING. It's more annoying and inconvenient at this point. We're still packing (working on the 28th day now), and it's actually closing up. For the love of all that is holy, I'm so thankful.
AHA! I just thought of the other thing.
I haven't really told anyone, because I've been so embarrassed, but I started losing my hair several months ago. And, it was A LOT of hair. I kept passing it off, and people kept telling me, "omg, you have too much hair anyway, I can't even tell, it looks great, I lose that much hair all the time, blah, blah, blah, etc, etc, I don't care, I'm just trying to say things to make you feel better...."
Well, GUESS WHAT? I went to the doctor (and, thank you, Dr Hartman!), and I have telogen effluvium:
"Telogen effluvium is a form of nonscarring alopecia characterized by diffuse hair shedding, often with an acute onset.
Hairs will grow for a few years, then rest for a few months, shed, and regrow. Telogen is the name for the resting stage of the hair growth cycle. A telogen effluvium is when some stress causes hair roots to be pushed prematurely into the resting state. Telogen effluvium can be acute or chronic.
If there is some "shock to the system," as many as 70% of the scalp hairs are then shed in large numbers about 2 months after the "shock." This sudden increase in hair loss, usually described as the hair coming out in handfuls, is acute telogen effluvium."
You now know as much as I do.
He walked into the room, and I burst into tears. There's been no extra stress (except for my hair falling out), I've not changed meds, I'm not on a diet, except being vegetarian, no, it doesn't run in my family...nothing.
He says, "Telogen Effluvium. I see it all the time. Women coming in here, losing their hair for no apparent reason. But, it's okay. We can fix this. It IS treatable, and no, you're NOT going to have to shave your head. But you ARE going to have to stop worrying about this, because you're just making it worse. WE WILL FIX THIS."
So, I get a script for some antifungal shampoo (I'm growing mushrooms in my hair), Ketoconazole:
"Ketoconazole is a synthetic antifungal drug used to prevent and treat fungal infections, especially in immunocompromised patients such as those with AIDS. Ketoconazole is sold commercially as an anti-dandruff shampoo, branded Nizoral, by Janssen Pharmaceutica."
AND I have to start using Minoxidil 5% - also known as ROGAINE FOR MEN.
Yes, dear friends. I am now using Rogaine for men. If you look at the directions, it says specifically, DO NOT USE ON WOMEN. Oh, well. Or, as Judas Priest says, I'm "breakin' the law, breakin' the law!!!!"
Also, protein. I hate nuts. Did you know gummi bears don't have protein? WTC? If I have to put a nut in my mouth, I'm going to gag. Peanut butter is okay, as long as I have cold milk to chase it with.
Protein.
Protein, why you do this to me? &=(
Pilonidal abscesses.
Telogen Effluvium.
Congenital Bipartite Patella.
This is next:
Fish Odour Syndrome
A rare disorder where the body cannot produce a substance known as FM03 or monooxygenase 3 and as a result, its ability to break down Trimethylamine is impaired. The result of this is most unpleasant as it causes the person’s sweat, urine and breath to give off a very strong and fishy odour or a smell like that of rotten eggs.
or maybe some Capgras Syndrome?
People suffering from the extremely rare Capgras Syndrome believe that a loved one or a significant other person in their life is being impersonated by an impostor. This can even lead to the sufferer attacking the perceived impostor. Sometimes it extends itself to the sufferer themselves who believe that when they look in the mirror it is not their own reflection staring back at them but the image of an impersonator.
I mean, why not?
Actually, this one is my personal favorite:
Alice in Wonderland syndrome
Time, space and body image are distorted
Alice in Wonderland syndrome (AIWS), or micropsia, is a disorienting neurological condition which affects human visual perception. Subjects perceive humans, parts of humans, animals, and inanimate objects as substantially smaller than in reality. Generally, the object perceived appears far away or extremely close at the same time. For example, a family pet, such as a dog, may appear the size of a mouse, or a normal car may look shrunk to scale. This leads to another name for the condition, Lilliput sight or Lilliputian hallucinations, named after the small people in Jonathan Swift's Gulliver's Travels. The condition is in terms of perception only; the mechanics of the eye are not affected, only the brain's interpretation of information passed from the eyes.
I'm out. Peace, yo.
If you're one of the ones who follows my blog closely, you'll notice some older posts popping up, with the word "Incompleted" in red at the bottom. I've been going through my archive and trying to post the ones where I had brief thoughts and was just never able to finish it. I'm TRYING to kind of edit them, so they look neat and have the correct words in the right places, but you know my stance on reading my own stuff. I just don't do it. I don't like to. And, I've never been able to figure that out.
Weirdo.
Anyway, the posts have been posted for their original dates, so there will be a bunch of 08's, 07's popping up here and there.
Again, these are not always fully formatted to my standard, but I still feel the need to publish the ideas.
And, if you have no desire to read my life in reverse, then why are you still reading this?
Geez, see, like I wrote a LOT of stuff the other day, but it's all disjointed and crazy. So, I'll have to get in and dig all through that KRAP, to make it even the least bit readable.
I'm really tired today. My brain and my being feel like they've just been wrestling all night long. Ugh. Stop touching each other. I'm going to have to separate you two, if you don't behave.
Oh, yeah! I'm going to a Veggie Meet (yeah, meat, haha, I got it.) tomorrow at Bottletree, and I'm REALLY excited! I'm just hoping they're not all FREAKS.
Somehow - and I don't mean to sound presumptuous - I've managed to remain fairly normal, taking on my new Bohemian attitude. You'll still find me digging through trash cans on the side of the road, to find things to throw in my car to recycle. I have a serious problem with that.
But, I really still have a normal outlook on life. I don't cry when people eat burgers (it's your colon, not mine), I don't NOT wear shoes, I don't eat only organic celery and bathe in pure jasmine oils.
I just like being me. So what if I'm Bohemian? You have a problem with that? Bring it.
No, seriously, though - I just love the things that are vulnerable. I have to. I think everyone should have to. I need to speak out for the ones who can't. I long to educate people. I love when people ask me questions about the things I do. I love when they show interest.
GAH! Have you realized that I just talk about the same things over and over and over?????????? I HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!
Grrrrrrrrrrrr.........
You want to know what's happening right now?
I've reconciled with my friend Chris, but we're not planning on dating or whatever. I just can't handle that right this second. He's helping me get my apartment together this weekend, because I just can't seem to get motivated when I'm alone. And, if you've ever been to my place, you'll know - that's all the motivation I need. I just need someone to talk to while I clean.
I don't WANT a boyfriend. Hmmm........I want a MANFRIEND. And, I'm just not in a hurry. I'm just not! I don't want to talk about sex. I don't want to rely on that. I enjoy having FRIENDS of the opposite sex. These are not FWB. At all. I'd just like to clear that up. And, no, thank you. It doesn't have anything to do with my butt - it's just my feelings. My feelings don't want to have sex right now. So, good.
But, my Mig is always so busy with her family, and although, we're both trying really hard to do better at that, they've just always got a lot going on. I don't fault her for that. I do envy her, though....like mad.
I just like having someone there. Not a roommate. You KNOW I don't play that. But, I just like having someone there, someone to hang out with, someone to watch movies with, someone to drag to the grocery store, and it backfires, because you both have agoraphobia and anthrophobia, and later, the stocking crew finds you in the fetal position in the crafts section, because no one ever goes back there, and your friend? Oh, he made it back to the car, but they're having a real problem trying to coax him out from under it.
See, those are the stories that make stuff fun. And, every time Mig and I get together, we have those. We have the whole "weird stuff happens when we're together" disease. Apparently, it's rampant. The time we almost took out a doctor in the crosswalk? Awesome.
Can you tell my mind is wandering? I can. It's gone for a walk and left me stranded, typing random words, trying to make sentences. Cheese for time on a group of the oyster tiny poop-monster, for jumping that squirrel on a raisin for boys, how to go zippering for a restaurant in the butt cleavage.
ARRRRGGGGGG!!!!!! THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE! PLUS, A GROCERY LIST!!1!1!!!!!111
*sigh*
I'm still in love with someone - that someone I shouldn't be. I adore him.
Llama.
That's not really his name...........but almost.
Let's see. What else is going on? Butt thing is still going, and it's not AS painful as before, but OMFC, IT'S ANNOYING. It's more annoying and inconvenient at this point. We're still packing (working on the 28th day now), and it's actually closing up. For the love of all that is holy, I'm so thankful.
AHA! I just thought of the other thing.
I haven't really told anyone, because I've been so embarrassed, but I started losing my hair several months ago. And, it was A LOT of hair. I kept passing it off, and people kept telling me, "omg, you have too much hair anyway, I can't even tell, it looks great, I lose that much hair all the time, blah, blah, blah, etc, etc, I don't care, I'm just trying to say things to make you feel better...."
Well, GUESS WHAT? I went to the doctor (and, thank you, Dr Hartman!), and I have telogen effluvium:
"Telogen effluvium is a form of nonscarring alopecia characterized by diffuse hair shedding, often with an acute onset.
Hairs will grow for a few years, then rest for a few months, shed, and regrow. Telogen is the name for the resting stage of the hair growth cycle. A telogen effluvium is when some stress causes hair roots to be pushed prematurely into the resting state. Telogen effluvium can be acute or chronic.
If there is some "shock to the system," as many as 70% of the scalp hairs are then shed in large numbers about 2 months after the "shock." This sudden increase in hair loss, usually described as the hair coming out in handfuls, is acute telogen effluvium."
You now know as much as I do.
He walked into the room, and I burst into tears. There's been no extra stress (except for my hair falling out), I've not changed meds, I'm not on a diet, except being vegetarian, no, it doesn't run in my family...nothing.
He says, "Telogen Effluvium. I see it all the time. Women coming in here, losing their hair for no apparent reason. But, it's okay. We can fix this. It IS treatable, and no, you're NOT going to have to shave your head. But you ARE going to have to stop worrying about this, because you're just making it worse. WE WILL FIX THIS."
So, I get a script for some antifungal shampoo (I'm growing mushrooms in my hair), Ketoconazole:
"Ketoconazole is a synthetic antifungal drug used to prevent and treat fungal infections, especially in immunocompromised patients such as those with AIDS. Ketoconazole is sold commercially as an anti-dandruff shampoo, branded Nizoral, by Janssen Pharmaceutica."
AND I have to start using Minoxidil 5% - also known as ROGAINE FOR MEN.
Yes, dear friends. I am now using Rogaine for men. If you look at the directions, it says specifically, DO NOT USE ON WOMEN. Oh, well. Or, as Judas Priest says, I'm "breakin' the law, breakin' the law!!!!"
Also, protein. I hate nuts. Did you know gummi bears don't have protein? WTC? If I have to put a nut in my mouth, I'm going to gag. Peanut butter is okay, as long as I have cold milk to chase it with.
Protein.
Protein, why you do this to me? &=(
Pilonidal abscesses.
Telogen Effluvium.
Congenital Bipartite Patella.
This is next:
Fish Odour Syndrome
A rare disorder where the body cannot produce a substance known as FM03 or monooxygenase 3 and as a result, its ability to break down Trimethylamine is impaired. The result of this is most unpleasant as it causes the person’s sweat, urine and breath to give off a very strong and fishy odour or a smell like that of rotten eggs.
or maybe some Capgras Syndrome?
People suffering from the extremely rare Capgras Syndrome believe that a loved one or a significant other person in their life is being impersonated by an impostor. This can even lead to the sufferer attacking the perceived impostor. Sometimes it extends itself to the sufferer themselves who believe that when they look in the mirror it is not their own reflection staring back at them but the image of an impersonator.
I mean, why not?
Actually, this one is my personal favorite:
Alice in Wonderland syndrome
Time, space and body image are distorted
Alice in Wonderland syndrome (AIWS), or micropsia, is a disorienting neurological condition which affects human visual perception. Subjects perceive humans, parts of humans, animals, and inanimate objects as substantially smaller than in reality. Generally, the object perceived appears far away or extremely close at the same time. For example, a family pet, such as a dog, may appear the size of a mouse, or a normal car may look shrunk to scale. This leads to another name for the condition, Lilliput sight or Lilliputian hallucinations, named after the small people in Jonathan Swift's Gulliver's Travels. The condition is in terms of perception only; the mechanics of the eye are not affected, only the brain's interpretation of information passed from the eyes.
I'm out. Peace, yo.
1.01.2009
First post of '09
Hey, s'up? Happy 2009 to everyone.
My ass is bugging me, and I just got to work, so let's get down to business.
My New Year's Eve celebration consisted of going by myself to see Twilight last night at the 9:40p showing, and you know, that was a good enough celebration for me. How many other people can say they rang in the new year with Robert Pattinson? (Don't answer that. Let me live the dream.)
It was the new year, but I had no great plans. The farthest thing from my mind was drinking. But, I did go home and have a celebratory drink with my housemate, Tanner, and his friend, Ava. Of course, I had less than half a drink, and I woke up with a mad tummy. Great.
My only resolution is to make this a better year. Obviously, only I know what things need to be done within my life to make improvements.
I just wanted to wish the best to everyone, and although I'm no clairvoyant, I have a good feeling about this year...for everybody.
Just remind me to come back and delete this post, when I've got a noose around my neck halfway through February.
Happy 2009. &=)
My ass is bugging me, and I just got to work, so let's get down to business.
My New Year's Eve celebration consisted of going by myself to see Twilight last night at the 9:40p showing, and you know, that was a good enough celebration for me. How many other people can say they rang in the new year with Robert Pattinson? (Don't answer that. Let me live the dream.)
It was the new year, but I had no great plans. The farthest thing from my mind was drinking. But, I did go home and have a celebratory drink with my housemate, Tanner, and his friend, Ava. Of course, I had less than half a drink, and I woke up with a mad tummy. Great.
My only resolution is to make this a better year. Obviously, only I know what things need to be done within my life to make improvements.
I just wanted to wish the best to everyone, and although I'm no clairvoyant, I have a good feeling about this year...for everybody.
Just remind me to come back and delete this post, when I've got a noose around my neck halfway through February.
Happy 2009. &=)
12.22.2008
My original Sudanese inspiration
I look at this photo every night before I go to bed, and especially, when I'm in pain or think I have it bad. I think about this little girl all the time:
I want to help these people. I feel compelled, pulled. Sure, they're here, too. But, I don't want to stay here. I want to go. I want to travel. I want to help. I want to live.
I want to learn.
I want to help these people. I feel compelled, pulled. Sure, they're here, too. But, I don't want to stay here. I want to go. I want to travel. I want to help. I want to live.
I want to learn.
Yes, I still want to go.
From Boston.com:
A Kenyan boy screams as he sees kenyan policeman with a baton approach the door of his home in the Kibera slum of Nairobi 17 January 2008.
Hundreds of police who had earlier clashed with supporters of Kenya's opposition leader Raila Odinga at the entrance of the slum moved into the shantytown and did a house to house search for protestors.
(WALTER ASTRADA/AFP/Getty Images)
A Kenyan boy screams as he sees kenyan policeman with a baton approach the door of his home in the Kibera slum of Nairobi 17 January 2008.
Hundreds of police who had earlier clashed with supporters of Kenya's opposition leader Raila Odinga at the entrance of the slum moved into the shantytown and did a house to house search for protestors.
(WALTER ASTRADA/AFP/Getty Images)
12.18.2008
I started a joke, which started the whole world crying...
Okay, so there's been some shit going on at work, and apparently, someone found out that I went to belly dancing class on Thursday, one of the days I was off work, and thus, spread it around the department. So, now, everyone's pissed, and apparently, just because they found out I went, I'm the reason for the downfall and crappiness of the Radiology Department.
You know what? Yeah, I went to class. You know what else? It was after hours, and it's none of your DAMN BUSINESS what I do on my off time. You know what I did there? I took a ton of pain meds before I went. And, I sat. And, I watched. And, I took notes.
But, as my boss said, "what would you think if you found out someone did that? You must have felt well enough to go to class."
First of all, I don't CARE what these people do in the time they're not here. It's none of my business, and I don't want to know. If they tell me, fine.
Secondly, I'M NOT SICK. MY ASS HURTS. Plus, I had fucking cabin fever like you wouldn't believe. I doped my shit up, a friend took me to class, I sat stark still and observed, then I went home. I like my class, and I want to be a part of it, when I can. I didn't DO anything.
No one's ever called to check on me or sent me flowers or even a card, after I've had surgery. I take that back. A COUPLE of people have done that. You know how many fucking cards we've passed around here for everyone to sign???? Once, I got a card in the mail that said, "The Radiology Department."
WOW. I mean, don't everyone care all at once. God love her, she was the one who thought of me and went out and bought the card and signed it herself. And, I appreciate that very much. Thank you.
All the rest of the times, and Mig knows what I'm talking about, everyone thinks I'm a big liar. That I'm overly dramatic, and I'm faking it. Yes, I bought that green snot at a novelty shop. I screamed at the top of my lungs last night, so that I wouldn't have a voice the next day. I physically cracked a bat over my kneecap, so that it would break, causing me excruciating pain. My ass? It's all lies. Just because
Anyway, stay out of my fucking personal life. I don't get all up in YOUR business. If you tell someone, that's your prerogative. But, I'll never speak of MY business ever again. If you're lame enough to try to dig up some dirt on me, read it here. I don't care. You must be pretty bored to have to read this stuff anyway. Because most of you aren't friends of mine. Work friends? Riiiiiiight. These people stab each other in the back, before their backs are even turned. Yes, I've been party to it.
But, I've decided, my resolution this year will be "don't tell me - I don't want to know."
I smile just to get through the day. &=D Trust me, I don't want to be here, any more than you want me here.
It's all in the timing.........
Those of you who DO actually care about me, thank you. YOU know me, and that's all that matters. Some of you have watched me walk through the fires of hell and been there to great me on the other side. YOU are the most important people to me. What happens at work is just trite and trivial. It's all about who's getting the blame next. But, it's never the higher-up's fault. In fact, TKC is having that problem right now.
*sigh* It comes from everywhere, though. The department was falling apart, before I even HAD surgery. And, it didn't have anything to do with me. So, I'm the late one. I'm DOING something to remedy MY problem. We've got all the ones that TKC has - the late one, the bitchy one, the one who can't do anything right, the one who leaves early, the hateful one, the one who never calls....they're all over the damn hospital.
We used to work well, but I also used to give a crap. The reason I DON'T give a crap anymore, is because nothing's going to change. It's NEVER going to change. It's partially the fault of the main source, but it's also _________________'s fault. Fill in the blank. Let's compare answers, and see who each person sees as the problem.
It's not that I hate anyone. I'm just sick of everyone's crap. Hell, I'm sick of my OWN crap. It's just like being back in high school again - and I hated high school! Only, now, it's GROWN MEN & WOMEN who are involved, butting into your friggin' business!
I don't INTEND on being late. I don't ENJOY being sick. I'm certainly not CELEBRATING, when I find out I have to have surgery, or the flu, or pink eye, or a cyst, or taking one hundred thousand days off. And, if the boss doesn't write me up, then he doesn't write me up! I've TOLD him to write me up before! I've done enough shit to get fired, but you know what? SO HAS EVERYONE ELSE!
You name it: harassment, threats, being late (not only me), intentionally lying, freaking out, insubordination, "i'm not doing it," "this isn't in my job description," "i'm leaving it like i found it"..... It's pretty ridiculous. And, that's just in THIS department, alone! Down in surgery, I have NO PROBLEMS. Everyone works together. Sure, they have their favorites, and their fights, and their cliques, and their lazies.
But, I acknowledge it! I know I'll always be known as "the late one!" I'm bitchy some days, I'm quiet some days, I'm lazy some days, and I'm bouncy and happy some days - sometimes I'm just not at the top of my game. But, more than not, (and NONE of you, can deny this), I'm fine. I work. I do MY job. And, it STILL amazes me that I can get in trouble, when I've done everything I'm supposed to do. It's like they LOOK for things.
I'm just tired, okay? I'm tired of being yelled at. I'm tired of being the one in trouble. I'm tired of being the target. I'm tired of being WATCHED.
I just work. I plow through the days. Lots of times, I have off days, where I'm just not totally here. A lot of the things I've been going through have messed up my rigorous, tight sleep schedule. I'm trying REALLY HARD, to get that back. Sometimes I even have to *shudder* ASK FOR HELP. Heather's calling to wake me up. My boss used to do it, but he would forget.
*Incompleted*
You know what? Yeah, I went to class. You know what else? It was after hours, and it's none of your DAMN BUSINESS what I do on my off time. You know what I did there? I took a ton of pain meds before I went. And, I sat. And, I watched. And, I took notes.
But, as my boss said, "what would you think if you found out someone did that? You must have felt well enough to go to class."
First of all, I don't CARE what these people do in the time they're not here. It's none of my business, and I don't want to know. If they tell me, fine.
Secondly, I'M NOT SICK. MY ASS HURTS. Plus, I had fucking cabin fever like you wouldn't believe. I doped my shit up, a friend took me to class, I sat stark still and observed, then I went home. I like my class, and I want to be a part of it, when I can. I didn't DO anything.
No one's ever called to check on me or sent me flowers or even a card, after I've had surgery. I take that back. A COUPLE of people have done that. You know how many fucking cards we've passed around here for everyone to sign???? Once, I got a card in the mail that said, "The Radiology Department."
WOW. I mean, don't everyone care all at once. God love her, she was the one who thought of me and went out and bought the card and signed it herself. And, I appreciate that very much. Thank you.
All the rest of the times, and Mig knows what I'm talking about, everyone thinks I'm a big liar. That I'm overly dramatic, and I'm faking it. Yes, I bought that green snot at a novelty shop. I screamed at the top of my lungs last night, so that I wouldn't have a voice the next day. I physically cracked a bat over my kneecap, so that it would break, causing me excruciating pain. My ass? It's all lies. Just because
Anyway, stay out of my fucking personal life. I don't get all up in YOUR business. If you tell someone, that's your prerogative. But, I'll never speak of MY business ever again. If you're lame enough to try to dig up some dirt on me, read it here. I don't care. You must be pretty bored to have to read this stuff anyway. Because most of you aren't friends of mine. Work friends? Riiiiiiight. These people stab each other in the back, before their backs are even turned. Yes, I've been party to it.
But, I've decided, my resolution this year will be "don't tell me - I don't want to know."
I smile just to get through the day. &=D Trust me, I don't want to be here, any more than you want me here.
It's all in the timing.........
Those of you who DO actually care about me, thank you. YOU know me, and that's all that matters. Some of you have watched me walk through the fires of hell and been there to great me on the other side. YOU are the most important people to me. What happens at work is just trite and trivial. It's all about who's getting the blame next. But, it's never the higher-up's fault. In fact, TKC is having that problem right now.
*sigh* It comes from everywhere, though. The department was falling apart, before I even HAD surgery. And, it didn't have anything to do with me. So, I'm the late one. I'm DOING something to remedy MY problem. We've got all the ones that TKC has - the late one, the bitchy one, the one who can't do anything right, the one who leaves early, the hateful one, the one who never calls....they're all over the damn hospital.
We used to work well, but I also used to give a crap. The reason I DON'T give a crap anymore, is because nothing's going to change. It's NEVER going to change. It's partially the fault of the main source, but it's also _________________'s fault. Fill in the blank. Let's compare answers, and see who each person sees as the problem.
It's not that I hate anyone. I'm just sick of everyone's crap. Hell, I'm sick of my OWN crap. It's just like being back in high school again - and I hated high school! Only, now, it's GROWN MEN & WOMEN who are involved, butting into your friggin' business!
I don't INTEND on being late. I don't ENJOY being sick. I'm certainly not CELEBRATING, when I find out I have to have surgery, or the flu, or pink eye, or a cyst, or taking one hundred thousand days off. And, if the boss doesn't write me up, then he doesn't write me up! I've TOLD him to write me up before! I've done enough shit to get fired, but you know what? SO HAS EVERYONE ELSE!
You name it: harassment, threats, being late (not only me), intentionally lying, freaking out, insubordination, "i'm not doing it," "this isn't in my job description," "i'm leaving it like i found it"..... It's pretty ridiculous. And, that's just in THIS department, alone! Down in surgery, I have NO PROBLEMS. Everyone works together. Sure, they have their favorites, and their fights, and their cliques, and their lazies.
But, I acknowledge it! I know I'll always be known as "the late one!" I'm bitchy some days, I'm quiet some days, I'm lazy some days, and I'm bouncy and happy some days - sometimes I'm just not at the top of my game. But, more than not, (and NONE of you, can deny this), I'm fine. I work. I do MY job. And, it STILL amazes me that I can get in trouble, when I've done everything I'm supposed to do. It's like they LOOK for things.
I'm just tired, okay? I'm tired of being yelled at. I'm tired of being the one in trouble. I'm tired of being the target. I'm tired of being WATCHED.
I just work. I plow through the days. Lots of times, I have off days, where I'm just not totally here. A lot of the things I've been going through have messed up my rigorous, tight sleep schedule. I'm trying REALLY HARD, to get that back. Sometimes I even have to *shudder* ASK FOR HELP. Heather's calling to wake me up. My boss used to do it, but he would forget.
*Incompleted*
12.14.2008
ALWAYS ASK FOR LOWER APR!!!!!!! DO IT NOW!!!!!
Holy sweet Jesus! Literally! Thank you, God! &=D
I've been messing around today, cleaning and trying to get things organized, and THEN, I sat down to pay bills. (dum dum dum)
I went ahead and made a payment on one of my two credit cards still floating around out there, First Premier - $50. The minimum payment was $25, but that's with an interest rate of 19.90%, since I had botched up a long time ago and couldn't make payments. The balance on the card is only $199.98, but with that kind of interest rate.....OUCH. So, actually, the balance used to be much lower.
Then, I made a payment on the other credit card, Capital One, for $76.19, which was the minimum due at the time, since I haven't paid on this one in a while. The balance on it was..........
Oh! You know what? I'm a freaking idiot!
I just went to look to see what the balance was, and apparently, I had mistaken the balance for the minimum due, so I just paid off my Capital One card!
&=O
Wow. That actually wasn't my intention, but oh well! That's okay, because I actually do have it. I had just intended on paying a little over the minimum balance due!
Hahahaha!!!! That was great! I never would have done that in real life! But, I did! &=D
Okay, ANYWAY, what I was getting at was, after I had paid my Capital One, I decided to call and just SEE if they would lower my APR, which was 18.99% with them. When I called, they transferred me to the "APR Lowering Squad," and I talked to THE nicest credit agent I've ever talked to in my life...and believe you, me I've talked to them ALL.
I told her my situation - I'd like to lower my APR, so that I could actually get my card paid off. On her end, I guess she saw my other card and said, "do you have another card you're paying on?" I told her yes, that I had just made a payment a few minutes before I called, and I was trying to pay that one off as well. She asked what the APR was there, and when I told her, she said, "You know, we could do a transfer, and transfer that balance over to your Capital One account. Once we did that, we could lower your APR to 9.9% for three months, then afterwards, it becomes a variable rate. The last time it went up, it only went up .15%."
I was totally shocked, and I was trying really hard to mentally figure out what the catch was (which I'm assuming is only the variable interest rate, which doesn't really bother me, since my leftover balance is so low). I really couldn't think of anything, and she explained things very thoroughly, so I decided, what the hell? I've always heard of people transferring balances back and forth to various credit cards, but I'd never done it. I'm 31 - time to try something new, and as usual, hope it doesn't backfire on me!
So, I have actually paid off my Capital One (mistakenly, but yay!), then transferred my almost $200 balance TO Capital One, with a 9.9% + variable interest rate, so this is going to be a breeze to pay off.
FINALLY!
NOW, my only problem is all my medical bills and that damn apartment complex that won't leave me alone. But, that's another story.
So, everyone! Get on the horn right now and ask for lower interest rates! If you don't, you're just throwing money away!
Yes, my fanny is still broken, but I'm about to leave and go to Target, to get some things, pick up my meds at CVS, drop some bills off at the post office...and I think that's it. Then, I'll get to come home and chill, rest and read, watch tv or do some fun crafts.
And, I'm NOT using my credit card! &=P
There's so much crap I haven't posted, but want/need to. Just keep checking back. I'm going to ATTEMPT to post videos, but I really hate the face-ish part of myself, so I don't know. I wish I could just do audio! &=D But, there's also a picture blog I need to post, as all.
And, just to put everyone on high alert - if I EVER use the term "vlogging," KILL ME.
That is all.
12.06.2008
House trumps butt surgery
I was just watching House on tv, and he started to play Baba O'Riley by The Who. I forget how much I really like this song:
Out here in the fields
I farm for my meals
I get my back into my living
I don't need to fight
To prove I'm right
I don't need to be forgiven
Don't cry
Don't raise your eye
It's only teenage wasteland
Sally, take my hand
We'll travel south cross land
Put out the fire
And don't look past my shoulder
The exodus is here
The happy ones are near
Let's get together
Before we get much older
Teenage wasteland
It's only teenage wasteland
Teenage wasteland
Oh, yeah
Teenage wasteland
They're all wasted!
The best part of the show is when his boss came in and stopped the music. Once House made whatever innane, insulting statement he had, he went to restart the music, and he restarted it to Hava Nagila.
&=)
This show makes me laugh.
Out here in the fields
I farm for my meals
I get my back into my living
I don't need to fight
To prove I'm right
I don't need to be forgiven
Don't cry
Don't raise your eye
It's only teenage wasteland
Sally, take my hand
We'll travel south cross land
Put out the fire
And don't look past my shoulder
The exodus is here
The happy ones are near
Let's get together
Before we get much older
Teenage wasteland
It's only teenage wasteland
Teenage wasteland
Oh, yeah
Teenage wasteland
They're all wasted!
The best part of the show is when his boss came in and stopped the music. Once House made whatever innane, insulting statement he had, he went to restart the music, and he restarted it to Hava Nagila.
&=)
This show makes me laugh.
12.01.2008
Larry, meet Richard - Richard, Larry. Scoot over, Siegelman.
Hi, all. I've been sick with the flu. Just had the worst Thanksgiving I've had in, oh, um, nine years. I didn't even get to see my family. Anyway, I just wanted to share this:
Now, whoever this Vance-Bowie character is, I'd like to sock her right in the mouth. Like Birmingham needs to be fraught with anyMORE scandal than we have going on right now! Speaking of which, WHO'S PAYING MY SEWER BILL??!?!
Aside from that, I just wanted to share the good news! Bring on the shackles and put this man next to Richard M Scrushy, the man who's harcuts are so expensive...but what is there to cut????
Ahhh, I love a good, hot cup of justice served, early in the morning.
Mayor Larry Langford Arrested on federal charges (*the city breaks out in spontaneous song & dance*)
Monday, December 1, 2008Federal officials and the FBI have confirmed that Birmingham Mayor Larry Langford was arrested this morning and is being held at the federal courthouse on unspecified federal charges.
At this time details of the indictment are under seal and not available to the public.
According to attorney Tommy Spina, Al LaPierre, who was also part of the federal investigation headed by a special grand jury, is expected to surrender himself to federal authorities today.
It is believed that the charges are related to a US Securities and Exchange Commission lawsuit. The lawsuit claims that LaPierre and Montgomery area investment banker Bill Blount were involved in making undisclosed payments of $156,000 to Mayor Langford to help secure business from Jefferson County while Langford was serving as Jefferson County Commission president.
A press conference at the US Attorney's office is scheduled for 10am CST. Listen to 960 WERC for continuous team coverage of this breaking news story.
Deborah Vance-Bowie released this statement from the Mayor's chief of staff:
"As you know, the Mayor was detained this morning by federal authorities. We do not know the details of his detention at this time. City business will go on as usual as we are all here to do a job and we'll continue to do our jobs to ensure we deliver the best services to the taxpayers of Birmingham. This is certainly no surprise to us -- we anticipated something happening soon especially knowing Alice Martin's days in office are numbered with the swearing in of a new president in late January -- just a little over a month from now. We are glad the mayor will finally have his day in court. As members of his team, we stand behind him and look forward to the day when we can return the focus to the important issues before the city."
Now, whoever this Vance-Bowie character is, I'd like to sock her right in the mouth. Like Birmingham needs to be fraught with anyMORE scandal than we have going on right now! Speaking of which, WHO'S PAYING MY SEWER BILL??!?!
Aside from that, I just wanted to share the good news! Bring on the shackles and put this man next to Richard M Scrushy, the man who's harcuts are so expensive...but what is there to cut????
Ahhh, I love a good, hot cup of justice served, early in the morning.
11.11.2008
You're making my head hurt
Really. My head is killing me.
What isn't stressing me out?
I'm sorry. I'm trying. I really am.
But, please.
Please let me do this.
Don't push me. Don't pull on me. Let me do this. Let me be strong. Let me make it.
Because I feel like I'm seconds from collapsing........
What isn't stressing me out?
I'm sorry. I'm trying. I really am.
But, please.
Please let me do this.
Don't push me. Don't pull on me. Let me do this. Let me be strong. Let me make it.
Because I feel like I'm seconds from collapsing........
11.09.2008
Heather, why is it so cold in here?
I'm over at my Mig's house right now. I brought over all of my DISHES, to use her dishwasher. How sad is that, huh? &=D I think it's fantastic that I hate doing dishes. But, come do my dishes, and I'll do your laundry for a year. I can do some mad laundry - ask anyone!
Anyway, the internet at my house is down, since we had that flood that crashed in Justin and Ali's ceiling. We're using Tanner's 2Wire modem, which apparently means we're on dial-up...and the kind of dial-up that doesn't actually work. I can make it through 2 pages, before the damn thing shuts completely down. I'm wondering if it's maybe just my computer, since I've heard no one else complain.
Note to self: investigate internet booboos.
And, thanks to an unnamed source (thank you, unnamed source - I know who you are and that's all that matters), I now have my medicine, gas in my car, both my headlight and my brake lights replaced, cat litter, I'm going to get my license renewed tomorrow, and I was able to make it to my work dinner on Saturday night! Thank you!!!! thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!! It's been rough, but now, I think I can make it. I'll get paid this Friday, then I can work on paying tiny bills, then working my way up from there. I was doing okay for a good bit, until something happened, and I was down again.
Unfortunately, I'm not really ready to mention that "something" until I find out more about it.
I feel so serious, lately. But a lot of serious things have happened. My mind is just constantly spitting out things that I need to blog, talk about, ask someone, remember, write down, do, forget...but it never comes at the right times. Things happen daily that makes me want to blog. But, someone/thing always takes me away from that.
Fortunately - the beacon in the night - dance classes have started back. I'm so glad, and I've already started doing sit-ups! I've got so much work to do, and I practiced NONE this weekend! Well, I practice doing the basic hip shimmy singles in the grocery store or wherever, but that's really kinda hard with other people around. Otherwise, I do butt squeezes in the car (heehee), and I'm constantly doing anaerobic stuff with my abs (read, squeezing my stomach muscles and holding my breath, until right before I pass out!). But I love class nonetheless, no matter how fat my reflection is!!!! (Btw, it's huge. I think the mirror adds like up to 15lbs or something.) No worries - this is my time to get into shape, which is good, since my entire body is killing me. At least I won't feel the lactic pain once it sets in!! That will be secondary to everything else I'm feeling!!!
But, I'm okay. I'm kind of coming to terms with the pain. Doesn't really make it any easier, but I'm so good at faking the looks of sheer terror that cross my face, people just mistake it as me having a good day! &=D Whatev.
All I know is that the plan needs to hurry up. What am I saying? That's up to me! Well, anyway, if any of you know how I can get to Sudan, please let me know. Peace Corps doesn't offer that as an option, and just suck up whatever I know you're going to say to me, but I want to start with the hardcore. I want to go to the bad places. I'll go to Darfur. I don't care. I don't believe that's tempting fate. I do believe, however, that God will protect me (all atheists chuckle) and keep me safe for as long as I'm supposed to be here. Otherwise, I have some wonderful people waiting for me in the afterlife.
Assuming I "get in," now. With my behavior and antics, as of late, some people would be concerning themselves with that very thing. Please don't. Me and God talk...a lot more than you'd think. We're close. He knows me, and I'm pretty comfortable with Him. So please take comfort in the fact that the "retard" has her own soul in check.
Ahhh, but Sudan.....who would join me? Anyone? Nah. It's no one else's cup of tea. People get scared at the thought of, not only the travel, but the vision of the reality of that much poverty. Every night, I chide myself for doing nothing. You think I exaggerate? Every night, I ask God for forgiveness for being so selfish and so self-centered and so wasteful and egocentric and "American." For all that God has given me, I should be working right now to give others just the tiniest taste of those same privleges. To be with people who actually appreciate life, instead of people like me, who rue every, single day - I can see that being beneficial. And, diseases? Wars? Oppression? What about the many dangers that come with it?
I can't seem to make people understand that I'm okay with that. You may think it very selfish of me to "do this to my family," but I like to think of it the other way. I feel like I'll be representing our family and the morals and values with which we were raised and believe (maybe some of us, anyway). God or no God, people can be good and can do good things. So many people I know are living proof of that.
The vulture and the child.
I think about her every day of my life and every night before I go to bed.
I will help.
I will do what God has called me for.
Maybe someone will one day join me so we can be twice as powerful.
I may not know much of anything else,
but I know how to help.
Anyway, the internet at my house is down, since we had that flood that crashed in Justin and Ali's ceiling. We're using Tanner's 2Wire modem, which apparently means we're on dial-up...and the kind of dial-up that doesn't actually work. I can make it through 2 pages, before the damn thing shuts completely down. I'm wondering if it's maybe just my computer, since I've heard no one else complain.
Note to self: investigate internet booboos.
And, thanks to an unnamed source (thank you, unnamed source - I know who you are and that's all that matters), I now have my medicine, gas in my car, both my headlight and my brake lights replaced, cat litter, I'm going to get my license renewed tomorrow, and I was able to make it to my work dinner on Saturday night! Thank you!!!! thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!! It's been rough, but now, I think I can make it. I'll get paid this Friday, then I can work on paying tiny bills, then working my way up from there. I was doing okay for a good bit, until something happened, and I was down again.
Unfortunately, I'm not really ready to mention that "something" until I find out more about it.
I feel so serious, lately. But a lot of serious things have happened. My mind is just constantly spitting out things that I need to blog, talk about, ask someone, remember, write down, do, forget...but it never comes at the right times. Things happen daily that makes me want to blog. But, someone/thing always takes me away from that.
Fortunately - the beacon in the night - dance classes have started back. I'm so glad, and I've already started doing sit-ups! I've got so much work to do, and I practiced NONE this weekend! Well, I practice doing the basic hip shimmy singles in the grocery store or wherever, but that's really kinda hard with other people around. Otherwise, I do butt squeezes in the car (heehee), and I'm constantly doing anaerobic stuff with my abs (read, squeezing my stomach muscles and holding my breath, until right before I pass out!). But I love class nonetheless, no matter how fat my reflection is!!!! (Btw, it's huge. I think the mirror adds like up to 15lbs or something.) No worries - this is my time to get into shape, which is good, since my entire body is killing me. At least I won't feel the lactic pain once it sets in!! That will be secondary to everything else I'm feeling!!!
But, I'm okay. I'm kind of coming to terms with the pain. Doesn't really make it any easier, but I'm so good at faking the looks of sheer terror that cross my face, people just mistake it as me having a good day! &=D Whatev.
All I know is that the plan needs to hurry up. What am I saying? That's up to me! Well, anyway, if any of you know how I can get to Sudan, please let me know. Peace Corps doesn't offer that as an option, and just suck up whatever I know you're going to say to me, but I want to start with the hardcore. I want to go to the bad places. I'll go to Darfur. I don't care. I don't believe that's tempting fate. I do believe, however, that God will protect me (all atheists chuckle) and keep me safe for as long as I'm supposed to be here. Otherwise, I have some wonderful people waiting for me in the afterlife.
Assuming I "get in," now. With my behavior and antics, as of late, some people would be concerning themselves with that very thing. Please don't. Me and God talk...a lot more than you'd think. We're close. He knows me, and I'm pretty comfortable with Him. So please take comfort in the fact that the "retard" has her own soul in check.
Ahhh, but Sudan.....who would join me? Anyone? Nah. It's no one else's cup of tea. People get scared at the thought of, not only the travel, but the vision of the reality of that much poverty. Every night, I chide myself for doing nothing. You think I exaggerate? Every night, I ask God for forgiveness for being so selfish and so self-centered and so wasteful and egocentric and "American." For all that God has given me, I should be working right now to give others just the tiniest taste of those same privleges. To be with people who actually appreciate life, instead of people like me, who rue every, single day - I can see that being beneficial. And, diseases? Wars? Oppression? What about the many dangers that come with it?
I can't seem to make people understand that I'm okay with that. You may think it very selfish of me to "do this to my family," but I like to think of it the other way. I feel like I'll be representing our family and the morals and values with which we were raised and believe (maybe some of us, anyway). God or no God, people can be good and can do good things. So many people I know are living proof of that.
The vulture and the child.
I think about her every day of my life and every night before I go to bed.
I will help.
I will do what God has called me for.
Maybe someone will one day join me so we can be twice as powerful.
I may not know much of anything else,
but I know how to help.
11.06.2008
Hello, my friend, hello....
11.6.08 - 12p
Well.
This has been my most extended break as of yet.
Lots going on. Lots not going on.
As a matter of fact, I had one of my most sensational nervous breakdowns to date, just yesterday.
Let's see: I'm out of money (-$74, in fact), out of medicine, I'm being pulled in a million different directions, my house is in the worst state it's ever been - it's a literal sty (it's so bad, I can't even find my pigs), I'm in some of the most incredible amount of full-body pain I've ever experienced, as well as in the mid-stages of another pilonidal cyst (refer to first post ever) that is basically a ticking time bomb in the crack of my ass, and I'm trying desperately to get my assigned general surgeon to take care of it, and of course, this all culminates only three days from the ninth anniversary of the death of my beloved mother.
I'm sure there's more I can think of, but I don't really want to.
And, please don't tell me you're sorry (and don't send money). I'M sorry...for not keeping you updated. These are just the things that are going on in my life at this present time. And, it's just the way life is for me. As for anyone else, I'm not sure - I can only speak for my own. I'm okay with it...but not happy or satisfied, or even good.
Right this second, though, I'm sitting at work, with five minutes left on my lunch, as my neck and shoulder spasm down through my right arm, and my pillow slips out from under my rear, gravity pulling my cyst dangerously closer to touching the chair, and gritting my teeth and faking the "joy of work," trying to keep myself from the blood-curdling screams, until I can get home and collapse in tears.
You know how it is - everything all at once.
Pardon, while I relieve my coworker...
11.7.08 - 930a
As you can tell, this is why I no longer have a chance to post. I am now currently living the probably the worst day in OR history, in the respect of my cohort, Derrick, and myself. We've had one of the worst surgeons ever blessedly come back to join our ever-shrinking and already fragile family. Every day just gets worse and worse here, thanks to our main employer. I must be careful in this day and age - don't want to get sued for slander, even though it's my own personal opinion that I'm not allowed to voice.
For "they" will here you, and come after you. And, if you think "they" won't, then you've obviously never worked for "them."
But, that's not why I'm posting. I'm doing this for myself. And, for those of you who actually care. And, for those of you who just need a little entertainment, since The View is on right now, and you think if you have to hear any more squawking from that ridiculous and intolerant Elisabeth Hasselbeck, you're going to build a post on the roof of your house and wait for the apocalypse, because then, maybe after that, they will have cancelled the show...although you know they'll just come up with a spin-off.
I'm okay right now. I'm very tired. My face is very swollen from crying. My back and neck are chiding me for the years of abuse through which I've put them. (This, girls, is why I bug you about exercising, taking calcium and good posture!!!)
And, all I want is to talk to someone who understands me. *insert melodramatic sigh here* Not specifically someone who is sympathetic to the things which I'm combating. Just someone who is on that level - my level. My "alternative-Christian, computer and game geekery, environmental, humanitarian and animal rights ACTIVIST-IST (activist actually means something to me, as opposed to just sending money), living overseas to help the truly suffering of whom have been forgotten, and wants to simultaneously start a family-ish, at least able to put up with my desire to dress as I feel, whether it's provocative, crazy, jeans or just nothing-self, and is okay when I just need to cry it out and doesn't tell me to 'stop crying' " kind of level.
That's my level. That's me. Love it or abandon it. I couldn't care less, because I won't change for anyone, unless God feels it necessary to change me. I know it sounds brash, but you don't hear me harping on YOU to change, do you? And, if you do, feel free to punch me in the mouth, because apparently, I've been possessed.
Lately, though, my best friend is constantly busy, for which I don't fault her in the least - she has three children of whom demand all of her attention (I'm envious of her wonderful family). She also is having issues within her life, that I'm hoping to help guide her through, since she's already done so much for me. But, all I can do is be there for her and hug her when she cries...and laugh when she falls down (I love you, Mig)! &=)
My family is......well, they're my family, "but I love them anyway." In reality, I love them regardless, and I would never give up on them, no matter what. I have a family letter that is currently in the works. I'm not my mother, but I'm definitely not hiding behind anyone's skirts. I don't have any qualms with addressing the affairs that are going on, of which I think are irrefutable. I'm really tired of them ignoring the things that are happening, that are slowly but surely tearing us apart.
But, that will all come out in time.
As for myself, I'm making it. I rarely have a moment where I actually feel in touch with my true self. But, she's in there. I'm just having problems accessing her.
I miss her. She made me happy.
Sure, some people, friends as well as family, don't always agree with who I am and what I do. But, that's why I'm me, and you're you. We won't always agree on everything. You won't always think what I do is um, "mature." But, I don't always think what you do or say is right or appropo.
I like to consider myself as a very tolerant person, though. I'm usually good about keeping my mouth shut, as opposed to criticisizing the lifestyles of others. And, although some may believe I'm misled, I consider tolerance a Christian value. What other people do, say or believe is none of my concern. As I heard once before, if you take a hula hoop, put it over your head, and drop it to the ground, that's the area that you should be concerned about. Not that I don't believe in witnessing to others, but I would NEVER push myself onto anyone else.
Only medically.
I believe that I have enough knowledge, having worked in the hospital for a number of years, that I can "encourage" people to do things to make themselves well. But, I'm sure it also extends from the fact that I was able to do nothing for my mother, due to my ignorance.
I don't like ignorance. I believe in teaching and research and experience. There's no reason to be ignorant on any subject.
Anyway, my point is, I'm searching for someone (whom I know God will send my way, if it's within His will) who complements me. I'm looking for someone similar to whom I've had in the past, only mature. I need a man who is able to be my rock and my shelter. I will never put my complete reliance in another human being, because we all die, and I can't allow myself to feel that vulnerable and inept at life ever again.
Ahh, I go on and on so.
I need to draw this to a close, or I'll never post it. This is obviously a very raw, unformatted version, and I apologize. You know I'm usually try to add a little more pizzazz.
I'm all out of pizzazz right now.
I wish you all well, be you friend or enemy. I hope that sometimes, I can encourage people to open their minds. It's a very freeing experience. Being unbiased or observant doesn't mean you don't care. You all know I could never STOP myself from caring.
Just please give me a break. I'm 31, now. I'm adult. I'm okay. And, if I need help or advice, I promise I will ask. But, please just lay off. You won't change me - you'll only push me away.
To those of you who have stood by me, thank you. You have no idea what your friendship means to me, to know that I can always turn to you in a time of need.
Hm.
Back to work.
Well.
This has been my most extended break as of yet.
Lots going on. Lots not going on.
As a matter of fact, I had one of my most sensational nervous breakdowns to date, just yesterday.
Let's see: I'm out of money (-$74, in fact), out of medicine, I'm being pulled in a million different directions, my house is in the worst state it's ever been - it's a literal sty (it's so bad, I can't even find my pigs), I'm in some of the most incredible amount of full-body pain I've ever experienced, as well as in the mid-stages of another pilonidal cyst (refer to first post ever) that is basically a ticking time bomb in the crack of my ass, and I'm trying desperately to get my assigned general surgeon to take care of it, and of course, this all culminates only three days from the ninth anniversary of the death of my beloved mother.
I'm sure there's more I can think of, but I don't really want to.
And, please don't tell me you're sorry (and don't send money). I'M sorry...for not keeping you updated. These are just the things that are going on in my life at this present time. And, it's just the way life is for me. As for anyone else, I'm not sure - I can only speak for my own. I'm okay with it...but not happy or satisfied, or even good.
Right this second, though, I'm sitting at work, with five minutes left on my lunch, as my neck and shoulder spasm down through my right arm, and my pillow slips out from under my rear, gravity pulling my cyst dangerously closer to touching the chair, and gritting my teeth and faking the "joy of work," trying to keep myself from the blood-curdling screams, until I can get home and collapse in tears.
You know how it is - everything all at once.
Pardon, while I relieve my coworker...
11.7.08 - 930a
As you can tell, this is why I no longer have a chance to post. I am now currently living the probably the worst day in OR history, in the respect of my cohort, Derrick, and myself. We've had one of the worst surgeons ever blessedly come back to join our ever-shrinking and already fragile family. Every day just gets worse and worse here, thanks to our main employer. I must be careful in this day and age - don't want to get sued for slander, even though it's my own personal opinion that I'm not allowed to voice.
For "they" will here you, and come after you. And, if you think "they" won't, then you've obviously never worked for "them."
But, that's not why I'm posting. I'm doing this for myself. And, for those of you who actually care. And, for those of you who just need a little entertainment, since The View is on right now, and you think if you have to hear any more squawking from that ridiculous and intolerant Elisabeth Hasselbeck, you're going to build a post on the roof of your house and wait for the apocalypse, because then, maybe after that, they will have cancelled the show...although you know they'll just come up with a spin-off.
I'm okay right now. I'm very tired. My face is very swollen from crying. My back and neck are chiding me for the years of abuse through which I've put them. (This, girls, is why I bug you about exercising, taking calcium and good posture!!!)
And, all I want is to talk to someone who understands me. *insert melodramatic sigh here* Not specifically someone who is sympathetic to the things which I'm combating. Just someone who is on that level - my level. My "alternative-Christian, computer and game geekery, environmental, humanitarian and animal rights ACTIVIST-IST (activist actually means something to me, as opposed to just sending money), living overseas to help the truly suffering of whom have been forgotten, and wants to simultaneously start a family-ish, at least able to put up with my desire to dress as I feel, whether it's provocative, crazy, jeans or just nothing-self, and is okay when I just need to cry it out and doesn't tell me to 'stop crying' " kind of level.
That's my level. That's me. Love it or abandon it. I couldn't care less, because I won't change for anyone, unless God feels it necessary to change me. I know it sounds brash, but you don't hear me harping on YOU to change, do you? And, if you do, feel free to punch me in the mouth, because apparently, I've been possessed.
Lately, though, my best friend is constantly busy, for which I don't fault her in the least - she has three children of whom demand all of her attention (I'm envious of her wonderful family). She also is having issues within her life, that I'm hoping to help guide her through, since she's already done so much for me. But, all I can do is be there for her and hug her when she cries...and laugh when she falls down (I love you, Mig)! &=)
My family is......well, they're my family, "but I love them anyway." In reality, I love them regardless, and I would never give up on them, no matter what. I have a family letter that is currently in the works. I'm not my mother, but I'm definitely not hiding behind anyone's skirts. I don't have any qualms with addressing the affairs that are going on, of which I think are irrefutable. I'm really tired of them ignoring the things that are happening, that are slowly but surely tearing us apart.
But, that will all come out in time.
As for myself, I'm making it. I rarely have a moment where I actually feel in touch with my true self. But, she's in there. I'm just having problems accessing her.
I miss her. She made me happy.
Sure, some people, friends as well as family, don't always agree with who I am and what I do. But, that's why I'm me, and you're you. We won't always agree on everything. You won't always think what I do is um, "mature." But, I don't always think what you do or say is right or appropo.
I like to consider myself as a very tolerant person, though. I'm usually good about keeping my mouth shut, as opposed to criticisizing the lifestyles of others. And, although some may believe I'm misled, I consider tolerance a Christian value. What other people do, say or believe is none of my concern. As I heard once before, if you take a hula hoop, put it over your head, and drop it to the ground, that's the area that you should be concerned about. Not that I don't believe in witnessing to others, but I would NEVER push myself onto anyone else.
Only medically.
I believe that I have enough knowledge, having worked in the hospital for a number of years, that I can "encourage" people to do things to make themselves well. But, I'm sure it also extends from the fact that I was able to do nothing for my mother, due to my ignorance.
I don't like ignorance. I believe in teaching and research and experience. There's no reason to be ignorant on any subject.
Anyway, my point is, I'm searching for someone (whom I know God will send my way, if it's within His will) who complements me. I'm looking for someone similar to whom I've had in the past, only mature. I need a man who is able to be my rock and my shelter. I will never put my complete reliance in another human being, because we all die, and I can't allow myself to feel that vulnerable and inept at life ever again.
Ahh, I go on and on so.
I need to draw this to a close, or I'll never post it. This is obviously a very raw, unformatted version, and I apologize. You know I'm usually try to add a little more pizzazz.
I'm all out of pizzazz right now.
I wish you all well, be you friend or enemy. I hope that sometimes, I can encourage people to open their minds. It's a very freeing experience. Being unbiased or observant doesn't mean you don't care. You all know I could never STOP myself from caring.
Just please give me a break. I'm 31, now. I'm adult. I'm okay. And, if I need help or advice, I promise I will ask. But, please just lay off. You won't change me - you'll only push me away.
To those of you who have stood by me, thank you. You have no idea what your friendship means to me, to know that I can always turn to you in a time of need.
Hm.
Back to work.
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