Super!

mood:  grinning

Well, guessy what?

&=D

Hahaha, I love this feeling. I'm wearing "stupid grin plastered across face" face.

So, last night, about 10p, my friend Paul called me to see if I wanted to hang out, because he was about to lose his mind, hanging out at home. I balked (A LOT), because I was actually about to settle in. After not too much of a fight, I agreed and got ready.

We went to Ruby Tuesday to get some food, drinks and sit and talk. Afterwards, we walked across the road and up the hill, with the intention of going to Bailey's, but strangely enough, the doors were closed and locked, and the lights were off. (On a Saturday night? Does anyone know - are they closed for good???) So, back down the hill, and as we're passing Dave's, I look in the window - too many people.

He asks if we try Blue Monkey, since they have comfy couches (and urine-soaked carpet), but when we pull up in the parking lot, it's totally packed, with one available spot. We pull in the spot, walk down the cobblestone, and he says, "nope. Not happening." So, back up the hill to the car.

We ended up over in Lakeview, and he pulled into the first place we passed, Zak's, which USED to be OT's. It was always a grossy, seedy dive, with not a lot of reputable people. Nice to know it really hasn't changed.

Anyway, we walk in, and as Paul pays our ways, I hear a crowd and a band gearing up to play. I almost told him to get his money back, because I wasn't in the mood to hear freaking "Sweet Home Alabama" played by some loser-ass, backwoods garage band. (Actually, I'd be happy if that song had never come into existence.) But, while Paul is paying, I hear the lead singer talk, silence....and then BLAM!!!!! They tore right into the first song. It scared me so bad, I was in the process of crawling over the table, into the man's arms who was taking the money. Nice way to throw yourself at someone, butthead.

Of course, I start the old lady screaming "WTF IS THIS??? WHO IS THIS? WHY ARE THEY PLAYING????"

Well, old ladies probably don't say that, but this old lady did.

So, we walk around the divider and there are about 20 shirtless school kids (ugh, shirtless, sweaty guys - NOT my thing, btw), and two shirtless band members (that's okay, because at least they're not touching anyone). But, the first person who caught my eye was the lead singer - Yummy! &=)

We walked to the bar to get drinks and sit and listen, because there would be no more talking at this point. Actually, we ended up texting and typing back and forth, because my eardrums were in current use. Paul was making fun of me, since I couldn't keep my eyes off the lead singer. It was so weird, though, because he looked and sounded SO MUCH like Serj Tankian from System of a Down (I'm supposed to marry him, btw), whom I idolize, but not in the bad way. More in the 'he's my super-favorite person of my super-favorite band ever' way.

They played what I considered a short set, but it was about 130a or so. Paul convinced me to walk down to the stage with him, although I'm far too frail anymore to mosh - my only regret of getting old. So, I stood there and did "chickenhead," (but not the bad kind) which I hate. *peck* *peck* *peck* *peck*

After it was over, Paul reached up and asked if I could have my picture made with him. I asked about a cd, and while we were waiting to acquire one, we started talking to him about the band. We told him that we totally just walked in on them, because we had nowhere else to go and ended up really, REALLY enjoying the music (and the sites, but I would have totally killed Paul a thousand times over, had he mentioned that). He was SO totally humbled and so thankful that we liked the band. Paul said he said some more things about being a server at a restaurant and stuff like that, but I was too busy gauging my eye movements, and if you think I'm lying, please ask Paul. I was trying to time them, so I wouldn't stare too long, or look too disinterested, or whatever. Man, up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-A-B-A-B-select-start. *groan*

So, dude finally brings a cd, and I said, "um, and you're signing this, right?" He seemed surprised - "Oh! Yeah!," and as he's writing, Paul leans over and says, "And, she's going to be very upset if you don't write your phone number on there."

He stands up and looks at the two of us - me, then Paul, then me, then Paul - and he really looks like he wants to say something...SOMETHING. But, Paul interjects, "Oh, we're just friends. We've been friends for years. We're not together." Dude was like, "Woah, I was wondering what...yeah, okay," and he proceeds to lean over and WRITE HIS PHONE NUMBER ON THE CD!!!!!!!!!!

I totally punched Paul in the arm like, 'don't say that,' but I almost crapped myself WHEN HE DID. I proceeded to then act spazzier than normal - no, actually, I was okay, but I'm sure it was because I had a chaperone, someone to back me up. I asked him his name - Steve - and he asked mine - Jennifer - and he wrote it down on his hand! &=) I don't know what that meant, but it made me happy anyway! Paul took our picture (dude, I'm totally larnin' you how to take a damn photograph), and he got his band packed up to go.

So, in between decent conversation with Paul, I was stroking about 'what about this Steve thing?????' Paul had to deliver to me CRIB NOTES on how to talk to a guy. Incidentally, I have NO beef about talking to anyone - guy or girl - about anything, unless it's someone that I really like. Obviously, I don't know if I like this guy - but in my eyes, he's a <+RAWK STAR+> *jingle jingle* so of course I'm going to have problems with bodily functions and stuff.

I know this is the kind of stuff that never works out for me, but it's absolutely adorable nonetheless. It's a cute story to tell my, er, granddogs one day (?).

So, I'm supposed to wait until Tuesday to call this guy, - Steve - and I'm supposed to make it short and sweet. I'm getting tips, so anything else anyone wants to add, please let me know. Because clearly, I only know how to be myself, and that's retarded. I don't believe in lying, but I also don't want to completely frighten the poor thing. Of course, if you saw him thrashing around up on stage, you'd think not much would scare a guy like that.

Meh, we'll see.

I'll be taking pointers from now until Tuesday at 3p, so any VALUABLE info you'd like to throw at me, go ahead. I've never tried to woo a rock star (from a garage band) before, so this will be interesting and possibly fun...or very, very embarrassing, which is also cool - but then I'll never be able to go out in public again. Oh well - it's win-win for me either way, right?

Yeah...stay tuned to see how THIS turns out. I know I'm planning to.

And, just for Paul - *teehee* (that was all I could say for the rest of the night - he said he was seeing a total different side of me.)

ps. Jack's at puppy school, so I'll update about that a little later! I miss me some Anpan!!!!

TTFN

This is where I want to start

Can you imagine washing your clothes in this water? Bathing in it? Drinking it?

Think about this next time you purchase a bottle of water, take a drink, then pour the rest down the sink. These people didn't ask for this, and this could just as easily have been you and your family.

No one asks to be put in these situations or born into these poor countries. But, I do believe that based on my status in life, I owe others my help, because I can give it. As much as I whine about money and my health, I'm far better off than these people could probably ever envision.

That's why, when people nag me about raising a family "on the run," - how can I deprive my kids of all the things with which we grew up - I reply that it has everything to do with Western culture and societal ideals. Living in the very privleged, very greedy United States has imbued in us the idea that we are obligated to receive everything and more.


When in fact, we DESERVE nothing.


But we NEED so much.



Nothing that you do anymore comes without a price or some sort of repercussion. For example, you DO know that when you throw trash away, there's really no such thing as "away." But, out of sight, out of mind, right?

Well, the same stands for these people, the less fortunate. Since they're not in your direct line of vision, you seem to forget they exist. But, they don't. Every day is a new struggle, another day of wondering if you and your children will survive.


I'm not saying that everyone should drop what they're doing and travel to other countries to help (although that would be nice). But, there are always ways to help. Invest in an organization, sponsor a child, research an affiliation in whose cause you take to heart, participate in community cleanup, recycle - there are SO MANY THINGS we could do. I've just chosen to step completely outside my area of comfort and take matters into my own hands.

I know I've talked about it for years, but I really feel it closing in. And, I'm glad. I'm ready for a change.

I need a break from my own selfishness, in order to concentrate on the needs of others.

Plus, I think it will be super-fun. &=)

Postscript to...

...why I haven't been ANYWHERE on the computer:

Shark-puppy bit a (TEENY-TINY, SUPER-SHARP, BABY PUPPY TOOTH) hole in my laptop charger, so my computer at home is dead.

(It's been nice, trust me. A bit like living without a cellphone.)

Anyway, Joe's going to order me another one - just not sure when. I'm in no hurry, except that I would like to start blogging again. For those of you who don't mind stopping by to read the rantings of the "crazy girl."



I like being crazy. It makes my life more interesting.

Shark-puppy & my life

So, I'm at work right now, as I always am at this time of day.


Lots of things have happened, most not worth mentioning.



Most noteworthy - I have a puppy, now. His name is Jackson - Anpan Jackson _fill-in-the-blank_ Braxton, to be exact. The blank is for whatever he's doing at the moment. He's an AmStaff (that's safety-speak for PIT BULL), and he's my baby! We had to visit the pet doc yesterday, because he was having a problem eating. Turns out, he has coccidia (coccidiosis), tiny protozoans that are living in his intestines, making him have diareenies and little to no appetite.

So, he got a BIG ampicillin shot (he cried!), and he gets to eat yogurt yesterday and today, which it turns out he really likes! He's on two antibiotics, and she said he should start to gain weight in no time. He's such a skinny cage of bones! She started laughing when I said I could see his "dog pelvis."

But, he's my sweet baby. He's going to go back to Ralph Gibson in Pelham for training, but he needs to get over this first. Phil and I took Jezzabelle to Ralph, and she was a much better behaved dog for it, so I'm really excited. He's already such a good boy, he needs very little improvement!*

*Except for when he likes to play "shark face." He opens his mouth really wide and waves his head around, trying to play-bite me. I tell him no, because he's a puppy and not a shark.


Aside from that, not much is going on.

My cousin Bob, his wife Alice and their baby Olive came to visit last weekend, so that was a lot of fun. I just wish we all could have spent more time together. It's hard when people live so far away.

I'm back in touch with my friend, Joseph, with whom I haven't spoken in close to six years, so it's been nice to talk to him. He lives close to Silicon Valley and is working for a gaming company. He's really busy, though, trying to move up through the ranks.

Thankfully, my job offers none of that.

I'm on ninety-day probation, for being late and call-ins. Who knows - maybe me getting fired will be the best thing to happen to me! If it wasn't so immediately and pressingly expensive, I'd totally be up for a move RIGHT NOW! But, I have to think of MY family, which is now my two girls and Jack.

Still, I'd like to pursue that Living Waters for the World program. Right now, I think I'm just wasting time, kicking my feet around, hoping something good will happen. I need to stop screwing around and do something, that's for sure.


I don't know what my life holds, but I know I'm ready for anything right now. I'm more confident and alive than I've been in years. I'm sick of being trapped by old memories and difficult and wrong decisions that I made so long ago.

Forward is good.

...unless you're in a car, careening over the ledge of a mountain. In that case, just pray for wings! &=)

Cut your nose off to spite your face.

And, here's the new one:

Your a complete nut, and someone should have you committed before you seriously hurt someone. Your lucky I asked the cop not to arrest your crazy ass. Figures your crazy ass has to find a new guy to fuck with and spread your crazy to instead of figuring your own fucked up self. Let me know who he is so I an let him know how you treat people and how you treat children you psychotic manic depressive fuck. Your lucky I don't drop domino off at a kill shelter just to spite you. Don't ever come near my home or any home I live in again or I will have you arrested on site. You are not welcome on any home/apartment to which I apply a payment and should I see you I will treat it as your attempt to cause me or my family harm and I will treat you as such you crazy bitch. You are the hideous plagues that is infecting what could be a good and happy world. Thanks to you people all around you are living slightly unhappier lives then they deserve and they will never truly be happy until you are out of the picture. Even though I know you wont i hope you take this to hear. You truly are disturbed.

Comments, anyone?

I've been wasting time

I just deleted ALL of my online dating accounts.

If anyone sees me on a dating site, please let me know - I'm not supposed to be there.

Time to get real.

Nice to meet you...again.

I'm getting ready to go see the Vast show at Zydeco, with my buddy Cory.

I can't help but regret that I'm missing a party that I'd really rather be at.  But, I promised Cory long before the party came up.

The other day, when I went to get my stuff, it went about as horribly as it could have (which explained my ending up in the ER with chest pains the day before).  He wouldn't let me have my cat, and he pushed me out the door (I actually hurt my elbow) and wouldn't let me get the rest of my stuff.  Then, he tried to get the cops involved - like that would have any sort of effect on me.  Some off-duty asshole getting involved.  If  Chris wasn't such a fucking self-righteous redneck, none of this would have happened.

Thankfully, though, I had my friend Landon with me.  I'm so glad he was with me, or I assume I could have gotten into some real trouble.  Everyone - and I mean EVERYONE - advised me not to go alone.  I'm really glad I didn't.  Thank you, Landon.  I'm sorry you had to witness that.

With Chris, though, it's not even about the cat.  It's all about him being right...and abusive.  So, I guess I should have seen that coming.

Anyway, it's over.  I just hope sweet Domino survives.  I hate that I left him in that environment.  I'm sorry, Domino.  I still love you, and I'm sorry for what I've done to you.  You deserved so much better.

So, the incident is over, thank God.  It's past time to move on.  As usual, I made a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad mistake, but there's nothing I can do about it now.

As for the aftermath...&=)

I went to hang out at Landon's place afterwards - just a touch of normalcy after the psychotic episode.  Cliff came home from work, and we got to sit around and chill for a while.  It was so nice.  I got to meet Landon's new girlfriend, Kassie - she's nice.  Then, they invited me to their party tonight, but I already had plans.

I got to meet someone, though.  It was someone I never got to know.  And, you know what?  He's a fantastic person.  I hope to learn a whole lot more about him in the future.  The past few years of his life haven't been the best, to which I can completely relate.  And, he's so sweet and tender, which is a definite change...a positive change!  It's been so long since I've been able to be around someone who enjoys being gentle.

Nothing happened - it was just...pleasant.  And, it was so comforting to be with someone with whom I felt safe.  Now, THAT has been something I haven't felt in years.  Safety.

Time is key, though.  The slower, the better.

More time to enjoy.

Let's just hope this works out.

Even if it doesn't, I've been in the most sensational mood all week.  It's nice to have a goofy grin plastered on your face, instead of a scowl.

Left behind...thank God.

Incidentally, just to prove why I'm glad I'm not going to Huntsville, here's a letter to demonstrate what I'm leaving behind there:

I have no intention of beleiving in your lies ever again. And I wont allow myself to be subject to your mood swings. I dont expect you to apologize or anythign else for that matter. If you understood why you do thew things you do then you wouldnt have done them. Yes, I am bitter. I have a right to be and I will be. I would have done anythign you asked if only you could have treated me right and you couldnt. You were too busy being hormonal, between meds, injured, or just plain bitchy and tired for no other reason than because you were tired. I hope there is somsoen that can be with you for all of you versions of  you and I hope that you are happy. There was evena time where I would have done anythign to help you be happy even at my own expence. I never wanted to love anyone again and youve reminded me why. Thank you.

For the record, I don't know most of what he's talking about.  This guy likes to fight just to fight.  And, you all know I'm a lover, not a fighter.

By the way, this is the guy who left me hanging any time I had a depressive episode - apparently, it cramped his style.

I know, I know - moving up there?  What the hell was I thinking?  Yeah, we all have those moments, right?

So, anyway, ummmm.....thoughts?

Where to start...where to end

So, I'm not going to Huntsville.

Everything kind of fell apart, but I can't admit that I'm not partially relieved.  I just got an email from Dave, saying that he has a patient who's going to Kenya in September to set up a water purification system.

*silence*

This is it.  This is what's supposed to happen.  There's a training center in Mississippi, so I may be moving after all.

I didn't know where to start, but I just let God help me stand, and He's leading me.  I'm almost beside myself with anticipation.

I know I haven't really been very communicative about what I've wanted from my traveling, but this is it.  The fact that people live and die on this earth, without ever tasting clean, fresh water, while we take a couple of sips from a bottle of water and throw it away - it's almost too much for me to bear. (Yes, and to keep myself from beating the crap out of someone for it.)

So, first, this.  Then, Kenya.  Then, Sudan?  Who knows?  I'm hoping that this will open some serious doors for me.  Because THIS is what I want to do.  I don't want to work in xray.  I don't mind the healthcare aspect, and I wouldn't mind taking xrays somewhere else.  But, I want to do THIS.  I want to help those who can't help themselves.  And, I don't want to do it in the comfort of my junky apartment, in Birmingham, Alabama, in the United States.  I want to venture out into other cultures, into war-torn countries.  I want to see my Bosnian friends.  I want to learn other languages.  I want to communicate with them.  I want to stand side-by-side with others, fighting against their oppressors.  I want to be a vessel of the Lord, bringing relief to others.

And, I don't even care about getting paid.

I just want to know that I can do this for the rest of my life, comfortably, so that others don't have to worry about having a meal or rest or medicine.  What have these people done for me?

Why?  Why does it have to be for gain?  Why is it always tit for tat?  Is greed that prevalent that you can't give consideration to the LIVES OF OTHERS???

Meh, don't get me started.  I've been getting ramped up on some serious soapbox issues tonight (eg. why don't you actually tell the people you love that you love them, instead of letting it go unsaid?  is it that hard to verbalize?  does it super-weeniefy you if you say it out loud?  really?  you need help.), so I should probably stop here, since it's so late.

I'm really excited.  &=)

I'm actually pretty speechless.  This is almost too good to be true.  This is why I was supposed to stay here.

http://www.livingwatersfortheworld.org/

I don't care your faith - just keep me in your thoughts, your meditations, your prayers, whatever.  This is really important to me, and I'd really like to get the ball rolling.

I love you guys. &=)  (see, I said it &=P)

We'll talk more, soon...

Ps. Thank you, Dave.  You'll always be my brother in Christ.  I'm so thankful to have you as a part of my life.

I had no idea you were so fertile!

My wonderful, beautiful friend Holly is pregnant, again! This is number 5!!!!

Congratulations, angel! I'm so very happy for you!

Maybe now you guys should think about getting a television or investing in another hobby! &=D

Ps. All those kids better be enrolled in clogging by the time the new baby turns one! You're wasting precious teaching time! Heck, after this one, you can make your own team! The Hudson Conglomerate! I hear Yellow Rose calling!!!!

Love you, girl!

Happy birthdays!

Oh, hey! I'm in a good mood today, and I'm not sure why! Also, no one has put me in a bad mood yet!

Also, today is my Baby B's birthday! He's nine today!!!! And, I don't want him to get any older!

Goosie turned 14 on the 13th, as did my friend Laura. Wait, Laura isn't 14. She's 32 - WOAH MY GOD! WE'RE 32 THIS YEAR!!!!! WTF IS GOING ON??!?!

Ugh, I hate getting older. Sometimes I just wish things would stay, you know?

Anyway, happy birthdays and belated birthdays to all my beloved angels! I love you guys SOOOOOO much, and I'm so very thankful to God every, single day for letting me be a part of your lives!!!!!!!

Braxton, we're going to have to figure something out for your birthday.

Goosie, I MIGHT have a surprise for you, if you're good and help your mom out around the house!

And, Laura - hell, we just need to go out! WHEN ARE YOU COMING HERE?????

I love you guys! I typed guts, actually! I love all of your guts, too! I love being in a good mood!!!!

I LOVE EVERYBODY!!!! Hugs and kisses all around!

&=)

Unsure, but not so.

Hmm....


Things are better.

But, they're different.

Hopefully, soon, they're going to be really, really different, but not in the way I had originally thought.


Well, we'll see.

The only good thing about today is that I get to leave work at 2p, for my dentist appointment. Well, this one I'm getting another TMJ splint. I had my teeth cleaned two days ago.


Anyway, I'll try to update this afternoon. Don't hold me to anything though...ever.

Hey, you! Don't have diabetes!

I threw up when I got to work this morning. No surprise, though, because I didn't sleep at all last night - just listened to the storm and tried to figure things out.

Waiting to hear back from doc, whether he can see me today or not. My message was pretty pitiful and crybaby-ish. I hate being a crybaby. I hate crying. I hate being sad at all. Or angry, or mad, or any of that. They're sucky emotions, and they cause you to hurt people.

But, no one really cares right now. I'm just making it all up. Surprise! These past ten years were all a guise! I'm not REALLY a victim of this so-called "chronic depression," that psychs obviously made up to get your money.

It doesn't matter so much that I have my good days - what matters is that I'm a horrid bitch when I have my bad ones. Yeah - I got all that. Well, I don't really need people who aren't going to listen to me, especially when I'm trying to explain myself and my frustration. Guess what? Me talk no good when my mess up like dis, hokay? Sometimes me get confused and say wrong thing.

I'VE DISCOVERED THE PROBLEM.

I STILL HAVE THE PROBLEM.

I'M MAKING STEPS TO CORRECT THE PROBLEM.

Does anyone give a damn? Not a bit.

But, everyone gets tired of "your shit" after a while. I can't say I blame them. But, you know what? I'm still me, no matter what happens. Even though I go through this, I'm still me. And, when I'm me, I STILL HAVE THIS.

I just REVEL in being depressed and singing my sorrows. You'd think, right? Yeah. No, I don't.

Think it's all about me? Right now, you're fucking right it is. My main concern is getting out of this hole. It's REALLY, REALLY frustrating getting pushed back in. Just when I think I've come leaps and bounds, SOMEthing has to happen. And, I fight so hard. I know few people believe me or even care, but if this was the one thing that stood between you and being the person you know you're supposed to be, you'd get a tad upset, too. I'm sorry - or so I assume.

I rarely ask for help. I'm not even asking for help, now. I can do this - completely on my own. Just ONCE, though, I'd like to find someone who is stronger than me, someone who knows me for ME, can help me, can recognize the signs, even before I can, someone who cares about ME, no matter how many bad days I have, who can find the gall and the patience to stand by my side, even when I AM at my very worst.

But, I won't put myself on anyone. I refuse to be a burden to anyone else. And, those of you who have had it, see ya. Sorry it didn't work out, but I'm always going to be me. And, I MIGHT sink into another depression. And, it's not going to be convenient for ANYONE. BUT IT'S PART OF MY MAKEUP.

EVERY, SINGLE PERSON IN MY FAMILY HAS BEEN ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. IT'S IN MY GENETICS. I ACTUALLY HAVE A PROPENSITY FOR BECOMING DEPRESSED. I DON'T BE THIS WAY BECAUSE I "WANT TO!"


Nevermind. It doesn't make any sense to someone who doesn't experience chronic depression. Because once you're out of it, it's hard to even imagine becoming that way again. One time, I felt that. But, here I am. Depressed AND alone (um, in my head).


Hey, what doesn't kill us makes us crazier, right?

My apologies to EVERYONE I've ever hurt - here is part of my everlasting penance.

Okay, so today was my third wreck in three consecutive days. First, I side-swiped my housemate, Justin's car. Not much damage.

Second, I rear-ended a lady going south on Hwy 31. Traffic had stopped abruptly, I wasn't paying attention, and my brakes are crap, and I skidded right into her.

This morning, I was late to work, and as I was turning into the parking deck, a lady passed me, and I didn't see the car behind her. Once again, if my brakes had been working, I wouldn't have hit her. Anyway, I plowed right into her head-on, but it was just the left sides of our bumpers that were damaged. I take that back - HERS was crushed. Mine was fine. And, she was cursing me, and all I could do was cry. So, I'm pretty sure she's going to sue me.

I can't remember what I said about this being the year that everything comes together. I must have meant everyone BUT me. Which is fine. I'm glad others are doing well. Honestly. I don't like to see other people suffering.

Except my Migs and me are fighting. I wish I knew why. Basically, everyone's mad at me for being depressed and being only about myself. I don't know what to say, except that I can't help it. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist I can't afford on Monday. All I can do is get help. I haven't realized that I was getting back into my depression, until I actually sat down and really thought about why I've been fighting with everyone. I've been so angry and bitter and I can't seem to find any peace within me. I seem peaceful and quiet on the outside, but inside, I'd really just like to beat someone's ass.

What else can I say? I'm not blaming anyone. I know this is all me. IT'S NO ONE'S FAULT BUT MY OWN. Okay? I'm not even blaming my depression, but you know, it IS sorta what's causing me to go downhill. So, I'd really appreciate it if everyone would give me a fucking break right now. No, no one's died. I haven't lost my job. Nothing major has happened in my life. I get it, okay? I haven't been myself for a while.


Just fucking give it a rest, already. I'm working on it.

Jittery brain

Here I am, back at work.

Not much has changed, but by the same token, everything has. This hospital is going down faster than my body on the weekend.

Right now, though, for some reason, I am trembling from head to toe. It's not grossly obvious. But, the way my body is behaving, I feel as though I'm in the early stages of a panic attack. It goes no farther than that. I'm not really stressed, unless this is like that psychosomatic Children's thing.

Back in 2002, when I worked at Children's (I think I've mentioned this once already), whenever I would get to work, go down the elevator to the parking deck, get outside and lay eyes on the building, I would burst into a bitter, cold sweat, the taste of metal filling my mouth, and my head would begin to pound, until the time I finally clocked out of work.

Little did I know, these were "WARNING SIGNS," my body or God, one, telling me to GET OUT. Unfortunately, the irreparable damage had already been done, by the time I got the message - to both me, and to others.

Sadly, those are the same incidents which keep me awake at night, pondering who I was at that point in my life. Those times were some of my greatest self-discovery and my most tragic self-defeat. That era in my life is when everything completely went to shit. It wasn't enough that I'd lost my mother, so I ran away my best friend. I was in and out of a stupor, drinking and doing drugs, then finally landed in rehab after expressing desire to end my own life.

Little did I know, that feeling would be very close to me - my breath of fresh air, when I felt so stifled by everything else in my life. No, I don't WANT to die. I just want to stop hurting. I need to be in control of something in my life.

Which is why I cut.

I haven't done it in a long, long time, but stress has been high, and the feelings have been strong, tagging along in my shadows, in my subconscious. I feel the draw towards any jagged piece of glass, to place it on my pronated forearm and just dig. It's control. I NEED to be in control of SOMETHING in my life. I can't control the economy, I can't control the emotions of others, I can't control the horrible things that happen in and outside of work, I can't control life or death - but I need SOMETHING. When it gets to that point, I'm really just grasping at air.

I have a very dear friend who wrote a wonderful piece about her struggles, so I figured I could share mine...as a fellow addict. It's the only thing we have. It's so hard - we feel so much differently than everyone else. And, people say we're "weak" or "sick," but we've just found a way to cope with our heartache in a way that (usually) doesn't involve screaming matches or road rage or lashing out at anyone. Mine, does, sometimes - but I will forever be a work in progress. I will always be completely unhappy with myself. I will always know that I was so much stronger, that I could have withstood so much more, that I could have spent less time at home or sleeping or on the computer or at a job I hated, and more time helping others.

I could have been better.

That's what I want on my headstone.

We should always strive to be better.

Just so you know, I'm still pushing. I get really, really tired - a lot lately. I feel as though I've become Sisyphus, from Greek mythology (as well ruled by Hades), pushing that huge boulder up the mountain and being forced to watch it roll down, to only repeat the action over and over, which, by Einstein's standards, was the definition of "insanity."


I really think I'm just going to focus on getting through the shakes right now.

Life sucks, part abillion

I'd like to blog right now, but I can't. Too many people read my stuff now. Or nitpick through it for hints.

Here's a hint:

Leave me alone.

Not so much a hint as a direct command.

It sucks to be too broke to afford your own medicine. It sucks to not be able to function like a normal human being without certain (prescribed) drugs in your system. But, I'm supposed to tell myself that it's just like any other part of my body being sick. I have to give it medicine, until it's better.

I don't want to be sick, though. And, I'll never be BETTER. If I wasn't so worried about my "state of mind," I would have already been gone from here. And, that's all I want, to be honest. I want to be out of here. I want to be gone. I want to be helping the people I'm supposed to be helping. I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be here. I'm not happy here.

Why is this so hard?

There are so many things that act as no more than slight distractions from time to time.

Blah, blah, blah, blah...

Isn't that what it all ends up sounding like?

Wish I had something good to report. Thankfully, everything is about the same as it ever was. Unfortunately, I have to return to work tomorrow, after a two-week hiatus.

I feel so...stifled. It feels like someone is standing on my neck.

Metaphorically? I don't really know.

I'm just going to lay here until something comes to me...or until I pass out. Or should I just hold my breath?

Proper comedic timing. That's what I need.

And a hell of a lot of Diprivan and Valium.

Stay to the right

Okay, lots going on, as usual. Can't post any details right now, because apparently people READ this stuff and try to pull out tiny, little details to make up great, big stories.

People. Seriously. Just read it and keep it to yourselves. Am I THAT interesting???

Not by a long shot.

Not lately anyway.

Think of this as a mystery. Let ME do the speculating FOR you. It's funner that way.

Right this second, I'm seriously nauseated from this pukey-sinusey-migraine thing that I've got going on. Been a long time since I've had a barf headache. And, I mean the regular kind - not the drunk kind. I haven't had a drink in I actually can't remember how long. Good for my stomach - not so good for my post-work psyche. (Psycho? Whatev. It's all the same.)

Major changes going on. Not all of them are good.

S

o

m

e

a

r

e

.

We'll see.

Ugh, bathroom - brb.

Nope. False alarm.

I'm getting ready to read Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chödrön.

I'm losing it. I'm losing myself. I'm losing it in work. I've even lost it in my daily life. I can't find who I am anymore. I AM compassionate! But, why has it all of a sudden fallen away? Why does it seem like the world (as in the people in it) seek only to destroy you; disassemble you until there's nothing left but the ragged, empty pieces of what could have been a great life?

How do you end up drained, staring at a television for the rest of your life, rotting away? How does it happen? Why? You can be so much more. You can do so much better. You can do whatever you like.

So, do it.

I can't STAND grappling with my BEING. I hate it. How dare you try to change me!??! You have NO RIGHT to talk down to me and be hateful to me! I refuse to put up with it anymore!

But, that's my problem - I get so frustrated, but nothing will change.

Well, things WILL change, because I will change them.

I've lost all desire to help ... to be a "team player" ... to work ... to care.

It scares the shit out of me. &=( I don't like it at all.

But, I'll get it back. I WILL leave here and become a part of what the real world expects of me. I will follow through with what I feel God is leading me to do. (Don't believe in God? That's okay - you can feel sorry for me when I'm dead.)

You won't pull me down to your miserable level. Not for long.

Because I'll see you at the end of this life, my face lined with the years.

Only my memories will be happy.

My life will be full.

Have you ever wondered:  what should your life reflect?

Oh, for the love of post

I know. I have a lot of explaining to do.

Right now, I'm considering quitting Highlands and moving up to Huntsville with Chris. Also, I'm going to start taking short "mission trips" with a buddy of mine, to third world countries. I'm not sure where we'll start, but I know we're going to El Salvador next year.



Like I said...there's a lot going on that I have to explain.

Just not right now.



I'M still having a hard time letting it sink in.




But, what of my beloved family?

They're still the people I love more than anything in the universe.


And, my Mig?

She's still the most wonderful person I've ever met, and will ever meet, in the whole of my existence.


I just can't keep putting everything on hold. I'm so tired of the same thing. You know how I am. The fact that I'll be turning four at Highlands in March is HUGE for me. I love working in medicine, but it's stunting my drive for everything. My desire for things are so desperately waning, I feel as though, at times, I'm hardly alive. It's really beginning to scare me.

My life wasn't meant to revolve around money. I was built for love and caring - not bills and deadlines. I'm not saying that I deserve any different than anyone else. I only know what feels right to me. And, grinding myself to the bone, day after day, for not even so much as a pat on the back - I may as well be working for nothing.

I'd rather work for a true nothing and know that at the end of the day, I've made a difference in at least one person's life...and I don't mean by poisoning them with radiation.



God, if You'll just point me in the right direction, I'll walk with eyes closed.




I cannot believe that the purpose of life is (merely) to be "happy." I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be honorable, to be compassionate. It is, above all, to matter: to have it make some difference that you have lived at all.
-- Leo Rosten

gO

Happy inaguration day, President O.

May God bless this to be better than the last eight years.

There are at least a few of us who'd like to see things change.

Michael Jackson, HIStory? Psh.

THIS is history.

Oh, holy kitties

The ONE gift I wrapped this Christmas (not counting all the wrapping I did for Amy), this is exactly how it went:


Both Jammy & Booboo wouldn't stay off the paper...or wouldn't stop playing with it, or eating it, or pulling the tape dispenser away.


Maybe this is actually why I don't give presents. Hmm....

This one is also fairly accurate: