audition piece

i started thinking, and i realized that if i intend to go through with this acting thingie, i'll have to have an audition piece prepared. so i found the screenplay to "sense & sensibility" by jane austin, and i'm using a part from it.

back when i was in junior college, i had to do a dramatic reading in speech class, and i loved the part in that movie where elinor & marianne are arguing about elinor's missive behavior towards someone she so obviously cares for. marianne taunts and presses her on the issue, and elinor finally explodes and tells her everything that's been weighing on her mind. emma thompson plays elinor, and her passion in the part is just so powerful and emotional, it's one of the pieces that inspires me. so, when i was in school, i thought i'd do that part, and i had it all typed out and nice-looking but had made it to class without it! so, i got up there and explained to the professor what had happened, but i went on and did it, without missing a beat. after i got done, i looked up, and the professor's mouth was hanging open, and one of the kids up front spoke up and said, "you just did that from memory?"

my teacher later told me that i needed to get the hell out of art and go directly into acting. needless to say, i never did, and i've always regretted it.

i have to say, that's the ONE BRIEF MOMENT in my life that i was proud of myself. no, really. i can't believe i was able to get my fat head through the doorframe.

this guy...

somewhere, somehow, this guy has an uplink to my brain/heart (not that difference much matters), and he's drawing the things that i don't know how...

http://xkcd.com/c104.html

this is straight out of my head...i mean, heart.

thanks, guy. makes me feel not quite so...misunderstood and alone.

good comics...for me, not you

http://xkcd.com/c75.html
woah, i am SO glad that i'm not the only person to whom this happens. this is the reason that i'll never find a good, stable relationship....among many, many other things.

i'm playing the part of the guy in this one.

http://xkcd.com/c46.html
also, this one is my favorite...ever.

and i don't know why they're not showing up, but i'll research this later...when i FEEL like it.

*the star*

tiny post.
i know, i always say that, and it's always longer than necessary, because i'm a talker.

but, first thing's first:
i got a new baby! here's her pic:
her don't gots a lil name, yet! but i'm working on it. i was looking through some greek names, but i'll post on that later. otherwise, anyone come up with anything smart and unusual, lemme know. she was stray, and even though you can't tell by the pic, she's not much bigger than the palm of my hand. and she doesn't even have a meow, yet - she just squeaks! as loud and as hard as she possibly can! she's adorable, and she's the BIGGEST LOVER! she purrs and climbs all over me. but, omg, booboo hates her. i keep trying to assure her that the new kitty is actually for HER, not me, but she's not buying it...yet.

ok, so next, i just back from b&n, spending my birthday gift card - THANK YOU, DAVE! &=) and i got some old school stuff:

cs lewis - the magician's nephew (already read it, but it's a BEAUTIFULLY written book)
cs lewis - the lion, the witch & the wardrobe (haven't read it, yet)
roald dahl - charlie & the chocolate factory (i hear it's MUCH different & darker than the kid-friendly movie)
lewis carroll - alice's adventures in wonderland & through the looking glass (i've only recently started hankering to read this)
piers anthony - with a tangled skein (3rd in this series - i liked the 2nd and LOVED the 1st)
upton sinclair - the jungle (i've been dying to read this for about 2 years, but have, for some reason, never picked it up)

so, i'm really excited about my books. i'm still diligently working on atlas shrugged - ayn rand, but i have to put it down and walk away every so often. so, maybe these will provide a much-needed brain break from that. it's apparently deeper than i was ready for right now. i still have a lot on my mind.

and finally....(drum-roll, please)...i have an audition coming up on nov 2! it's for a movie called "interplanetary," and it's by the same guy who did "hide & creep," which won some things at the sidewalk film festival a couple of years ago. i'm really, really excited! i know you can't read my swirling thoughts and upset tummy through all this, but i assure you, it's there! i went to see a play "veronica's room," written by ira levin, (who also did "rosemary's baby") this weekend, and it sparked back up my interest in getting in to acting. so he talked to his friend, who was actually in the play, and he told me where to start doing some research. so when i started today, i ran across this site that gives you these various open casting calls in the birmingham area. i emailed one of the guys, and he em'd me back, and was like, "can you come nov 2, 5-8p @ workplay?" i was like, "HO-LY CRAP!"
so, i'm REEEEEEEEALLY excited, even if this gets me nothing. i can say i friggin did it! and if i DO get something, then you all have to come see me, in my starring role....as the rock! no, not THAT one! the OTHER one! no, in the background! SEE? see my foot??!? that's MY FOOT!!!! that was me! no, i don't have any speaking parts, now that you mention it. no, that was it - i'm only on for those 3.5 sec......BUT WASN'T I GREAT?!?!? &=)
i know that's how it will turn out, but i figure, hell, if SOME of these people can get into the biz, then i sure as heck can do a lot better than them! that's what we call it, those of us in showbusiness - we call it "the biz". just so you're up on the vernacular. i'd hate for any of you to seem moronic & uncultured. i mean, if you're going to DRESS like that, then you might as well stay home. why do you always DO this to me??! make me look like a fool, in front of all my "friends"?

hahaha, just kidding! i'd never make it as a big-timer! "i said i wanted thirty-SEVEN slightly chilled evian waters, each with their own embroidered coozie! my assistant said she only counted thirty-FIVE! what do i pay you people for? so I can do all the work??? and i wanted an asian-american to do my 330p massage! german americans are TOO ROUGH!" ha! i'd probably get in trouble for talking to all the "little people". i could never hack it in "the biz". reading other peoples' riders always makes me laugh, to see all the ridiculous things they request! pick out your own damn red m&m's! but the people who agree to it are even ridiculouser for doing it! (i made that word up, "ridiculouser"...but i don't need to tell you that, right?)

see? there i go, yammering on, when there's sleep to get. oh yeah, and i have to check on the baby girl. so, i'm sure i'll post again before then, but everyone wish me luck! (about the audition, not checking on the kitty) i'm SOOOOO excited! oh man, my tummy is really rolling. this is gonna be a looooong week.

*hugs* &=)

no longer a trinity surgery virgin!

i'm sitting up here in the surgery department at trinity (my second job), and it's my first time to come up here - i'm really excited, in case you needed more proof that i'm a goob. actually, i've been up here before, but just walking through. this will be my first time to do a case. i'd much rather be up here, getting screamed at by docs than downstairs doing diagnostic. i friggin hate that. this is totally my thing. and especially if i get to do trauma work, that's the best. i don't really even mind doing trauma xrays, but i freaking HATE doing a kub on someone with abdomen pains or a wrist on a lady with a $10k tennis bracelet, because she slipped at the garden club meeting and twisted her wrist. that kind of boring stuff makes me want to go out of my mind. i want to see blood and have to put body parts back on the cassette to xray. i know that's kind of morbid (or a LOT morbid), but that's what keeps me going, is that heart-racing rhythm and non-predictability of trauma work. i know it would wear me out, but it's just so fascinating to me.

i remember my first trauma i ever went to xray (and i know the minute i start this story, they're going to call) - it was this older lady who was in a car wreck. i was all hyped up and goading the other students i was rotating with that "i'm getting to do the first trauma! na na na na!" i was all excited and stuff, so me and my teacher went to the ER, and when we walked through the door, that lady was laying flat on her back, already intubated, and her left hip was bent out to the side. but it was bent out so far that it was hanging off the stretcher, and her KNEECAP was pointing at the ground. i froze in the doorway and just stood there. finally, my teacher turned around and said, "omg, are you about to pass out? sit down!," and pushed me back on the stretcher that was behind me. i seriously felt like i was either going to throw up or faint...or both.

oops, what did i just say - duty calls! see ya, bitches! &=D

awight

ok, one more - just because this one made me laugh when i didn't feel like it - then i'm done...










i'm going to bed.

awwiiiiight....

not to think

just another fun thing to know about me - this is almost exactly how my job interview with healthsouth went.

after i left the room, i hadn't even made it to the stairs when i burst into tears. in march, i will have been there for 2 years. the only other job i had that lasted longer (no, the news-aggie doesn't count) was at arby's for about 2.5 years.

yeah, i'm just...wasting time. there are things that i should be doing. but, i'm not. here's one that gordon sent me, that expresses one of my previous posts nicely:

that's from xkcd.com, just so we're propping the right people. i hate when people don't give credit where credit is due.

this one is a comic that i've been looking for for a really long time. it's called cyanide & happiness, and i found it on explosm.net...and, for me, it all started with this one:

now, i realize that some (or all) of you might not have the same sense of humor as me. and that's ok. because i heard that intelligence is directly related to how nice your teeth are, and since i have the best teeth ever, i win.

just kidding. i know if i ever have kids, they'll have flippers for hands and rocks for heads. i mean, i've had enough radiation - cause i DO that, you know.

i actually have a ton of cool, gross x-ray pics. yeah. they're on my OTHER hard drive. the one that's busted. and is gonna cost round abouts $900. so, we're saving up for that one. i think i have about $3.27 in my change cup, so this is gonna take a while.

here's some more pics i liked. in case you haven't noticed, i dig saving pics that i love. damn, are you guys gonna be bored for the next few posts...:

you know what they say - once a drinker, always a drinker.

i love otters, btw. they're my favorite animals aside from cats. i have a few baby ott pics - i'm working on building my collection. i have this awesome photo that i shot of a river otter in new orleans. it's one of the coolest pics i've ever taken, and i have it matted, framed, and hanging in my hallway.

man, this thing is being KRAB-BY. there are some pics it will upload and some, it's just like, "nah, i don't FEEL like using that one." i'm purty sure this thing doesn't have a max. well, but it is MY blog, so who knows. it's probably cursing everyone who reads it. i have that kind of luck, you know. that kind that makes you get deathly ill when you don't have anymore off days to use.

ok, ok, this is it. for tonight. i was able to get some things off my chest earlier, so i'm feeling minor relief. things still go much unresolved in my life.

oh well - tomorrow, i can start all over..............again.

what do you want to be when you grow up? - happy

trinity just called to see if i could work wed & thurs of this week, and wed of next week. thank goodness - this means i have more work coming in. unfortunately, i had to bail on them for the month of october, since i didn't know what was happening with my cyst. my appt for plastics is in early november, so i'm sure you'll hear more than you ever wanted to about that.

i'm just kinda bored at work today. i only had one case, but i've got my finances (along with other ridiculous things) on my mind. i'm probably going to go pick ricky up from work, take him home, then either go over to heather's to let her help me, or sit down and work on it myself. work on what, you say? yes. i don't know. all i know is that i wish it was still raining as much as it did yesterday.

i've got so many things that require my attention right now, but next to no energy to give. my head feels like one those globes full of oil and blue water (my thoughts), and there's a tiny sailboat in there, trying desperately to stay afloat. everything's just kind of slowly, but violently, thrashing against the insides of my head, and every once in a while, something finds its way out. but it doesn't always make sense. and the sailboat...my sanity? or i could really have a tiny, little sailboat wedged in my frontal lobe.

i have a tendency to overdramatize my illness (no shit, really?). but most times, i can't make things meet in the middle, in my brain. everything that someone else does, or anything that happens, where something has gone wrong, i'll find any way i can to blame myself. and as people say, "you are your biggest critic." ok, well, i hate myself, because i always feel like i should know better. i've either been through a particular situation, or i already know what the repercussions will be, due to my actions. but i do it anyway!

god, i sure do bitch a lot. sorry. this isn't nearly as entertaining as it should be. but i've just got crap on my mind - crap that shouldn't be there, but is. i haven't been able to be my real self in a terribly long time. i LONG for the happiness, the silliness, the craziness that i know is in me. but i can't find a way to evoke it. not for anything in the free fucking world. i feel so inhibited - and i ALWAYS blame it on someone else. but it's me! i'm the one doing it! and i don't know HOW to stop. i just know that i should. i mean, i don't physically hurt myself like i used to. i just feel this solid mental partition - on the other side, there's flowers and grass and trees and singing and people who i love. i don't mean that whole "grass is greener on the other side" - there really IS a better side. but on my side, it's all grey. it's grey and cold and dead.

and alone.

i keep trying on different people to see if they fit me, see if they can bring me out, if they can, god forbid, fix me. but it never works. i only find more people to either alienate or depress and commiserate for me. that's why i hate meeting new people. i can't stand to bring more people into this world. i know how i feel when other people bitch and moan about things of which they should take control. i just have tiny bursts of fire, short-lived pursuits and aspirations. it seems as though when mom died, a part of me died, too. then when aaron got tired of waiting around and left, the rest of me shriveled up and blew away. now, i'm literally a shell of the person i once was, and every once in a while, something grazes the edge of my shell, and you see a brief glimpse of who i was.

i've tried starting over...SOOO many times, it's sick. i've even considered packing up and moving away - just becoming someone else. but i know that no matter where i go, i'll always be me. i'll always think of the same people. i'll always have the same problems. and i'll still be stuck on my side of this damn wall.

i've said it before - i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. i'm not looking for pity or petting or any of that "well, i have to be nice to her, because she might freak out on me" crap. i'm just explaining as it comes out. i just want to be NORMAL. i take all those ridiculous surveys that people post, about "what were you doing an hour ago," and it's almost comical to read how my answers to the same questions can change from day to day. the one that always kills me is, "when do you want to be married?" like i say, 22 or 23, but i missed out on that boat. actually, i killed the crew and jumped overboard. or "when do you want to have kids?" yeah, i answered that one at 25 or 26. once again, boat's left the harbor, and i'm standing there in my floaties.

i guess the boat fighting to stay afloat in my head is me - the me that i was. the me that i am. all i've managed to do these last few years is cling to the side of my boat with every bit of strength that's left.

stoo-pid (retard)

there's a reason i never chase...


it's because it never works on my end, and i normally end up feeling extremely stupid.


cheese&rice, i really AM going to end up as "the crazy cat lady," and for some strange reason, that's not incredibly appealing to me. back in the old days, if "old maids" made it to the ripe, old age of 29, didn't they shoot them or something to put them out of their misery?

well, they should start doing that.

fuck, i'm going to bed.

miss-odd-jen-ny (misogyny)

which is pretty close to the truth. i hate other chicks. 'cept'n my heather...and my taba & tara & laura and the people that i already love. but, if you ever just want to know "the truth", heather would be the one you need to talk to.

gaaaaah. i was going to post more, but i got some stuffs i need to go do.

oh, oh, wait - I FORGOT.

so yesterday, i had just got out of the shower and was supposed to meet a friend to get a bite and shoot the shisty, when heather called my cell. i picked the phone up and did that, "oh, i'll call her right back after i get done _______ (insert girly activity here)." then, my brain went, "ANSWER IT - NOW." so, i'm all, "ok, cripes, you don't have to get pushy," and when i pushed the "taketh thoust call" button, all i can hear is crying on the other side.
now, when SHE calls ME crying, my brain goes into overdrive. i forget how to talk and do simple things like breathe and hold in my urine and stuff.
so, she's crying, and i'm like, "OMG! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU???" and i finally get out that sophie has eaten some of her meds, and they're heading out to go to children's er. but it was her ritalin, so i wasn't nearly as worried as i think she was. well, actually, it turns out, she was more pissed off at herself than anything. and i don't know if i was supposed to tell you about the ritalin. so, hj, kill me later.
so, i'm haulin' ass down 65, get to children's, and as i'm running across the hamster tube (you know, that thing in the air that goes over the street?), and ricky had just bought me these old school reebok tennies, and they didn't have ANY traction on the bottom, but i didn't know that until i'm tearing out the door and nearly kill myself on the way down the stairs (and by kill myself, i mean, literally kill myself by falling and almost breaking my neck). so i'm running around the carpeted hamster tube (dammit, what is the NAME of that thing??), and i go to round the corner, and my feet come flat out from under me, and i land right on my big, fat, padded ass. so, i jump up, and i'm like, "ok, ok, i don't care if anyone saw me." so, i go to round the next corner, a little slower this time, and BLAM! fat + gravity = crashing blow to nonexistent ego. i picked myself up this time, realizing that not only have i fallen once for the people watching below, but twice. it was like being broadcasted on the big screen over times square in nyc. well, not QUITE that big, but big enough.

so, i walked quite rapidly to the doors and made it safely through.

i get downstairs, and heather's sitting in the er waiting room, bawling, filling out that gay form you have to fill out, while your child is at death's doorstep. only sophie wasn't at all close. she was standing there with heather's bag ("MY bag") on her shoulder, arm straight up in the air (to keep the bag from falling off), and staring at heather like, "what is this woman's problem?" and i walked up, and she said, "JIMMY!," and runs to meet me, and i pick her up and look in her face (she's totally fine), and then help heather fill out the rest of the form. then we take sophie back to triage, and they put the world's next tiniest bp cuff on her arm. in the meantime, heather tells me the story, and it goes a lil somethin' like this:

sophie came upstairs while heather was doing something and gives her her emptied wallet, which is not unusual - she always opens it up and pulls all the cards out (and makes outrageous purchases on ebay - jk). so heather says, "you silly girl, what are you doing?," and sophie opens her mouth and sticks out her tongue. heather laughs and says, "you crazy girl, i don't think you swallowed my cards! come on, let's go downstairs and get them." so they go downstairs, and when they get down there, heather either opened the zipper part of the wallet or noticed it was open, and she looks inside. she said she remembers there being 2 ibuprofen and 1 ritalin in there, because she had seen them the day before. when she looked now, there were only the 2 ib's.
before i go on, i'd like to mention that sophie, at 2.5, is incredibly articulate. conversation with her is absolutely fascinating. but, i digress. so the conversation takes this turn:

"did you eat something out of here?"
"yeeeeesss."
"was it a square?"
"noooo."
"was it a rectangle?"
"noooo. it was a CIRCLE!"
"oh, ok (panic sets in). what color was it?"
"it was WHITE!"

so, they call poison control, they say she'll probably be ok, but better safe to take her to the er, just to make sure. and that's where my story picks up.

anyway, they were there for about 2 hours, monitoring her heart rate, bp, resp rate to make sure nothing changed or went into some danger level. i told heather, "well, the worst that could happen is she could concentrate really well and solve world hunger." once we got back there and talked (almost immediately) to a doc (who happened to be head of poison control at chsys), everyone kinda breathed a sigh of relief. i went to take the boys home and watch them until heather and lee were able to come home, and sophie got PISSED. she pitched and cried and screamed, and i felt horrible - not being able to be with my girl during her trying time!

so everything's fine now. i'm going to get up off here and try to get something done, since i'm a lazy fattie with no goals in life but to eat doughnuts and cake.

will update more as events warrant...

ehhh-deee-oootttt (idiot)

Great Jimmy. Great Times.

the above was from a website, where you can "sloganize" your name. you enter in your name, and it gives you a slogan. so, there you go. it's all about the jimmy. it's all about great times.

i was just recently told that i'm getting lazy, since i haven't been posting. so, sorry. i've been...weird. this weekend was hectic, but i'll elaborate on that more in a bit, since i am at work, and i should be "working". but, meh, whatever.

so, i thought i'd start with this: i was recently listening to an interview with a very important person (no, not the prez) on npr. it was extremely informative, and i was totally drawn in........until he said the word "nucular". after that, my brain went off like a tv set. after that, i had no faith in anything that man was saying. he was talking about north korea and the testing and such, but once he said that word ("oh, you mean like a nucular weapon?"), i completely lost all hope in humanity. i mean it, if i get to heaven and jesus has anything to say to me about "nucular anythings," i'm coming back to earth.

it's "NEW-CLEE-ARRRR". why can't people say that? even more annoying, why does it drive me so damn nuts? it's like the license thing, but i'll get to that in a bit. right now - potty break.

*post potty*

ok, better. for now. anyway, the license thing. yeah, that's driven me crazy since, like, birth. when you acquire a LICENSE, you get IT, not THEM. jesus h, why do people say that? my mom was the first one to point it out to me, and ever since that moment, i hear it at least once a week. i remember when my best friend and i (not heather) were going to gscc together, and we went to the mall after class one day. we pulled up in the parking space, were getting out of the car, and she said, "oops, my license - can you hand them to me?" i was like, "wtf? how many do you have?"
let's see - your driver's license, your hunting license, your truck driving license, your fishing license, your nursing license, your xray license, your license to be blind (i don't even know if they have those) - i'll hand THOSE to you. but i won't be digging for licenses to hand to you, just because you used
the word "them". i mean, i'm not going to be responsible for that kind of forgery, but thanks, though.

i just looked up the word "phenylketonurics," and my boss kept saying it all wrong. i was like, "come on! where did you grad-jee-ate from anyways??" he kept saying "phenylketonics". well, what about the "ur"? do they just get the shaft, like they were never there in the first place? i mean, what a hater. i think i've EARNED my right to make up my own words, because i stand up for the words that are already in existence! i mean, i worked my tiny, little fanny off in grade school, in english, to learn all about the language that never should have been. our language is the most complicated language in the whole world! does anyone ever appreciate that? NO! we just butcher the heck out of it, day in and day out!

OMG! why am i screaming about this??? I DON'T KNOW! I DIDN'T TAKE MY MEDICINE TODAY!!! *pulls hair*

no, really, i'm ok now. ah jus ahates peepulls bad grammeraticall langwedgeing! and if you don't know what that says, you have to SAY IT OUT LOUD, at your place of work, with a southern inflection...and, no, i don't mean "infection".

ahhhh....that felt good. i've been holding it all back at work, because there's no helping these folks here. no helpin' 'em. "the human dictionary" walks around, bored as crap all day - and i'm losing my abilities! quick, make me spell something! o-n-o-m-a-t-o-p-o-e-i-a! *phew* you know, i don't have a lot of talents, but that's one i'm extremely proud (and embarrassed) of.

ok, ok, i'm going to get a so-da. i'm thirsty, and i have a feeling it's going to be a strange night. i talked to phil again today, because i wanted to. you hear that??!? BECAUSE HEATHER SAID I'M AN ADULT, AND I CAN WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE THAT I LIKE, IF I WANT! nice to know i'm an adult, and i have to get my best friend to tell me what's ok and what's not. for me, that's the defining account of maturity - me not jumping into something headfirst and drowning after a few minutes. man, i'm lame.

ok, i'll post again when i get home, because i have to tell about what happened yesterday.

awwiiiiight....(homestarrunner.com)

hair falls & such

cripes, i'm so bored at work.

i just looked on ebay (which i shouldn't have done), and they have two sets of GORGEOUS pink hair falls. for those of you who don't know, that's one of my deadliest weaknesses. i LOVE to have weird things in my hair. i don't necessarily mean live animals or a dung beetle or something. but i just love having weird hair. it's one of those quirky things - it helps me to *snicker* feel better about myself. isn't that strange?

now, i'm not too big on the dreaded falls. my favorites are the ones made of faux wool (not dreaded), yarn, ribbons, cyberlox, industrial tubing, etc - and the bigger and the more outrageous the color, the better. i still need to find some cheap silver goggles to go with mine.

and i'm not talking, wearing these for halloween or to a crazy party or something stupid like that. i mean, i've gotta run to the store for a few things, so i'll just wear my smaller green & purple falls. i just love doing my hair in...weird ways. my mom did my hair in all these kinked up swirlies one day in high school (my milk-maid hairdo), and it was THE COOLEST! in fact, if i had a picture...OH, I DO! oh, fart. i forgot. one of those turds broke my scanner (and never owned up to it), so i can't scan anything. well, crap - i'll find a way. anyway, when i get home, i'll post a couple of pics of my hair in falls, if i can find them. who knew my mother would have created such a freak! muahahaha!!!!

this thing is so retarded - sometimes it uploads the pics and sometimes, it just doesn't FEEL like it. *sigh* here we go. this is me and b at his lil field trip to the alabama theatre to "gobs of fun!" we had such an awesome time!

i just like to push the envelope to see how non-judgemental people can afford to be. i would like for people who i love or care about be able to say, "well, sure, she dresses like a weirdo, but she has an AWESOME personality!" but that's my only issue is what the people who love me think about me. i don't want them to think that just because i wear freak clothes makes me any MORE of a freak than i already am on the inside. gad, if it showed on the outside how i felt on the inside..........i shudder to think...

i really love it when little kids come up and say, "i like your hair!" ohhhhh, that's my favorite! <3

oh, and speaking of hair falls, here's my cake that heather made me for my bday - complete with hair falls and everything! omg, she knows me SOOO well! &=)




i really should post more pictures, but my narcolepsy is kicking in. i need to go to the doc and get this checked out - i can sleep for 6-12 solid hours and still be completely racked when i wake up in the morning. i don't know what's up with that. they've checked my blood and stuff but can never find anything wrong. apparently, there's this thing called "chronic fatigue syndrome," which in my case would be "chronic fat & lazy-ass syndrome". i just can't seem to get up the will or energy to do any-freaking-thing, and it's really pissing me off. (just for those of you who want to give me a hard time about eating meat, IT'S NOT THAT, so get up off...) i feel like my whole body is constantly made of lead, and i'm always having to drag it around. i'm so short (5'3") but this ghetto bootie ain't filled with air, ya know. ok, ok, i'm sitting in my rocking chair (aka talking about my illnesses too much), so lemme go see if i can find some cartoons to clear my head.

pander to me, spongebob! &=)

what IS that?!?

ok, so here's a pic of the infamous "pigtail" (RIP) - for those of you who don't like gross things, had i known better how to work this thing, i would have suggested you shut your eyes at the beginning. but now you know. and THAT was the one that fell out in my hand after i got out of the shower one day. i just reached back to blot the pigtail, and i pull my hand around, and OMG, IT'S IN MY HAND! so, i was totally freaked out that i'm holding what i had started considering as part of my anatomy. so i'm sorta running around like, omg, omg, what do i do? should i try to put it back in? and THAT gave me the major shivers, so i ran around a little more and tried to think of people to call, but after i ran out of ideas, i just laid it's tiny lil pink carcass on the bathroom counter and started taking pictures of it. just so everyone knows, i got THAT freak thing from my mom. and i know it's weird that i take pics of everything. but i do. and if i didn't, then YOU wouldn't know what a "pigtail (RIP) wick" looks like. incidentally, the one in the pic is TINY compared to the ones i'd had previous to that one. i wish i'd taken a picture of it against something, so you could see the size...maybe ON MY FACE! haha, yuck, just kidding. oops, i just burped a little in my mouth. i guess i didn't like that joke either.

i know some of you keep asking what kind of dog i have (had), and i keep avoiding the issue, so HERE SHE IS. she's a "badly bred boxer" (that's called an alliteration, for those of you who care - because i'm excited that i know that), and her name is jezzabelle. in this pic, she's sitting with my booboo kitty (and wormy, jezzy's first toy), who is my pride and joy, because if you DIDN'T know, booboo has 28 toes...or 26. anyway, we x-rayed her one time, and anyway, she's just flipping awesome. so, i saw my jezzy (who lives with phil, my ex) a few nights ago, and she looks EXACTLY the same, but she's HUUUUGE!!! i can't believe what a big, pretty girl she is! and she's soooo sweet! and she LOOOOVES her mama! *tears and tears* i love my pets, because they're my family, and they love you, NO MATTER WHAT!

i'm a huge animal advocate, and i'll get into that plenty later. people ask why i do what i do, why i believe the things i believe, why i'm a vegetarian, why when i open my mouth, it sounds like howler monkeys, but i'll delve into all of that a little bit at a time. right now, i'm supposed to be going to bed. but i've had some problems sleeping the past few nights. don't know what's up with that, because as everyone knows, i'm a world-class sleeper. all those people who say that stupid stuff about, "i'll sleep when i'm dead...," yo, you do that - i'm gonna get a headstart.

ps. i know i sorta messed up the text on this one, but i'll fix it tomorrow. right now, i think someone is sleeping BEFORE me! how DARE they??...

tv night

can't stay on long. just wanted to post that i'm much better, now that all but one are out of my house and no longer mooching on me. not that i'm helpless and stuff, but i was sorta fearing for my life, while the last one was screaming in my face...and me without my knife. i couldn't have gotten to my baseball bat in time, but anywash, all's well that ends well. oh, well, i mean it didn't end well, but you get me.
i went to see my ex and my doggie the other day after i got off work. i miss that little girlie. she was growling when i first walked through the door, so i walked down the hallway and said, "DON'T you growl at your mama!," and she started doing those huge jumps in the air, like a fish out of water! SHE REMEMBERED ME! i was all tearing up and stuff, because i really didn't think she'd remember who i was. and SHE'S HUGE!!! she's just like my baby jezzy, ONLY BIGGER! <3 sweet girl!!! my sweet baby girl, i miss her SO MUCH! and she's just as bad as ever! lmao! phil was showing me all the things she's chewed up, and i was stuffing my hands in my mouth so i wouldn't laugh! poor baby girl! i wish i had a place for her to come stay, because i would take her in a heartbeat.
and yes, then me and phil hugged, and it was all awkward and shit, and NO, we didn't kiss. and yes, i miss him. so leave me alone. i miss familiarity. or him. i don't know. i've never been in this situation before.

no, i really do miss him. i just wish we were...more compatible? or i was less of a bitch? or he didn't smoke pot? hell, i don't know. it's tv night, and i don't have the brain cells to think about this right now.

thank god for cartoons, or i'd get NOTHING off my mind at the end of the week. loves ya'll & missin' ya'll bunches. i'm feeling better, just need heather and others to keep kicking my butt on a daily basis. i'm slowly pulling it together. just don't know where i'm going with this. i feel so useless to the world right now. breathing air, and not rightfully earning it.

hey, leave me a damn comment or something, if you get on here to read. i like to know people are reading. not that i write for people to read, but i like to know if i say something that makes people go, "cripes, i was just thinking about that the other day, and i didn't know how to word it!" because that's my problem - i have LOTS to say, but i can't say it very good when i'm talking. typing or writing - TOTALLY DIFFERENT, don't ask me why. and so, i'm horrible when i fight or argue with people, because they're like, "yak yak blah, yakkity blah blah, meh meh foo!" and my brain is like, "just punch him. just punch him in the mouth to make him shut up because i can't think of anything to say right now. i'll think of something clever to say later...after a nap."

ok, cartoon-time.

comments...

sorry to whoever posts comments (taba, in particular), but some jackass keeps sending me these spam comments, so i've had to pull out the big guns. now, when you leave a comment, you have to do that stupid word verification, that incidentally, i hate when i have to do it, and then, i'll have to approve your comment, which i know i'll hate even more. you know, people can't just exist in their own worlds - they have to ooze their slimy selves over and infect yours. jerks...

i actually have a lot in my brain that i want to post, but i'm going to try to moderate my time on the computer. god knows we don't need to be on the computer, while we're doing...nothing.

i only had one surgery case today, so i'm going to be brainstorming on how to get myself out of the financial hell i've checked into. i've got to call the bank, report my card as stolen (long story, more later), stop all automatic drafts from my account, and see if i can get this mess cleaned up. god, this is ridiculous. i'm so stupid. i hope everyone i see from now on will just smack me on the back of the head and be like, "stupid..." you know, just as a reminder.

i'm gonna go headbutt something and call myself stupid, now. and then eat a cinnamon roll, cause i'm hungry. god, i'm boring when i'm in a bad mood. everyone, please stop reading this. i'm embarrassed now.

breathing just became easier

hi, i'm a lil better.

still don't have meds (or money), but i've eliminated one of my major problems. i kicked jeff out. and it HAD to be done. i called heather, crying, yesterday afternoon, and told her the story, and she was like, "omg, you need to just tell that guy to pack his shit and get the FUCK out of there - TODAY."

now, me calling her crying is nothing new. but when i explain, it will make much more sense. well, i think it does, and she said i was in the right. as i've said before, she's my reasonable side, so i buy everything she says...and then i sell it later for a profit. &=)

more on this story later...got surgery in a few...

all that lost time...

one of my very favorite sites is the postsecret.com website. i read the new secrets every monday, because there are so many secrets in my life that i'm afraid to admit. and ON SO MANY OCCASIONS, someone has posted something that i feel is truly mine.

this week, i saw "if you wait too long for the perfect moment, the perfect moment will pass you by".
i don't know what the perfect moment would be in my life, other than going home. i don't really know how to define "home" anymore. i wish that my family was so fulfilling that i never needed anyone else. but i do. because i'm a girl. and because i'm human. and because we were made to need someone of the opposite sex (or if you prefer, a partner) in order to exist.

also, "people with mental illness enrich our lives...so why do i feel like a freak?"
i know there are people out there who think that i use the term "depression" entirely too liberally. these are the people with whom i prefer not to associate myself. if you can't understand that i'm sick, and that i REALLY AND TRULY CANNOT CONTROL HOW I AM, then you need to find a pier and take a running leap.

here's a secret - when aaron and i first split, after i moved into my first apartment, i was raped. i tried to tell myself that i wasn't, and that i must have been asking for it, in some strange, sick way. but deep down inside, i know what it was. for the past 5 years, i've been emotionally abused by guys i've met. i've been physically abused by guys who get off on that kind of thing. and i've put up with it. why? i don't really know. because there's no way that you could ever find the perfect person through that.

honestly, why? because i feel as though i deserve it. i feel as though i deserve every slap, every punch, every horrible word, every one night stand, every tear, every heartache, every night of being so upset that i vomit until i pass out, and every night of crying myself to sleep. i deserve all of that, and more. i think, for the things that i've done, for the thoughts that cross my mind, for the man i gave up on, i don't deserve to die.

that would be the easy way out.

and sometimes, i think that's the only reason i'm still here, is because i deserve to suffer. and you know what? i've become pretty good at taking it with a closed mouth.

I WISH BEYOND EVERYTHING that i didn't have these days - that i never felt this way ever again. i'm in such financial straits that i can't even afford to buy medicine for myself. and so, i make due. i don't have anything but my friends and my family. i have my job, which i enjoy, because it keeps my mind occupied.

you know, i don't say these things, looking for pity. i get that from plenty of people. and it disgusts me. it makes me sick that people would pity someone as worthless as me. i say them because i have to. i have to remember who i am. deep down inside, i have a heart. right now, it's just a sucking, black hole that engulfs any emotion that comes within its gravitational field. but under that, it's a little, red heart. and it has good things in there somewhere. i think i've just forgotten how to use it.

life used to be so perfect for me. nowadays, a good day for me is if i don't have to take pills at the end of the day to stave off a panic attack. and you know what the sick part is? i'm not even suffering.

i have a job, i have an apartment, i have family & friends who love me dearly, & i'm incredibly healthy, except for the fucked-up brain part. i make myself suffer. no one else does it. i do it to myself. apparently, i'm addicted to sadness. i can't let go of the things that are no longer there. i can't push myself to move forward. i'm starting to lose the will to even get out of bed in the morning. no, i won't kill myself - i don't deserve to leave that easily.

don't pity me. i don't want it. i just want acceptance. i need encouragement. i need people to listen when i talk. i know things will get better (or worse), it's all just a matter of time. i don't know what will happen. i don't even know if i'll go to work tomorrow. maybe i'll get lucky and just stop waking up. just know that i get tired of fighting sometimes. this isn't easy for a girl who lost her mom at 22 and walked out on her husband and picture-perfect future at 25. my past crops up A LOT to bite me in the butt, as it should. i think about it more than i have the energy for. and like i said, this is a downswing. in a few weeks, i'll be a completely different person, and you'll never know these things were on my mind, aside from this pitiless post.

but this is me. this is the real me. this is who i am when i close the doors and when i don't answer the phone. these are the things that are constantly streaming through my mind at any given point in time. i can be totally happy, playing with my kids, when a memory comes flooding back and breaks my heart all over again. i swear i don't ask for this. because it hurts. and to be truthful, i'm really tired of hurting. the struggle sometimes becomes too much to bear. all i want is a second chance at a decent life. i want to never worry another soul with the things i do wrong. i want to never have to break down in the bathroom of a grocery store, because of "that song" that blares over the muzak. if i had the guts to set fire to the past and begin again, i would. but i don't. so i drag my skeleton-filled closet around with me everywhere i go.

i didn't have these problems before mom died. and no, incidentally, i don't blame her for my sickness. yes, i do blame her for some of my shortcomings, for how she raised me, for the things of which i was ignorant. but i'm an adult now, so the time for blaming your mom is over. also, i don't blame aaron for anything that happened. it was all me. i don't want anyone to ever think bad of him. he never did anything wrong. he was just one of the biggest victims in the self-discovery of my illness. i acknowledge that he's not coming back. i'm pretty sure i'll never even talk to him again. and for that, i mourn.



here's another secret:
i've written more than two dozen suicide notes in the past 7 years...and the part where you cry out to your dear friends and family for forgiveness - that's what has always stopped me.

one day, i'll find a place. but it won't be today, and i'm pretty sure it's not going to be tomorrow. as dr. agee says, i put it all in a box in my head and pull it out later when i have time.

i think i'm gonna need some more boxes.

for those of you who are lost...

there are people who read this (christ only knows why), who don't really understand me.


just to let you know, i'm in a downswing. i'll brood for a couple of weeks, then i'll be ok. it's the way my life has been, coming up this november 9, for the past 7 years.



and it will continue until i die.

i hate me

i hate me. isn't that enough? does it have to be more? how much can you possibly hate yourself and continue to live with yourself? is there a point where you can hate yourself so much that you finally implode and can never hurt anyone again?



I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say you that love me just to put in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months; it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
And in a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then i fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “how can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you



i just found out that amanda peet is pregnant. i know that means nothing to anyone, but me and the few people to whom i've mentioned it. it's one of those things that no one would really get, even if i explained it to them.

someone asked me the other day what i wanted. what do i want? that's a great question. and on days like this, i'm pretty sure i could answer it completely. i want my ex-husband back. and i'll never get him. he's gone, and i'm dead to him. i feel like i can say that out in public now, and not be crucified. he's the only one who ever understood me, and at this point in my life, i can safely say, he's the only one who ever WILL have understood me. it doesn't go much farther than that. i can actually relate to my 40-year-old uncle, who still lives at home with his mom. i never thought i'd be able to say that. but our dilemmas are so similar, it's almost cosmically sick.

what do i want? i want someone who gets me. i want someone who loves me above everything else in life. i want someone who's main reason in waking up in the morning is me. i want my place on the pedestal back. i live for my friends & family, and i want someone who does the same for me/us. i want a family. i want a real life, not this faux-shit i've been experiencing since aaron's been gone. what a complete crock of shit, and i only do it to myself - over and over and over again.

i made a new friend on myspace, and he hit the nail on the head - he said my feelings for aaron are still there - i'm just trying to find someone to fit in that aaron-shaped hole. and so far, i've found nothing remotely close. i wish TO GOD that i could say i didn't love him anymore. but i can't. i love him. i love who he was, and i know i would love who he is. i've never doubted that. and i've tried to quash that sick, strange, uneasy feeling, that won't go away. i've tried to kill it with everything that makes me who i am. i've used all my energy to kill it, kill that tiny grain of hope that remains for NO REASON. but it won't go away. and i feel like it's killing me. it poisons every thought i have. every day is a new day to figure out some sick, deranged way to torture myself with the thought of him, what we had. it was perfect, and i'll slit the throat of anyone who says otherwise. it was me. when i lost my mom, i lost my mind, and that's the only way to describe it.

i have to eat now. i don't know why, but i keep living. i can't help but laugh at the sick and twisted irony. i laugh while the tears flow freely. everything i hear is a piece of my soul, crying out to be heard.

i wish it would shut the hell up.

waiting for the toilet paper

current mood: sleepy

i'm awake now, and i tried to do that stupid posting a pic to my bio, but it won't work, because I'M retarded. so screw.

anyway, i'm awake, and i had to get toilet paper. actually, i had to sit and wait while ricky went to the store to BUY some toilet paper. yeah, we're doing goooood. we're actually supposed to be getting ready to go apartment hunting.

those damn apartments...they killed my father and raped my sister. i'll get you, chateau orleans. i'll get you...

anyway, we gotta hurry up and get out of here before i kill someone. namely jeff. i'm just ready to get the f out of here. i should still be living alone, but i just realized i hate that. i'm a ween, and i like for someone to sleep in the bed with me. it's not that i get scared. i'm just...strange. it doesn't matter who it is - it could possibly be someone i totally hate. maybe i should just get a corpse or a blow-up person to keep in the bed. because i don't really cater to someone being here while i'm awake. i can do awake just fine sometimes. but asleep - nah. and i'm not scared of the dark, and since that jackhole took my knife, i have my baseball bat, so i'm not scared. i'll nail a fool for knocking on the door - i can protect the homestead. i just hate being alone while i'm unconscious. weird, huh?

oh, and i wrote this on myspace. i hate having two blog-ish things. but here:

Thursday, September 28, 2006

living the lie
Current mood: disappointed

i just realized that i'm living a lie, and i can't stop. how do you stop living the only life you know? what if you hate it? what if you hate everything? how do you just walk away and start over? is it possible? i don't think so. i don't know. but i'm sure as hell going to try. little by little, i have to break away. there's very few things in this life that i want, and i just realized it. it's like when you think of something really important, and you're sitting on the toilet. well, i was in the shower. and i got it. and now i have to fix it. i'm always good at fucking things up, but i suck at fixing them.

ahhhhh, well, we'll see.

**so, i wrote that the other day. and i keep thinking there's something on my mind that i need to type, but now it's gone. i hate that. it just means it will crop up and bother me later when i don't have any paper or a pen or something.
cripes, i'm so sleepy. must...find...apartment.......get the.....hell....out of.....dodge......

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............

my bday pic

this is me at my birthday with heather. we've gone to bahama breeze for my bday for the past two years, because they always have good drinks, and we drink and yak until they just about kick us out. i'm posting this, because apparently i have to post a pic in order to make one get on my profile. or not. maybe i have no idea what i'm talking about. who knows anymore?

anudder survey

i meant to post this about a hundred years ago. oh well, here ya go.

this one is from my VERY good friend, paula:

Your name:
Jennifer Harper

Where did we meet:
Marc Broussard show, duh!

Take a stab at my middle name:
It begins with a b

How long have you known Me:
too long; hold on....3 years or so

Do I smoke:
only when you drink I think

What was your first impression of me upon meeting:
you looked so bored, felt sorry for you

Color of my eyes:
brown I think

Do I have any siblings:
nope

What's one of my favorite things to do:
being a drama queen

Do you remember one of the first things I said to you:
have no idea, but I remember I introduced myself and that girl I was working with.

Do you think I am ghetto or conservative:
what the hell is this? Conservative people can be ghetto as hell.

What's my favorite type of music:
metal

What is the best feature about me:
your loyalty to friends

Am I shy or outgoing:
depends on who you're around

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
rebel to the point of driving people nuts

What's your favorite memory of me:
rockin out at korn

Any special talents:
driving people crazy, being hyper

Would you consider me a friend:
of course

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:
jimmy the spazz

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring:
valium to keep you calm

the WHOLE pigtail story

(this was friday afternoon - it is now saturday)

i'm still sitting at work, bored to friggin' death. gould hasn't been calling for c-arm for any of his cases, except for one this morning, and that's really weird. so, i have nothing to do. except go around the hospital and steal magazines. oh, yeah, that's something you probably never knew about me is that i have turned into the world's biggest magazine klepto. i don't really remember when it started, but i don't care if it's good housekeeping, vogue or jet, there's going to be some article or recipe or cute thing in there that i want, and sometimes i'm too embarrassed to rip out the page, so i just take the whole thing. ever wonder why i carry such a big bag all the time? ok, well, it's for that and to hide candy and smoothies in when i go to the movies. so there. it's out. i steal magazines. well, no, i just USE them. not from peoples' houses, because THAT would be stealing. only from doctors' offices. and my hospital. because if they're laying down, they're fair game.

ok, that's all.

um, the whole reason i was posting again today is because i wanted to record the story of heather, me and the pilonidal cyst. i can't remember if i told it properly, so HERE GOES:

i found the "thing in my buttcrack" (which was its preliminary name), called the doc's office, described it in full, colorful detail (along with the n/v, dizziness & mid-grade fever), and she was like, "um, you better just come in". so, i got there and had to see a male doc (dr gleason) on whom i've never even laid eyes before. he came in, "hi, nice to meet you" - pleasantries were awkwardly exchanged as i lay there with my fanny up in the air, he pulls the sheet down and says,
"ohhhhhhhhhhhhh gosh." (that's my favorite thing to hear - in the doctor's office & while getting my hair cut)
"oh gosh, what?"
he said he knew what it was just from the description they were giving him & WHERE IT WAS. (mind you, i don't know the medical term for fanny crack, so i just kept saying that) ok, blah, blah, pilonidal cyst, only pops up in that particular area, etc, etc.
"so, what you're saying specifically, is i have a buttcrack cyst?"
he actually laughed and said,
"yep, so you need to head to the er - we'll call and let them know you're on the way - and talk to a general surgeon, because that thing needs to be taken care of ASAP."

i staggered up to the xray dept, because i thought that's where heather was still visiting, but i wasn't thinking very clearly. she had specifically told me to CALL HER when i got out, so she wouldn't have to lay claim to me upstairs, but it happened anyway. i got up there, and she had already gone back down. being that i looked homeless, and severely ill to boot, i freaked all of her co-workers out (no, really, they looked SCARED), and stumbled back down to find her. she drops me off at the er, goes to pick up ricky and take him and the twins home, then comes back.

i begged her to bring food. thank god. she shows up with spongebob cheeze-its and a baggie full of chocolate candy. they're not going to tell ME not to eat from the junk pyramid.

so the doc comes in, and before he EVEN touches me, i'm like (while i'm crawling over to hide behind the stretcher and throwing dirty needles in his path to slow him down), "hey, do you even KNOW what a pilonidal cyst is? i mean, have you had DEALINGS with one??? cause dr gleason told me not to let you touch me if it's, like, your second day or something." he was well-acquainted with them, and he was actually very good and gentle with me.

so, i laid on my tummy, and he dosed me up with lidocaine. that was the worst, since they were sticking me in a place that was already red and infected beyond all belief, so it hurt worse than any pain i've ever felt in my life (yeah, i know i haven't had kids yet, so a sore throat, painful gas and amoebic dysentery is all i have to compare it to). tears were running down the sides of my face, even though i wasn't crying, and i know i was probably breaking heather's hands, even though she won't say. i also kept apologizing for moving around so much - they said i wasn't, but i felt like i was about to kick the doc in the head. maybe i just wanted to.

my fanny kept squinching up closed, and i was really worried the doc was going to get his hand caught. i didn't realize it, but that's one of those kinds of muscles that you can't control when it's scared. well, YOU know, when someone tells a gross story or talks about something that hurts, and your butthole sorta shrinks up into itself. it was doing that, only it was my WHOLE butt, and it was taking the doc down with it. i knew it was going to be one of those, "ok, all finished!...wait, where's my watch?" things. i guess your body just has all those automatic responses to protect you from the really dangerous things, like doctors and shark bites and pencils and falling and glass shards in your eyes and stuff.

so, he takes the scalpel and carves this thing open ("they carved you up like a christmas turkey," heather said). i had my head turned, and he must have made the first cut, and i saw heather and nurse both lean WAY back. the nurse actually took a step backwards. i was like, "hey, where's everyone going?" the nurse said, "well, i don't want it in my eye." "yeah, it's on MY BUTT, and i wouldn't want it in my eye either." so, he's hacking and chopping away, and i asked heather, "what's he doing?" she said, "i don't know. it's gross. i can't look at it," and i was like, "look at it! LOOK AT IT!!!! tell me what he's doing!!!" so, she consented and gave me the blow by blow of everything he did. she was brave. so, he did all that really gross stuff that i've already previously described, and packed it with the iodophore wick and cut it off. he went out to write my scrips, leaving me there, nearly breathless and ALMOST crying on the stretcher. as i'm writhing in pain, heather looks down and says, "awww. it looks like you have a little pigtail! it's a little, sorta pinkish, curly pigtail!" that, like, made everything better. i was so excited to go in with an abscess and come out with a tail. that's the coolest hospital visit i've ever had.

actually, you know, right before he got finished packing it, my percocet kicked in, and heather said, "ohhh, you got that warm, sweatery feeling, like everything's going to be ok?" i said yeah, like my cheeks were all flushed and i loved everyone (just like i am when i'm drunk).

so, i wasn't writhing THAT bad. and then, the lidocaine wore off...........

at this point you can probably guess what happened, and you can insert your own words, because whatever you think it was, i probably said it.

surveys

i don't know why, but i LOVE these stupid questionnaires, where you quiz each other about yourself, to see what the other person is going to say or how well they think they know you. i want to post the ones people wrote about me, just so you can see what a diverse and strange individual i am!...you know, i didn't mean for that to sound so "LOOK AT ME!" *trumpets blaring* *red carpet rolls out* ew. i hate sounding selfish or narcissistic. it makes my tummy hurt. anyway, here's what other people think of me! you might learn things you NEVER KNEW!!!!

heather, my best friend:

Your name:
Jennifer Marie Braxton Harper

Where did we meet:
The Kirklin Clinic--you had pigtails that day

Take a stab at my middle name:
M-a-r-i-e

How long have you known Me:
crap...4 yrs?

Do I smoke:
only second hand

What was your first impression of me upon meeting:
That you looked like a member of my family. Then you spoke and knew that you were my twin, switch at birth.

Color of my eyes:
light brown

Do I have any siblings:
yes, half brother, half sister

What's one of my favorite things to do:
laundry

Do you remember one of the first things I said to you:
yes. oh, do you want to say what it was? "I love Harry Potter, too!" or "Get out of way, bitch!" Something like that.

Do you think I am ghetto or conservative:
completely ghetto

What's my favorite type of music:
psycho slam and coldplay, although I've never heard you listen to music. Have you ever noticed that? We always talk too much to ever have music on.

What is the best feature about me:
your humor, your laugh, and your pilonidal cyst.

Am I shy or outgoing:
shy person trapped in an outgoing body.

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
depends on if you like the rule. But usually you don't so, Rebel.

What's your favorite memory of me:
jeez. are you kidding? how can I choose? Ok. It's the Krazy Glue Incident of '04. That look of shear panic at the figurine stuck on your finger and begging for 911 is locked in my memory foreva.

Any special talents:
can sugically remove eye cheese. Clean and fold clothes better than a Chinese laundry. Stunt driving. Clogging, though I've yet to see any. And blow jobs.

Would you consider me a friend:
uh...yes. What kind of question is this? Jennifer, did you type up this test?

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:
wack-a-do buttcrack

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring:
your camera. when you don't have one stolen. To take pictures of sand and water. And of which ever one of us wasn't cannibalized. It would be a self portrait.

:-)

pretty accurate, i think. heather's the one who holds the key to all my "dirty laundry," which i end up doing every time i go over to her house, because it relaxes me, and it stresses her out. ("i didn't ask you to come over to do my laundry." "i know, but i had a bad day.")


this one is from my cousin, katy:

Your name:
I guess it's Jennifer. Or do you want my name? In that case it's Katy.

Where did we meet:
Probably in the hospital when I was born!

Take a stab at my middle name:
Marie

How long have you known Me:
27 years

Do I smoke:
no

What was your first impression of me upon meeting:
probably that you were a little blurry. Like everything else around me.

Color of my eyes:
Brown

Do I have any siblings:
yes

What's one of my favorite things to do:
Email

Do you remember one of the first things I said to you:
Something like, "Hey. This is where Columbus discovered America!"

Do you think I am ghetto or conservative:
I don't understand this scale so I'll just say Ghetto for fun.

What's my favorite type of music:
I don't know this one... I'll jsut say Ghetto for fun again.

What is the best feature about me:
Your smile and your great hair!

Am I shy or outgoing:
I think it probably depends on the situation but mostly outgoing.

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
I think it might depend on whose rules they are.

What's your favorite memory of me:
Playing at Grammy's house. Going to the beach together.

Any special talents:
you can clog!

Would you consider me a friend:
of course

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:
dur! Jimmy

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring:
your cat

now, me and kate grew up together and spent most of our young lives around each other. i did INDIRECTLY get her in trouble at school, by telling her that columbus discovered america in our grandmother's backyard. but for the record, she used to eat wild onions out of the yard and tell me they gave her "superpowers," then she would ruuuuun around the yard really fast, to prove it. and then her mom would call my mom and ask why she had diarrhea that night, and once again, i'd get the spanish inqusition.

so, there. we're even. &=)


i think i have more of these, so i'll post them when i find them. and you're always welcome to fill one out and send me one (or let me fill one out for you!). gordon and i have been talking about making our own list of crazy questions to circulate (because everyone LOVES chain, trash, fw:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:, "i know a guy who actually WON the ferrari," "microsoft is tracking this and will donate $5 for every email forwarded," "make your penis at least 7x larger!" kinds of letters. but we're lazy, and haven't.

ok, i'm at work, and i'm bored out of my gourd. i know they want us to stay off the computers, but i couldn't get on last night, a) because i pulled a double & worked at trinity from 4p-9p, and b) because the ants were SWARMING the computer the other day, so i made ricky unplug everything and move it into the living room, which, to him, sounded like, "in front of the bed," so we just haven't gotten it moved and plugged back in, yet.


oh, and it's payday. and i FINALLY got my rent paid. so, i'm terribly happy. (yes, it's the 22nd of september, and i'm JUST NOW paying rent - it's been a really bad month, hence one of the many reasons i hate septembers now). i just have to make sure to i pay off the credit card thugs, so i can keep my kneecaps this month.

(ooo, i just got to outspell someone on "fajita" just now - you don't know how happy it makes me to be a human dictionary. if i have no other talents than that, clogging, doing laundry & stunt driving, i'm a happy, happy girl.)

and for those of you keeping count, i have fanny cheek-packing visit #6 tomorrow, then me and the pigtail are driving out to town to see my family, because i'm HAVING WITHDRAWALS!!!! RAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i've been like a crack fiend, trying to go see my family; trading food for brief cellphone conversations, slipping people $10 to bring me articles of their clothing, so i can smell them, and now, i'm going through detox, and i'm a COMPLETE bitch without them, which should make everyone in a 60-mile radius slightly on edge. so, i'm getting my fix tomorrow. hope everyone's at home, because i don't have any horse heads to leave in beds. maybe i could just leave pickle butts and carrot tops - THAT would freak people out.

well, except amy.
one time, when my ex-husband had just started coming to visit my family, i freaked out (long story) and left the house. i left him there, wearing my jammies, which were too small, and while he was trying to busy himself by burning dryer lint, he stepped on a cheese weenie. we still laugh about that.

ok, NOW i'm going. they're ordering roly poly, and since i have money today &=), i think i'll treat myself to something. hell, i deserve it. even though, it's probably going to put me in the hole. oh well! it's just paper! that the entire universe revolves around! and that's really disturbing!
&=)

first picture - it's a yucky one

current mood: accomplished!

rawwwwk. i did it. ok, for those of you (like me) who enjoy gross things, THIS is what i have. and unfortunately, mine didn't come up on the small of my back, like the nice pg-rated picture, but actually UNDER where the apex of the pilonidal dimple arrow rests. so it's IN my crack...and it is GROOOOSSSS. plus, i have to get the whole entire thing taken out, which from what i read, is about half as long as my butt. so, there you go - knowledge is power!

and you thought i was kidding when i said "check your buttcracks."

brrrr....

current mood: cold...and sorta happy

it's a chilly day here at cgr (my apt, colonial grand at riverchase) in the center of hell. oops, i was just about to say something about my ants dying off, but there goes one across the screen. geez, i don't even have the energy to get rid of him. they're starting to overpower me, and i'm pretty sure i'm just going to end up signing my lease over to them. he's standing on "them" right now...HE KNOWS.

um, ok, so it was my first day back at work, and let me tell you, for all the sh*% i've been through with this ass thing (well, that censoring didn't work well, huh?), i didn't really, truly appreciate how HARD my fanny works ALL DAY, even when i'm not doing anything! all the walking around i did and standing and attempting to sit and repeating my horrendously graphic and disgusting story to about 900 people, MY BUTT IS KILLING ME. at least people missed me. that was...weird. i kept checking the mail every day, thinking i would get one in there that was like:

Dear Jennifer,

You are an idiot, and no one here believes your surgery / butt cyst story. You may has well have told us they pulled a gold-plated monkey out of your ass.

Love,
Everyone at Your Work

PS. You're so totally fired, so don't bother coming in to shoot up the place, because we already know what you look like.

but it actually DIDN'T go down like that. everyone was very kind and interested in my butt. (but my monkey's feelings were huuuurt, let me tell you...) much to heather's chagrin, i'm sure, i haven't shown my butt to anyone...YET. she told me, "i know you think no one believes you, but they do, and please, because i know you're going to...DON'T show anyone."
hey, what's wrong with my pigtail? i kinda like it now. &=) other than the fact that it feels like i constantly have to take a crap (tmi, i know, but remember who's site this is = NOT YOURS), i kinda dig being able to say, "um, could you watch that? you almost smashed my pigtail," and people giving me that WAAAAY too curious look that always ends up in the spanish inquisition. and everyone knows me - "mouth of the south," what mom always used to call me! hey, i came by it honestly, so get off. anyway, my point being, i always point out the blatently obvious or bring up the stuff that no one wants to talk about. they know i talk too much. YOU know i talk too much. which means this entire paragraph was pretty irrelevant...

wtf, why is my "delete" key not working? jesus h palomino on the top of a friggin house with a banana in his hand, GOD! i keep telling these asses who live with me to STOP F____ WITH MY COMPUTER! dammit, every friggin TIME i come in here, something's weird with this thing. god.


GET OUT!!!! EVERYBODY JUST GET OUT!


frig.

*sigh*

anyway, i'm finished. i still don't know why the key doesn't work (gordon, why doesn't it work?). omg, this totally makes me want to choke someone. those are like the two things that piss me off the most in the universe - when someone messes with my computer, and when someone eats ANY of my krispy kreme doughnuts. oh, yeah, you're looking at MAD, then. i mean CURSING mad. i didn't BUY THEM FOR YOU. YOU are not ON your period. YOU did not just HAVE some femalian surgery and now your fanny is broken and you can't even stop crying long to take a bite of the one doughnut you got, because you've already cried so hard for so long that NOW you're snubbing, and if you put the doughnut in your mouth, you might aspirate it into your lungs, whereas you'll more than likely contract pneumonia and have to be put in the hospital, and lemme tell you, ain't NOBODY gonna believe THAT string of bad luck. not even me, and i've been there, pal.

*sigh*

ok, well, yeah, and i guess i need to fess up. i haven't done all of this on my own. (well, most of it i have. like, the cyst-having was my idea.) my friend ricky (whitaker) has been helping me. uh, we met on a dating website (go ahead and cringe, but the only place i go is heather's, and i don't meet any new guys there - just the lawn guys and the mailman - the mailman was "busy" and the lawn guys have girlfriends. fyi, i don't GO OUT, so get off me)....(that was a joke, btw - i don't really hit on the people around her house - i make her take me down to the piggly-wiggly, so i can stalk guys in produce), and i was planning on helping him out through a rough patch in his life, but i think he's ended up helping me way more than i have him, although i'm pretty sure he'd beg to differ. and yes, we're dating. this was not the "jennifer's halfway house of ulterior motives," although i know from first glance, it sure as hell looks that way. the way we ended up was weird, but we're together now, so meh. i like him. he's a nice guy, and he's NOT mean to me. so, i found one who can be nice and NOT make me feel like crap. on the downside, he's had a lot of acid in his past and now sees tracers and talks to himself about 110% of the time, but hey, you take the good with the strange. he adores me, and HE DOESN'T HIT ME. i mean, not that phil did, but you get me. i still love phil, and i'd like to be his friend one day, but right now, i'm still weird. i've never been friends with an ex before, and i haven't been researching the subject heavily.

woah! my delete key just spontaneously started working again! um, ok jeff, i take back all that stuff i was saying about you in my head. *erk*

ok, so what happened today? ahhh, nothing. a bunch of people asked me where i was, we got new flooring in the dept, so all of our equipment is now in place, and i got to go see the new orthpaedic clinic being built where old sports medicine was. it's pretty gutted and bare to think that bitch has to be ready BEFORE oct 18. wow. oh, and our 3 best techs are going downstairs (don't really know what they were thinking with THAT move, but i'm not boss, so i don't care), brenda, dina & megan. i'll miss them, cause they're my favorites. as for sheryl (aforementioned spawnette of satan), i hear she's changing shifts, but i don't care SO MUCH that i didn't even ask. maybe her shift will be her working 4p-11p...with alligators...in a pit...of chicken guts. nah, just kidding. we're ok, i just don't really care. and i want it to stay that way.

i know, i know. you think i'm just a cold-hearted bitch. and you'd be right, but only by a percentage. if you ask what percentage, i'd say "a hat made out of weenies" because i don't know. actually, i want to BE a weenie for halloween, but i don't know who sells weenie costumes. i don't WANT the bun on it. just the weenie. why is that so hard for people to understand?? JUST THE WEENIE.

ok, enough, ENOUGH of this nonsense. i have to go tend to things about harper haven (we're gay-friendly, btw, no matter what the guys say). and booboo is staring at me through the sliding glass door, which usually means, "you give me fake mice covered in colorful fabrics to play with and expect me to be satisfied with that. come sit with me for 5 minutes out of your extraordinarily busy day." so, i'm gonna.

oh, and for those of you keeping up with my medical condition, i have to go to the ER for my 5th butt-probing visit tomorrow morning. HOPEFULLY, this will be the last in the series of pigtails, although i will feel quite naked without a GIANT BANDAGE ON MY ASS. i've been taking my antibiotics like a good girl, and i'm even afraid i might have taken them twice this morning. but hey, if this thing was on YOUR butt...yeah...that's what i thought.

one more thing - um, if i ever make any grammatical errors, please DON'T overlook them. send me an em or a comment and chastise the crap out of me. i mean, i DO have a tendency to make up my own words, even my own swears, and sometimes i try to spell sounds, but anything that we learned in the 2nd grade, that i apparently didn't pick up on, let me know.

omg, i just remembered --- mine was the word "because". ARRRRRGGG!!! i've hated that word ever since the 2nd grade. mrs. thomas made us go to the blackboard and write words, and mine was "because, and so i went up there, and spelled it "beacause" or something stupid like that, and she was like, "no, SIT DOWN," and EVER SINCE THEN, i've NEVER misspelled that word. how about that? the tortured stories of a once-overachiever. i'm the ONLY person i know who has the dictionary/thesaurus bookmarked on her computer as second under google. freak, huh?

ok, i'm stopping now. i really could go on, but i guess i want to GAIN readers, not KILL them.

in the words of duplicate calvin, "hoffa gut tay"! &=)

what's she saying?

Treas em wankeing ont sime ploked peish rof phen sumbloat syug si phat phey gavet peish ta paat ein pheeir sumbloats. Aslu unaffoctor gef cak siructiun gill bo cak spiarshoot anet cak GurGanglo gur pwucossing pwutwam.

Yoii rockem sockem mow-em yown.

Et tam neque pecun modut est neque nonor et imper ned libidig met, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed ut labore et dolore magna aliquam makes one wonder who would ever read this stuff?

Et harumd und lookum like Greek to me.

i actually found these statements on the sample blog, and i thought they were hilarious (me & my uncultured mind - hey, heather's the only reason i still think fart jokes are funny). i just wanted to see IF anyone was reading. if not, pro dedecus!
i'm feeling much better, by the way - now, if they'd only let me come back to work....

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet! Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet!

("Neither is there anyone who loves pain itself since it is pain and thus wants to obtain it")

hey, and if anyone can decipher the "how to post a picture" thing, please let me know, because i have NO clue how to put a pic on here. it's kind of sad, because i don't really have the patience or attention-span to read over it. in fact, i don't have the attention span to finish thi